Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 8
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07h: Jonah Hill / Mariah Carey
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers
…..Amy Poehler
…..Seth Meyers
…..Tracy Morgan
Announcer: “Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.”
Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers!
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler! And here are tonight’s top stories.
Shocking news out of New York this week. Turns out the whistleblower was having his whistle blown.
During a short press conference, Monday, in which New York Governor Eliot Spitzer apologized for his involvement in a prostitution ring, his wife, Silda, stood by his side — apparently, to make sure there are no prostitutes under the podium.
Seth Meyers: On Tuesday, Barack Obama won the Mississippi primary with nearly 90% of the black vote in the state, but only one-quarter of the white vote. While Mississippi’s Asian guy is still too scared to leave the house.
Many California parents who home-school their children are upset by a California court ruling that may force their children to be taught by a credentialed teacher. Said one angry parent, “This is just like what the Nazis did to the Eskimos in the 1850s.”
Amy Poehler: According to a new report, a cocktail of more than fifteen drugs ranging from pain relievers to veterinary medicines, have been found in New York Citys drinking water. The good news? You can now freebase your Fabrilta… Brita Filter!
Seth Meyers: [ chuckling ] Fabrilta, not as good!
The revelation of Eliot Spitzers involvement with a high-end prostitution ring is one of the most shocking and abrupt political scandals in recent history. And it brings us to a segment we like to call: Really!?! with Seth and Amy.
Really, Eliot Spitzer? Really? Did you not think prostitution rings get busted? Your job used to be busting prostitution rings! Really!
Amy Poehler: Really!
Seth Meyers: And the service you used was called Emperors Club V.I.P. Really? You know, as a rule, if something has V.I.P. in the title its not for V.I.P.s. If you see a place called the VIP Nail Salon in Midtown, you will not find Keira Knightly there.
Amy Poehler: And you used a fake name, but your real home address? Really? Thats like wearing a fake moustache and a t-shirt that says “Im wearing a fake moustache!” And your fake name was your buddys name! And, not only that, you picked a buddy whose name sounds made-up! “George Fox.” Really? Why not just go with “Captain Superdong”? Really!
Seth Meyers: Really!
Amy Poehler: Really!
Seth Meyers: And you wanted to have sex with a hooker, but you didnt want to wear a condom? Really?
Amy Poehler: Really!
Seth Meyers: That might not be scary if you were Client #1, but you were Client #9. I wear a condom if Im ninth in line at the deli!
Amy Poehler: Really?
Seth Meyers: Really!
Amy Poehler: Really!
Seth Meyers: I really do!
Amy Poehler: He really does! And, Silda — Silda, God bless your strength and your fortitude, but you didnt have to stand there. Really! Tammy Wynette would not have stood there. And if you do stand up there, you have permission to make goofy faces. You can go like this: [ makes an exaggerated motion ] You can make rabbit ears. You can do one of these: [ makes a thumbs-up ] then go like this: [ stretches finger apart to represent a small penis ] Its your time to shine! Really.
Seth Meyers: Really. Also, liberals: quit complaining that Larry Craig didnt resign after his sex scandal. Larry Craig tapped his foot in a bathroom; Eliot Spitzer spent eighty thousand dollars on prostitutes. You cant compare. Its not apples and oranges; thats apples and prostitutes. And, side note: Larry Craig you have to resign too, I mean, really.
Amy Poehler: Yeah, you have to resign too. Really!
Seth Meyers: Really! Spitzers worse, but you really have to go. Really!
Amy Poehler: Yeah, you have to go, too! Really!
Seth Meyers: Really!
Amy Poehler: Huh!
Announcer: This has been “Really!?! with Seth and Amy.”
Amy Poehler: In his first televised interview since suspending his presidential campaign, Mitt Romney, on Tuesday, said he would be “honored” to serve as John McCains vice-presidential nominee. Which was an odd response to the question, “So, how do you like this weather?”
An 800-pound Mexican mans attempt to go to a picnic in pursuit of a date was ruined after the flatbed truck carrying his bed to the event hit an overpass and his bed was damaged, forcing him to return home. Which is a shame, as, otherwise, the plan was solid.
Seth Meyers: The first finalist voted off “American Idol” this week was David Hernandez, who was a former stripper, and is now a current stripper.
A California company has created an IQ test kit for dogs. It works like this: if you buy it, your dog is smarter than you.
