Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 8
NBC Special Report
Brian Williams…..Will Forte
Sen. John McCain…..Darrell Hammond
Jeffrey Greenberg…..Fred Armisen
Gail Parker…..Amy Poehler
[ open on NBC news graphics ]
Announcer: We interrupt this program for an NBC Special Report. Here’s Brian Williams.[ dissolve to Brian Williams in the NBC News studio ]
Brian Williams: Good evening. In a week already ripe with political scandal, we now have another revelation that is bound to shake up the Republican nomination. After a year-long NBC News investigation, it has come to light that the presumptive Republican nominee — John McCain — is, in fact, OLD![ show graphic of John McCain with the word “OLD” ]
NBC News has obtained a copy of McCain’s birth certificate that appears to confirm that he is not only old, but very old. The kind of old that makes you not really trust him with scissors. Due to the potentially damaging nature of these allegations, we’ve invited Sen. McCain to be on the program. Senator, what is your response to this scandal?[ cut to Sen. John McCain, with SUPER: “John McCain: Is He Old?” ]
Sen. John McCain: I wouldn’t really call this a scandal. The fact is, I’ve never lied about my age, nor should I have to. I’m 71, but I work 24/7. [ he chuckles ] I’m very active!
Brian Williams: So, you wouldn’t describe yourself as old?
Sen. John McCain: Absolutely not.
Brian Williams: Uh, Senator, this investigation was exhaustive. Uh — let me show you some of what NBC uncovered.[ show still photo of McCain an early bird buffet ]
Brian Williams: Here’s a surveillance photo of you, Senator, walking into Bob Evans to take advantage of their buffet.
Sen. John McCain: [ he chuckles ] Yes, I was having dinner. I don’t see how that’s relevant.
Brian Williams: Can you see the time stamp on that photo, Senator? It says 4:30 in the afternoon.
Sen. John McCain: My friends, I would rather talk about national priorities, like the young men and women serving in Iraq!
Brian Williams: They also went into your bank records and found this:[ show image of a check ]
Brian Williams: Now, this is a check signed by you, Senator. It was sent to your grandson for his birthday. As you can see, the check is for five dollars, and the memo line reads: “For penny candy”. Can you explain this, Senator?
Sen. John McCain: I don’t see anything wrong with giving my grandson a birthday present. But, look — I want to discuss pork barrel spending!
Brian Williams: They also uncovered phone records. Call logs show that several times you were contacted by fraudulent telemarketers. These scam artists tricked you into buying low-cost vitamins, a rotisserie grill, and a non-existent time share in Orlando. Now, are you afraid of strange people on the phone, Senator?
Sen. John McCain: [ incredulous ] What? No!
Brian Williams: Do they confuse you with their fast talk and big promises?
Sen. John McCain: Let’s cut the brass tacks, my friends. I may be 71, but I’m not too old to run this country!
Brian Williams: Are you old enough to regularly use the phrase “brass tacks”?
Sen. John McCain: You know, as I’ve said many times, why don’t you look at my mother? She’s 95, and she’s fit as a fiddle.
Brian Williams: “Fit as a fiddle”. Uh, is that another one of those senior expressions? Look, if you’re just joining us, hours ago it was confirmed by multiple sources that Sen. John McCain is crazy old. Uh, here to confirm our awe analysis are two admittedly old people — Jeffrey Greenberg and Gail Parker, from Long Island. Welcome.[ cut to the two old people via satellite ]
Gail Parker: [ looking around ] Hello..?
Jeffrey Greenberg: Are we on?
Gail Parker: Hello..?
Jeffrey Greenberg: Hello..?
Brian Williams: Yes. Yes, you’re on, sir, ma’am.
Jeffrey Greenberg: Hello..?
Brian Williams: Yes. Uh, let me ask you this: based on your firsthand experience, is Sen. McCain old?
Jeffrey Greenberg: Oh, yeah. Yes.
Gail Parker: Oh, absolutely!
Jeffrey Greenberg: Yes!
Gail Parker: Who’s talking?
Jeffrey Greenberg: Hello?
Brian Williams: Sen. McCain, any response?
Sen. John McCain: Well, I mean, you people certainly sound like you’re doing alright, but, with all due respect, I’m not quite as old as you are. I’m 71.
Jeffrey Greenberg: I’m 70!
Gail Parker: And I’m 68! If you’re not old, here’s a test: Do you watch “Wheel of Fortune”?
Sen. John McCain: [ he scoffs ] Of course! Everybody does!
Jeffrey Greenberg: Is there a — is there a jar full of hard candy in your living room?
Sen. John McCain: [ he laughs ] Yes. So what?
Gail Parker: Do you steal Sweet ‘n Low packets from McDonald’s?
Sen. John McCain: Uh — maybe once or twice.
Gail Parker: Then, you’re old, John!
Jeffrey Greenberg: You’re old! You’re old, and you admit it.
Brian Williams: Uh, thank you. Uh — we now return to our regularly scheduled program. join us tonight for more coverage of this Seniorgate scandal. we’ll examine surveillance footage of Sen. McCain sitting alone on a bench in the middle of the mall.[ cut to NBC news graphics ] [ fade ]