Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 8
07h: Jonah Hill / Mariah Carey
Internet Date
Dean….Jonah Hill
Hot Date….Casey Wilson
(Opens with an outside shot of Tad´s Broiled Steaks restaurant. Cut to inside of it. A fat nerdy guy sits with a beautiful woman. They are kind of nervous.)
Hot Date: It’s nice to meet you face to face after talking on-line for so long.
Dean: Yeah, so, what do you think?
Hot Date: Uh…
Dean: I love the smell of burnt meat.
Hot Date: So, uh, you said that you´re a personal trainer?
Dean: Yeah, I personally trained my dog to drink beer.
Hot Date: And, um, you also said that you work in the, in the movie business?
Dean: I do. I work at Netflix in envelope receiving.
Hot Date: Cool.
Dean: Pretty cool…yeah.
Hot Date: Yeah, and you said, you done some modeling?
Dean: Yeah, I do. Actually, I do freelance work as a before model in tooth repair commercials.
Hot Date: Um, you mentioned in your IM that you had 3 children — one of which was grown?
Dean: Um, yes, I was actually referring to my penis and testicles. I said one of which is growing, not grown.
Hot Date: Oh, I see.
Dean: Yeah, you misread that.
Hot Date: Yeah, you also, you said that you sing in a barbershop quartet with three bald guys?
Dean: Once again, referring to my genitals, yeah.
Hot Date: And you, live in the meat packing district?
Dean: Another genny reference.
Hot Date: Got it, got it. And you said that you own your own home?
Dean: No, I said that I live in a home that is owned — by my parents, who also live there.
Hot Date: That´s kind of weird.
Dean: Your behavior during this date?
Hot Date: No. You said on one of your e-mails that you were the voice of one of the Budweiser frogs in that commercial? But that commercial is like really old.
Dean: Yeah, my friend Akiva and I dubbed our voices over the original commercial but we said “Hudweiser”. Its on YouTube, its got like, 41, non-me views, if you want to check it out.
Hot Date: No, that´s ok. Uh, sorry, another thing, you said that you drive a sports car?
Dean: Yeah, like in its day, the PT Cruiser was a sports car…
Hot Date: PT Cruiser is not an old car.
Dean: You know, I wouldn´t act so high and mighty. You told me some untruths as well, you know.
Hot Date: Like what?
Dean: Like, when you said you were 5´6, you know, you look more like 5´8. And you said you were above average looks, and you´re actually crazy-hot. So who´s calling who a liar?
Hot Date: So, I´m gonna assume you were never in the male version of “The Vagina Monologues”.
Dean: No, but I did listen to a woman tell me a monologue about her vagina on 34th Street. I later found out that she was a vagina peddler.
Hot Date: Why can´t anyone just tell the truth on the Internet?
Dean: Because anyone is afraid that if you knew the truth about them you would never accept an invitation for a night of steaks and human interaction.
Hot Date: Touche.
Dean: Look, if you want to go, go ahead. I understand, it’s fine.
Hot Date: Hey, Dean…
Dean: Yeah.
Hot Date: I have a confession to make. You know when I told you I had identical twins in my family? I meant my boobs.
Dean: I know. That´s why I came. Pass me the A-1, babe.
(Dean gets the A-1 from his hot date. Looks like he´s gonna score)
(Cheers and applause)
(Fade)
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel
