Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 8
07i: Christopher Walken / Panic at the Disco
Drama Teacher…..Christopher Walken
Miss Hash…..Amy Poehler
[ open on exterior, high school auditorium ] [ dissolve to interior, high school auditorium, four high school boys huddled in one corner, laughing, as the Drama Teacher steps forward ]
Drama Teacher: Guys, come on… the Norh Side High Senior Musical is in three weeks — yes? — and we need to rehearse. I am a Drama teacher… I am not David Blaine. Right, Miss Hash?[ Miss Hash stares stone-faced from behind her piano ]
Drama Teacher: Look — Principal Henderson… watched… rehearsal yesterday, and… he said that he was unaware that we were doing the original Broadway version of “Grease”, and he’s worried that… some of the lyrics might be… inappropriate. News to me, but… let’s sing through it and see what he’s talking about. Miss Hash, you ready?[ Miss Hash stares stone-faced from behind her piano ]
Drama Teacher: Five! Six, seven, eight.
Boys: [ singing ]“Go, Greased Lightin’, you’re burnin’ up the quarter-mile!Greased Lightnin’! Go, Greased Lightnin’!You are supreme!The chicks will cream!Go, Greased Lightnin’!”
Drama Teacher: Whoa!! Who, whoa, whoa!! Wait a minute! The chicks will, what?! That is dirty! Do you — do you know what that means? [ incredulous ] “Chicks will cream…”[ the four boys discuss it amongst themselves ]
Drama Teacher: Lucas! Do you know what that means?
Lucas: [ nervously ] I-I-I think I do, yeah…
Drama Teacher: Yeah? [ he nods ] Come here! Yell me what you think it is! [ Lucas is reluctant ] Come here! Whisper… in my ear.[ Lucas steps forward and whispers into the Drama Teacher’s ear ]
Drama Teacher: Yes. You got it. Good for you. Tell your friends, they want to know… what it means.
Drama Teacher: That’s right… boys… it’s dirty! So… we have to replace that lyric with something else. Let’s see… “Chicks will… teem“… “Chicks will… seem“…
Drama Teacher: No, shut up! “Chicks… chicks will fleem!” We’ll do “fleem”. So, it’s… “You are supreme… chicks will fleem… for Greased Lightnin’.”
Tommy: Wait… fleem?
Drama Teacher: It works! It fits! It rhymes! Next verse! Ready… Miss Hash?[ Miss Hash stares stone-faced from behind her piano ]
Drama Teacher: Five, six, seven, eight!
Boys: [ singing ]“Pistons, plugs, and shocks
I can get off my rocks!
You know that I’m not lyin’…!”
Drama Teacher: Whoa!! Wait a minute!! “Get off my rocks”? We can’t sing that! That is dirty! You know what that means? “Get off my rocks.” Keith… you know what that means?
Drama Teacher: You do? Come over here. [ Keith steps forward ] Tell me what you think that means. Whisper it.[ Keith whispers into the Drama Teacher’s ear ]
Drama Teacher: It does. But, how?
Drama Teacher: [ he nods ] That’s it. That’s how you do it. [ points to the other boys ] Tell them.[ Keith returns to his friends and whispers into their huddle. The other three react with mild surprise. ]
Drama Teacher: So… we need to change it. “Pistons, plugs, and shocks…”
Tommy: Uh — “This car really rocks!”
Drama Teacher: No, shut up! “Pistons, plugs, and shocks… [ thinking ] Flocks, flocks, flocks!” It oughtta do. It works. It fits. Next verse. Miss Hash, ready?[ Miss Hash stares stone-faced from behind her piano ]
Drama Teacher: Five, six, seven, eight!
Boys: [ singing ]“You know that I’m not braggin’
She’s a real pussy wagon…!”
Drama Teacher: Whoa!! Wait a minute!! That’s dirty! Do you know what that means? [ pointing ] You in the back — Evan. You know?
Evan: [ rubbing his chin ] Yeah.
Drama Teacher: Come here. Tell me. Tell me. [ Evan steps forward ] What is it? Whisper.[ Evan whispers into the Drama Teacher’s ear ]
Drama Teacher: No… that’s not it.
Drama Teacher: No, they — they — it’s too little…[ Evan continues to whisper into the Drama Teacher’s ear ]
Drama Teacher: Come on! Even Miss Hash knows what it means![ Evan returns to his friends ]
Drama Teacher: Yes! Finally. It’s like pulling teeth. So… instead of singing “It’s a real…” — you know what — “wagon”… we’ll do… hmm… [ thinking ] “Have you ever seen a dragon? …Greased Lightnin’.”
Tommy: A dragon? Isn’t this supposed to be a song about a car?
Drama Teacher: Tommy… when you’re on Broadway… and you will be, all of you… but, when you’re on Broadway… you’re performing in front of an adult audience. Then, you can talk about your rocks, whatever kind of wagon you want… but, this is… high school… and, if I let you sing that, the School Board… will put me in a box and push me down a hill, okay? So… what’re we gonna sing?
Boys: “Have you ever seen a dragon?”
Drama Teacher: Right. And, now… I-I’m worried about “Greased Lightnin’.” In certain circles, it’s filthy. You know what that means? Come here![ the boys step closer and huddle around the Drama Teacher as he explains the meaning with gyrating gestures and a punch-motion to the groin ]
All: Ohhhh!!!![ the boys return to their first position ]
Drama Teacher: Yeah… it’s bad. So… let’s just… avoid the… controvisty… and, instead of singing “Greased Lightnin'”, we’ll say… [ thinking ] “Gene Rayburn.” He was the host of the “Match Game”, and if… if anything else looks dubious, just fill in… with… “Hubba-hubba!” Okay. Questions? [ no response ] No? Let — let — let’s put it all together and.. SELL IT!! Five!! Six, seven, eight.
All: [ singing ]“Go, Gene Rayburn, you’re runnin’ up the quarter mile!
Gene Rayburn! Go, Gene Rayburn!
Pistons, plugs, and shocks!
Flocks, flocks, flocks!
You know that I’m not braggin’
Have you ever seen a dragon?