Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 8
Life Coach…..Bill Hader
[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]
He found out everybody hates him and he went into a tailspin!
He doesnt trust anyone except for his life coach!
He wears a friggin diaper now!
Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!![CUT to Human Trafficking Headquarters. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Human Trafficking Headquarters.” CUT to a sign marked “Human Trafficking Control Room” as sirens wail.]
Isaac: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber, the door is bolted shut!
Vicky: Thats not all, MacGruber, this ammonium nitrate bomb is set to blow in 20 seconds![MacGruber looks away from the bomb, as his Life Coach steps forward]
Life Coach: Hey MacGruber, do you wanna say something to them? [MacGruber whispers in his ear] No, no, Im not gonna tell them that because you cant defuse the bomb, MacGruber. How about we do this together, okay?
Vicky: 15 seconds!
Life Coach: Okay, lets start asking for supplies, okay?
Life Coach: Chair, a chair, thats a great idea ,MacGruber, yeah, a chair.
Isaac: Wha… come on!
Life Coach: [to Issac] We dont need your negativity right now.[MacGruber begins to tap the chair’s legs onto the bomb]
Life Coach: Youre taking small steps but theyre big steps, buddy. Thats good, MacGruber.
Isaac: You cant defuse a bomb with a chair!
Life Coach: Whats your name?
Life Coach: Isaac, let me let you in a little secret: you can do anything if you put your mind…[CUT to Human Trafficking Headquarters exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]
Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!![FADE to black over applause.]
Submitted by: Jacques