SNL Transcripts: Jonah Hill: 03/15/08: MacGruber

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 33: Episode 8

07h: Jonah Hill / Mariah Carey


MacGruber…..Will Forte
Vicky…..Kristen Wiig
Isaac…..Jonah Hill

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

Making life-saving inventions out of household materials!
Getting in and out of ultra-sticky situations!
The guy’s a freakin’ genius!

[CUT to MacGruber performing punching poses against footage of flames.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[CUT to an abandoned bank. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Abandoned Bank.” CUT to a sign marked “Bank Control Room” as sirens wail.]

Isaac: [struggling with locked door] Come on! MacGruber, this door is welded shut!

Vicky: That’s not our only problem, Macgruber — from the looks of that detonator, this whole place is gonna blow in 20 seconds!

MacGruber: Well, I know one thing that’s not gonna blow, and that’s our cool. So just stay calm because we will get out of here. [mutters to himself ] We will, we will…

Vicky: [ looking at her watch ] FIFTEEN seconds, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Okay, we can do this… [ silently ] right?

Isaac: Are you asking us or telling us?

MacGruber: I’m sorry, I just heard from a little birdie that, uh, somebody was talking smack behind my back the other day and, uh, you know, it was very hurtful what they were saying, so…

Isaac: Can we talk about this later? This isn’t really relevant right now.

MacGruber: Well, actually it is! It was about my job performance, so I’d say it’s very relevant right now.

Vicky: 10 seconds MacGruber!

MacGruber: Fine, okay, fine! Uh — uh — uh, Isaac! Hand me that chalk!

Isaac: Coming right out MacGruber!

MacGruber: Vicky, that hairbrush!

Vicky: You’ve got it, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Okay, Isaac! Okay, look, I’m just gonna lay out my cards on the table here. That little birdie was my friend Brad, and he said that the person talking behind my back… was you.

Isaac: Uh…

Vicky: Five seconds, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Okay, forget it, I don’t care what you think, anyway! Okay? Because I’m very good at my job! [ mopey ] Do you really think I’m not good at my j…

[CUT to the bank exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Jacques

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