Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 8
[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]
His co-workers are buzzing bout his total incompetence!
Hes trying to ignore it but it really hurts his feelings!
Hes lashing out at everyone!
Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!![CUT to an abandoned paint factory. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Abandoned Paint Factory.” CUT to a sign marked “Paint Factory Control Room” as sirens wail.]
Isaac: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber, this door wont budge!
MacGruber: Yeah, Im not an idiot, Isaac, okay? I know the door wont budge.
Vicky: Uh, MacGruber, from the looks of this booby-trapped RPG, weve got exactly 20 seconds!
MacGruber: Oh my God, you too, Vicky? Is that how this is gonna be?
Vicky: I was just giving the time.
MacGruber: Yeah, no, I know what you were doing and I know who put you up to it. But I wanna thank you both for this, because now I know that I am the only person I can trust. So, I will be making the decisions today, okay? So, uh, Vicky, ga… gimme the, tha… mmh… oh my God, they all look like they could help, uh… ah… mmh… oh I cant do this, no I can! I can do this! I can do this, I can do this… uh… Make a decision! [mumbling] Okay Vicky, hand me the shammy! Hand me the shammy, hand me the shammy!
Vicky: There you go MacGruber![MacGruber breaks into tears]
Isaac: Oh my God, MacGruber, are you crying?
MacGruber: Oh, what are you gonna do everybody? Youre gonna tell all your little friends?! No, this is not easy, you think you can do better?
Isaac: I literally couldnt do any worse than you did.
MacGruber: Oh then be my friggin guest!
Isaac: Okay, great.
MacGruber: Be my guest.
Isaac: Okay, why dont we switch, alright, great.[ they switch sides ]
Vicky: 10 seconds, Isaac!
Isaac: Uh… hand me all that stuff over there, okay just hand it over. Okay, okay, great.
MacGruber: Do you need anything from over here? Can I help you in any way?
Isaac: No, Im fine with your stuff.
MacGruber: Okay great, well then Ill just wait over here until the explosion.
Vicky: 5 seconds!
MacGruber: Four… three…
Isaac: Youre not helping!
MacGruber: Two… one… kaboom. [ no explosion ] Oh, I… guess Vickys count was a little…[CUT to the paint factory exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]
Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!![FADE to black over applause.]
Submitted by: Jacques