SNL Transcripts: Jonah Hill: 03/15/08: Spitzer & Associates


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 33: Episode 8

07h: Jonah Hill / Mariah Carey

Spitzer & Associates

Eliot Spitzer…..Bill Hader
Mrs. Spitzer…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on Eliot Spitzer standing at podium, with his frowning wife standing helplessly at his side ]

Eliot Spitzer: Hello. I’m Eliot Spitzer. For the past ten years, I’ve proudly served the people of New York State: eight years as Attorney General, and fourteen months as Governor. Through it all, I’ve NEVER stopped fighting for you; protecting your rights, ensuring your safety, and singlehandedly taking on the special interests.

[ Mrs. Spitzer rolls her eyes ]

Eliot Spitzer: Now that I’ve resigned as Governor, I intend to bring that same passion and intensity to my new career: as an attorney in private practice, specializing in lurid, embarrassing sex cases.

[ Mrs. Spitzer purses her lips ]

Eliot Spitzer: You see, getting caught up in an ugly scandal, involving money-laundering and high-priced call girls, may have ended my political career and brought pain to my family —

[ he turns to glance at Mrs. Spitzer, who turns her head and glances away from him ]

Eliot Spitzer: — but it also taught me something important: when you find yourself in legal trouble, particularly of a distasteful, deeply humiliating nature, you… need… a good attorney… in your corner. An attorney who will FIGHT for you — no matter how undignified your case — and fight ferociously, without shame or embarrassment. NO ONE will fight harder for you. And believe me when I say: I am, at this point, incapable of embarrassment.

[ SUPER: 1-800-T-A-W-D-R-Y | Spitzer & Associates ]

Eliot Spitzer: Have you suffered a slip-and-fall in a gay bathhouse? I will be HONORED to handle your case!

Have you been injured by a defective motorized masturbation device? We’ll take them to court — you and me!

Has U.S. Customs unfairly seized your shipment of German porn? Let’s SUE them, and get it BACK! If we succeed, we’ll make history! The TWO of us!

[ his cell phone rings ]

Eliot Spitzer: Excuse me. I’m sorry… Sorry about this…

[ he pulls his cell phone out of his pocket, but Mrs. Spitzer tugs on it to examine the Caller ID. Spitzer pulls it back from her. ]

Eliot Spitzer: Come on! [ he holds the cell phone to his ear ] Spitzer! [ he frowns ] Counselor? Do you have an offer, or are we gonna keep playing games here? Oh, yes. Your client ADMITS she inserted a knotted handkerchief — obviously, there was an implied promise of removal! Oh. Okay… okay… Yeah? Oh, here’s my counter-offer: you, by the side of the road, wrapped in PLASTIC!! [ he hangs up ] Douchebag. Don’t worry, that’s just blowing smoke! They’re — they’re gonna settle.

Look — the high-priced call girl services have lawyers working for their side. Why shouldn’t you? Whether it’s a major issue, such as the incompotent brothel worker who, time after time, screws up a simple erotic asphyxiation… or something smaller, like not getting the reach-around you paid for… you don’t have to take it! I won’t let them MAKE you take it! And what if it’s the dreaded “worst-case” scenario: the dead hooker? Don’t make yourself crazy over it. Look — any death is an unfortunate thing. But it’s not like either of you intended it. These things happen. Let me take care of it. I will do professionally… and with pride.

So don’t make the mistake of many in your position, and assume I won’t take your case because it’s nasty or sickening. Believe me, THAT won’t happen! In all honesty, I can’t imagine a case I would turn down. That’s a promise. And so is this: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

[ camera pans over to Mrs. Spitzer’s sour face before cutting to the opening montage ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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