Amy Poehler: The State Department upset human rights groups this week by removing China from its annual list of human rights violators. This, despite their plan to light the Olympic torch using an outspoken journalist.
A new study shows that at least one in four teenage girls in the U.S. has a sexually-transmitted disease. “I like those odds,” said Mr. Mathis, the cool history teacher.
Seth Meyers: This week, the issue of race once again became the focal point for the Democratic Presidential candidates. Hillary Clintons longtime advisor, Geraldine Ferraro, said, “If Barack Obama was a white man, he would not be in this position. And if he was a woman, he would not be in this position. He happens to be very lucky to be who he is.” Here to comment, an old friend of ours, Tracy Morgan.
[ the audience cheers ]
Tracy Morgan: Thank you Seth. Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm. Why is it every time a black man in this country gets too good at something, theres always someone to come around and remind us that hes black? First, Tiger… then, Donovan McNabb… then, me! And now Barack. I got a theory about that. Its a little complicated, but, basically, it goes like this: We are a racist country. The end! Maybe not the people in this room…
But, if were not a racist country, then how did Hillary convince everybody in Texas and Ohio that Barack didnt know how to answer the phone at three in the morning? Let me tell you something: Barack knows how to answer that phone! Hes not going to answer it, like, [ trembling ] Hello..? Im scared. and whats going on..? Hes going to answer it like I would get a call at three in the morning! [ angrily ] Yeah, whos this?! It better be good, or Im gonna come down there and put somebody in a wheelchair!
[ Tracy squints to read the next line on the cue card, but faces difficulty. He tries to stifle a laugh. ]
Some things never change, Seth!
Seth Meyers: [ shrugs his shoulders, confused ] Okay…
Tracy Morgan: [ reading the cue card correctly now ] People say hes not a fighter. Let me tell you something, hes gangster. Hes from Chicago! Barack is not just winning because he’s a black man. If that were the case, I would be winning. And Im WAY blacker than him! I used to smoke Newports and drink Old English! I grew up on government cheese! I prefer it.
Now theres all this stuff, and all this talk, about the pastor. Barack gotta stay away from the pastor, because hes TOO black! But, just because he knows the dude, doesnt think — doesn’t mean hes gonna think like him. You know? Look, I have a friend that goes to strip clubs. That doesnt mean that I’M gonna go to the strip club.
Seth Meyers: But… you do go to strip clubs.
Tracy Morgan: Yeah, but I go for the girls! Not because my friend is going! I have integrity! Barack is qualified! Personally, I want to know what qualifies Hilary Clinton to be the next president? Is it because she was married to the president? If that were the case, then Robin Givens would be heavyweight champion of the world! If Hillarys last name wasnt Clinton, shed be some crazy white lady with too much money and not enough lovin! Thats where I come in. Now, I know women like that. You do NOT want them on the phone at three in the morning!
In conclusion, three weeks ago, my girl, Tina Fey — she came on this show, and she declared that “Bitch is the new Black.” And you know I love you, Tina. You know youre my girl. But I have something to say: Bitch may be the new Black… but Black is the new president… bitch!
Seth Meyers: Tracy Morgan, everybody!
Tracy Morgan: In da house!
Amy Poehler: Thank you, Tracy. It’s always nice to have you back.
A new study has found that 17% of schoolchildren are already drinking alcohol by middle school. The remaining 83%? Still nerds.
Seth Meyers: Officials in Amsterdam now say that people can have sex in a city park, as long as it is limited to the evening hours or night and is not near the playground. Adding, “Ah what the heck — do it in the playground!”
A small Iowa town that is being overrun by stray cats has offered a five dollar bounty for each animal captured and turned in. It sounds like a job for “Actual Dog the Bounty Hunter.”
Amy Poehler: The CW is developing an updated version of the 1990s hit show “Beverly Hills, 90210.” Its called “One O.C. Gossip Tree Creek.”
Seth Meyers: Yesterday was Pi Day, which is celebrated by mathematicians because March 14th, or 3.14, is the value of pi. So, uh — yeah. I was pretty hungover this morning!
Amy Poehler: Polands Prime Minister, Donal Tusk, visited President Bush in Washington this week to discuss modernizing the Polish military. Specifically, replacing all the screen doors on Polish submarines.
Seth Meyers: For Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers.
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler. Good night!
