Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 8
[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]
Making life-saving inventions out of household materials!
Getting in and out of ultra-sticky situations!
The guys a freakin genius!
[CUT to MacGruber performing punching poses against footage of flames.]
[CUT to an abandoned bank. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Abandoned Bank.” CUT to a sign marked “Bank Control Room” as sirens wail.]
Isaac: [struggling with locked door] Come on! MacGruber, this door is welded shut!
Vicky: That’s not our only problem, Macgruber — from the looks of that detonator, this whole place is gonna blow in 20 seconds!
MacGruber: Well, I know one thing thats not gonna blow, and thats our cool. So just stay calm because we will get out of here. [mutters to himself ] We will, we will…
Vicky: [ looking at her watch ] FIFTEEN seconds, MacGruber!
MacGruber: Okay, we can do this… [ silently ] right?
Isaac: Are you asking us or telling us?
MacGruber: Im sorry, I just heard from a little birdie that, uh, somebody was talking smack behind my back the other day and, uh, you know, it was very hurtful what they were saying, so…
Isaac: Can we talk about this later? This isnt really relevant right now.
MacGruber: Well, actually it is! It was about my job performance, so Id say its very relevant right now.
Vicky: 10 seconds MacGruber!
MacGruber: Fine, okay, fine! Uh — uh — uh, Isaac! Hand me that chalk!
Isaac: Coming right out MacGruber!
MacGruber: Vicky, that hairbrush!
Vicky: Youve got it, MacGruber!
MacGruber: Okay, Isaac! Okay, look, Im just gonna lay out my cards on the table here. That little birdie was my friend Brad, and he said that the person talking behind my back… was you.
Vicky: Five seconds, MacGruber!
MacGruber: Okay, forget it, I dont care what you think, anyway! Okay? Because Im very good at my job! [ mopey ] Do you really think Im not good at my j…
[CUT to the bank exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]
[FADE to black over applause.]
Submitted by: Jacques