SNL Transcripts: Jonah Hill: 03/15/08: Internet Date


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 33: Episode 8

07h: Jonah Hill / Mariah Carey

Internet Date

Dean….Jonah Hill
Hot Date….Casey Wilson

(Opens with an outside shot of Tad´s Broiled Steaks restaurant. Cut to inside of it. A fat nerdy guy sits with a beautiful woman. They are kind of nervous.)

Hot Date: It’s nice to meet you face to face after talking on-line for so long.

Dean: Yeah, so, what do you think?

Hot Date: Uh…

Dean: I love the smell of burnt meat.

Hot Date: So, uh, you said that you´re a personal trainer?

Dean: Yeah, I personally trained my dog to drink beer.

Hot Date: And, um, you also said that you work in the, in the movie business?

Dean: I do. I work at Netflix in envelope receiving.

Hot Date: Cool.

Dean: Pretty cool…yeah.

Hot Date: Yeah, and you said, you done some modeling?

Dean: Yeah, I do. Actually, I do freelance work as a before model in tooth repair commercials.

Hot Date: Um, you mentioned in your IM that you had 3 children — one of which was grown?

Dean: Um, yes, I was actually referring to my penis and testicles. I said one of which is growing, not grown.

Hot Date: Oh, I see.

Dean: Yeah, you misread that.

Hot Date: Yeah, you also, you said that you sing in a barbershop quartet with three bald guys?

Dean: Once again, referring to my genitals, yeah.

Hot Date: And you, live in the meat packing district?

Dean: Another genny reference.

Hot Date: Got it, got it. And you said that you own your own home?

Dean: No, I said that I live in a home that is owned — by my parents, who also live there.

Hot Date: That´s kind of weird.

Dean: Your behavior during this date?

Hot Date: No. You said on one of your e-mails that you were the voice of one of the Budweiser frogs in that commercial? But that commercial is like really old.

Dean: Yeah, my friend Akiva and I dubbed our voices over the original commercial but we said “Hudweiser”. Its on YouTube, its got like, 41, non-me views, if you want to check it out.

Hot Date: No, that´s ok. Uh, sorry, another thing, you said that you drive a sports car?

Dean: Yeah, like in its day, the PT Cruiser was a sports car…

Hot Date: PT Cruiser is not an old car.

Dean: You know, I wouldn´t act so high and mighty. You told me some untruths as well, you know.

Hot Date: Like what?

Dean: Like, when you said you were 5´6, you know, you look more like 5´8. And you said you were above average looks, and you´re actually crazy-hot. So who´s calling who a liar?

Hot Date: So, I´m gonna assume you were never in the male version of “The Vagina Monologues”.

Dean: No, but I did listen to a woman tell me a monologue about her vagina on 34th Street. I later found out that she was a vagina peddler.

Hot Date: Why can´t anyone just tell the truth on the Internet?

Dean: Because anyone is afraid that if you knew the truth about them you would never accept an invitation for a night of steaks and human interaction.

Hot Date: Touche.

Dean: Look, if you want to go, go ahead. I understand, it’s fine.

Hot Date: Hey, Dean…

Dean: Yeah.

Hot Date: I have a confession to make. You know when I told you I had identical twins in my family? I meant my boobs.

Dean: I know. That´s why I came. Pass me the A-1, babe.

(Dean gets the A-1 from his hot date. Looks like he´s gonna score)

(Cheers and applause)


Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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