SNL Transcripts: Jonah Hill: 03/15/08: The Suze Orman Show



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 8










07h: Jonah Hill / Mariah Carey

The Suze Orman Show

Suze Orman…..Kristen Wiig
Caller…..Will Forte
Kenny Ptusiak…..Jonah Hill

[ opening graphics ]

Announcer: It’s The Suze Orman Show!

[ dissolve to Suze Orman ]

Suze Orman: Hello, my friends. I’m… Suze Orman! The first item on the docket today, I… HAVE… to tell ya, that no matter where I go, women… always… seem to ask me… the same… thing. It doesn’t matter if I’m on the Oprah show, or out… on the street… walking… my… cat. They ask me: “Suze… where… do… you… get… your… jackets?” Well, today… I’m… going to tell you! I get most of my jackets in Phoenix, Arizona, at a place called Joanne’s Phoenix Jacket Junction.

[ reveal photo of Orman standing in front of the shop with Joanne ]

Suze Orman: And that… is… Joanne. Now, I am… not… gonna lie: I spend 80% of my gross income on… my… jackets. Whether they be sparkly, studded, stained-glass, denim and leather, or courduroy animal print. You may say, “Suze… why… so… many… jackets, for bubble’s sake?” I am going to… tell you… right now! When I pass away, all of those jackets will be donated to homeless women… to wear… to dinner!

[ she smiles proudly ]

Moving on! And, now… it’s time where I tell you… if you… can afford it. Okay! Phil from Miami, what can I do you for?

Caller: Oh, well, I’m retired and pretty well off.

Suze Orman: Oh! Are you single?

Caller: Why, yes, I am.

Suze Orman: Are you a woman?

Caller: Nope.

Suze Orman: Well, then, Phil… you… can count… me… out! What are you… just dying… to buy?

Caller: Well, I would just love to go explore Europe this summer.

Suze Orman: Okay, Phil. Show me… the money.

Caller: Well, I have, uh — two million in savings, 100 million in stocks, and 20 million in retirement.

Suze Orman: Okay. And you… want… to go… to Europe. An unskilled financial advisor would look at your profile and say, “Arriverderci, Phil!” But, ohhhh no! Not… me! You want to see all of Europe? Fly to Florida, go… to Epcot Center! And bring your own Toblerone candy log… and carry it… in… your waist-purse. Did you ever think of that, Mr. Moneybags?

[ hang-up sound effect ]

Suze Orman: People! If you don’t hold on to the money you have now… life is gonna pull your pants down… and punch you… in… the moneybags. Okay? Sorrrrrry, my dear. But that’s… the way… the Toblerone… turns! And now, it’s time to meet a wonderful guest, who I think is SUCH a doll — his name… is Kenny… Ptusiak. Hi, Kenny!

[ reveal Kenny on split-screen ]

Kenny Ptusiak: Hi, Suze, I love your show.

Suze Orman: Thank you, my dear one. How… can I… help you?

Kenny Ptusiak: Well, in the late 90’s, my wife and I bought a house in a very bad neighborhood in L.A. And now, the area’s getting hot, and the value has gone up about 300%.

Suze Orman: Sounds pretty good so far! But I think… I’m about… to smell… a big… financial… garlic burn! [ she smiles enthusiastically ]

Kenny Ptusiak: Well… I took her out to a financial seminar, and they suggested we SELL the house… and buy a dilapidated hospital along the San Andreas Fault.

Suze Orman: [ shaking her head ] Kenny, why would you even consider this?

Kenny Ptusiak: I don’t know… Mainly, because I’ve always wanted to have a hospital.

Suze Orman: Kennnnny! Over my tan-faced, pale body… are you… to even THINK… about… going ahead… with… this… deal! It will RUIN your life, as well… as… your future!

Kenny Ptusiak: [ meekly ] I already did it…

Suze Orman: Kenny, you are… a full… tilt… dumb ass!

Kenny Ptusiak: [ speechless ]

Suze Orman: Listen, my little friends: if you’re not saving, you’re losing. Do what I do. I save money every day, and it’s really… quite… simple. I always bring my own food and drink in Ziploc bags wherever I go, even… to… restaurants! [ she holds up two Ziploc bags ] I only travel by crank-powered three-wheel bicycles. I make my own deodorant in my crockpot. And… my partner and I… live… in… my dressing room. Now… THAT’S… financial freedom!

Well! THAT… is… the show! I… am off… to court. I’m being sued by a woman who claims she was blinded… by the whiteness of my teeth at a stop light… and drove… straight into… a pond. Okay? And don’t forget, my little dear ones: people first, then money… then things… then jackets.

[ fade ]

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