Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 8
Spitzer & Associates
Eliot Spitzer…..Bill Hader
Mrs. Spitzer…..Kristen Wiig
[ open on Eliot Spitzer standing at podium, with his frowning wife standing helplessly at his side ]
Eliot Spitzer: Hello. I’m Eliot Spitzer. For the past ten years, I’ve proudly served the people of New York State: eight years as Attorney General, and fourteen months as Governor. Through it all, I’ve NEVER stopped fighting for you; protecting your rights, ensuring your safety, and singlehandedly taking on the special interests.
[ Mrs. Spitzer rolls her eyes ]
Eliot Spitzer: Now that I’ve resigned as Governor, I intend to bring that same passion and intensity to my new career: as an attorney in private practice, specializing in lurid, embarrassing sex cases.
[ Mrs. Spitzer purses her lips ]
Eliot Spitzer: You see, getting caught up in an ugly scandal, involving money-laundering and high-priced call girls, may have ended my political career and brought pain to my family —
[ he turns to glance at Mrs. Spitzer, who turns her head and glances away from him ]
Eliot Spitzer: — but it also taught me something important: when you find yourself in legal trouble, particularly of a distasteful, deeply humiliating nature, you… need… a good attorney… in your corner. An attorney who will FIGHT for you — no matter how undignified your case — and fight ferociously, without shame or embarrassment. NO ONE will fight harder for you. And believe me when I say: I am, at this point, incapable of embarrassment.
[ SUPER: 1-800-T-A-W-D-R-Y | Spitzer & Associates ]
Eliot Spitzer: Have you suffered a slip-and-fall in a gay bathhouse? I will be HONORED to handle your case!
Have you been injured by a defective motorized masturbation device? We’ll take them to court — you and me!
Has U.S. Customs unfairly seized your shipment of German porn? Let’s SUE them, and get it BACK! If we succeed, we’ll make history! The TWO of us!
[ his cell phone rings ]
Eliot Spitzer: Excuse me. I’m sorry… Sorry about this…
[ he pulls his cell phone out of his pocket, but Mrs. Spitzer tugs on it to examine the Caller ID. Spitzer pulls it back from her. ]
Eliot Spitzer: Come on! [ he holds the cell phone to his ear ] Spitzer! [ he frowns ] Counselor? Do you have an offer, or are we gonna keep playing games here? Oh, yes. Your client ADMITS she inserted a knotted handkerchief — obviously, there was an implied promise of removal! Oh. Okay… okay… Yeah? Oh, here’s my counter-offer: you, by the side of the road, wrapped in PLASTIC!! [ he hangs up ] Douchebag. Don’t worry, that’s just blowing smoke! They’re — they’re gonna settle.
Look — the high-priced call girl services have lawyers working for their side. Why shouldn’t you? Whether it’s a major issue, such as the incompotent brothel worker who, time after time, screws up a simple erotic asphyxiation… or something smaller, like not getting the reach-around you paid for… you don’t have to take it! I won’t let them MAKE you take it! And what if it’s the dreaded “worst-case” scenario: the dead hooker? Don’t make yourself crazy over it. Look — any death is an unfortunate thing. But it’s not like either of you intended it. These things happen. Let me take care of it. I will do professionally… and with pride.
So don’t make the mistake of many in your position, and assume I won’t take your case because it’s nasty or sickening. Believe me, THAT won’t happen! In all honesty, I can’t imagine a case I would turn down. That’s a promise. And so is this: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
[ camera pans over to Mrs. Spitzer’s sour face before cutting to the opening montage ]