Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 8
07h: Jonah Hill / Mariah Carey
An SNL Digital Short
…..Jonah Hill
…..Andy Samberg
Ben Samberg…..Jim Downey
…..Bill Hader
[ tag (over black screen): “An SNL Digital Short” ]
[ dissolve to Andy Samberg being fitted for a costume change, as Jonah Hill walks up ]
Jonah Hill: Hey, dude.
Andy Samberg: [ looking up ] Hey, man.
Jonah Hill: [ apprehensive ] Um — are you busy right now? Can you grab a coffee, or something?
Andy Samberg: Yeah, of course. [ uneasy ] Is everything okay?
Jonah Hill: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I just want to run something by you real quick.
Andy Samberg: Okay. Let’s do it.
[ cut to Andy and Jonah seated at a table in Starbuck’s ]
Andy Samberg: So, what’s going on? You nervous about the show?
Jonah Hill: [ shaking his head ] No, I’m — I’m — I’m feeling okay about the show. I’m more excited than anything else.
Andy Samberg: Well, good. So what’s up?
Jonah Hill: Um… so, you remember when I met your family last week at the show?
[ flashback to Jonah meeting the Samberg Family ]
Andy Samberg: Oh… yeah. They actually loved you. My mom thought you were hilarious!
Jonah Hill: [ nervous ] Yeah, uh — well, there’s actually kind of an issue with that.
Andy Samberg: [ confused ] Like… what kind of an issue?
Jonah Hill: Well… since then… I’ve, uh — I’ve sort of been… seeing your dad.
Andy Samberg: What was that?
Jonah Hill: [ more direct ] I’ve been dating your dad.
Andy Samberg: Like, my dad, dad?
[ flashback to Jonah shaking hands with Mr. Samberg, their spark going unnoticed by the remainder of the Samberg Family ]
Jonah Hill: Like… your father… Ben. I’ve been seeing him every day.
Andy Samberg: So, what — you guys hang out, or something?
Jonah Hill: Quite a bit, actually.
Andy Samberg: What?
[ flashback to Jonah having dinner with the Samberg Family ]
Jonah Hill: So, last week — remember when we all had dinner?
Andy Samberg: Yeah.
Jonah Hill: Do you remember when we all parted ways? Alright, well… I had to run back in because I had forgotten my scarf, and… who should walk in, but your dad… and he’d forgotten his gloves. Neither of us were tired, so… we were, like, “Hey! Why don’t we just go grab a beer, or something?”
Andy Samberg: You grabbed a beer with my dad?
Jonah Hill: Yes! Just listen, okay?
[ flashback to Jonah and Mr. Samberg having that beer — clinking their glasses, laughing, and nonchalently touching hands ]
Jonah Hill: So, we got a beer, and… we just started talking, and… truth be told, he is one of the most fascinating people I’ve ever met in my life.
Andy Samberg: [ laughing ] Is this a joke?
Jonah Hill: No! I mean… I wish it was a joke. It would be easier if it was a joke. It’s just that, Ben is —
Andy Samberg: My dad.
Jonah Hill: Yes! Your “dad”! My “boyfriend”! Whatever!
Andy Samberg: You’re just “hanging out”, right? It’s not as if you’re…?
Jonah Hill: No, no, no, no, no! It’s gotten extraordinarily physical. I mean —
[ flashback to Jonah and Mr. Samberg open-mouthed kissing one another and groping each other’s knees ]
[ Andy’s face registers a silent panic, as Jonah fondly sips his coffee ]
Jonah Hill: I’m not usually a coffee guy. [ smiles ] Ben’s got me trying all sorts of crazy things!
Andy Samberg: Right. Uhhhh — I gotta be honest with you, I’m… really not cool with this.
Jonah Hill: I know it sounds insane. It sounds nuts, but — [ he shakes his head ] this isn’t just some fling.
[ flashback to Jonah and Mr. Samberg looking out over the harbor… feeding each other during a picnic in Central Park… running through the park… holding hands as they walk through the city… laughing together on the couch before Jonah lowers himself below the screen to perform oral sex on Mr. Samberg ]
Jonah Hill: I don’t know how else to say it. I just… I feel like I’ve never felt with anybody else in my entire life. We just have so much fun together. I mean, when we’re together, we laugh and we laugh and we laugh and we laugh, and we laugh some more.
Andy Samberg: Dude… you’re dating my 57-year old father…
Jonah Hill: Why is everyone freaking out about the age thing! You sound like your MOM right now!
Andy Samberg: [ near tears ] Don’t say my “mom”.
Jonah Hill: I know this is tough! But, even if I lose a friend over this… I like to think that I’ve gained a son.
Andy Samberg: Okay…
[ Mr. Samberg enters, smiling ]
Mr. Samberg: Uh-oh! Here’s my guys! Andy… [ rubs Andy’s shaggy hair ] Jonah… [ kisses Jonah on the lips ]
Jonah Hill: Hi. Ben.
[ Andy is stone-faced ]
Mr. Samberg: Andy… I’ve been meaning to tell you. Jonah and I are dating.
Jonah Hill: I’m sorry… I told him already.
Mr. Samberg: Blabbermouth!
Jonah Hill: I know, I’m the worst!
[ Bill Hader enters ]
Bill Hader: Hey, Ben! I’m ready to go! [ freezes when he notices Andy and Jonah are also there ] Andy… Jonah. How do you guys know Ben?
Andy Samberg: Uh… he’s my dad?
Bill Hader: Small world! We’ve been f–kin’!
[ freeze-frame as Hader turns to the camera and smiles ]
[ SUPER: “Created by Lorne Michaels ]
[ fade ]
