SNL Transcripts: Jonah Hill: 03/15/08: MacGruber III


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 33: Episode 8

07h: Jonah Hill / Mariah Carey

MacGruber III

MacGruber…..Will Forte
Vicky…..Kristen Wiig
Isaac…..Jonah Hill
Life Coach…..Bill Hader

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

He found out everybody hates him and he went into a tailspin!
He doesn’t trust anyone except for his life coach!
He wears a friggin’ diaper now!

[CUT to MacGruber wearing a diaper as he walks in front of the camera]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[CUT to Human Trafficking Headquarters. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Human Trafficking Headquarters.” CUT to a sign marked “Human Trafficking Control Room” as sirens wail.]

Isaac: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber, the door is bolted shut!

Vicky: That’s not all, MacGruber, this ammonium nitrate bomb is set to blow in 20 seconds!

[MacGruber looks away from the bomb, as his Life Coach steps forward]

Life Coach: Hey MacGruber, do you wanna say something to them? [MacGruber whispers in his ear] No, no, I’m not gonna tell them that because you can’t defuse the bomb, MacGruber. How about we do this together, okay?

Vicky: 15 seconds!

Life Coach: Okay, let’s start asking for supplies, okay?

MacGruber: Chair.

Life Coach: Chair, a chair, that’s a great idea ,MacGruber, yeah, a chair.

Isaac: Wha… come on!

Life Coach: [to Issac] We don’t need your negativity right now.

[MacGruber begins to tap the chair’s legs onto the bomb]

Life Coach: You’re taking small steps but they’re big steps, buddy. That’s good, MacGruber.

Isaac: You can’t defuse a bomb with a chair!

Life Coach: What’s your name?

Isaac: Isaac.

Life Coach: Isaac, let me let you in a little secret: you can do anything if you put your mind…

[CUT to Human Trafficking Headquarters exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Jacques

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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