SNL Transcripts: Christopher Walken: 04/05/08: Christopher Walken’s Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 33: Episode 8

07i: Christopher Walken / Panic at the Disco

Christopher Walken’s Monologue

…..Christopher Walken
Audience Member 1…..Jim Downey
Audience Member 2…..Paula Pell
Audience Member 3…..Bryan Tucker
Audience Member 4…..John Lutz

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Christopher Walken!

Christopher Walken: Thank you very much. Thank you. It’s good to be back on “Saturday Night Live”. Tonight… is my one-hundredth time hosting. [ the audience laughs ] Yes… my centennial. People… tell me it’s less than that, but I count reruns.

This time, I want to do something different. I’ve never taken questions from the audience… and I’ve always wanted to… and to make sure they’re good questions, I wrote them myself… and acted them out before the show, so… without… more ado… fist question. [ points ] You, sir.

Audience Member 1: So, just… read, read it off the card?

Christopher Walken: Yes. But… but read it… as if… you thought of it.

Audience Member 1: Okay. [ reading his card ] “Which do you prefer more: acting in film, or live performances?”

Christopher Walken: That’s a good one! Excellent question. I love movies, but, for me, nothing beats the flamboyance… the… the fulfullment of showing off in front of a living audience. [ looks around ] Next?

Audience Member 2: Hi!

Christopher Walken: Hi. Shoot.

Audience Member 2: [ reading her card ] What is your favorite color?

Christopher Walken: I have to be honest: that’s not a good question. I’m sayin’: Here we are… you have a chance to ask me something germaine, and… all you… come up with… is my favorite color? It’s not good.

[ Audience Member 2 is flabbergasted at this reaction ]

Christopher Walken: In any case… to answer your stinky question… my favorite color… is burnt… umber. I hope the next question is better. [ looks around ] Yes? [ points ] You?

Audience Member 3: Hi. [ reading his card ] “What do you like to do when you’re not on camera?”

Christopher Walken: [ shaking his head ] I’m not gonna answer that. Please… don’t come at me… with questions… about my intimate behavior. You know… I have a question for you: You should be ashamed of yourself! [ looks around ] You.

Audience Member 4: [ reading his card ] “Would you rather have the power of invisibility, or the power of flight?”

Christopher Walken: [ stone-faced for a moment ] This is a GOOD one! And it so happens I have the answer: I… would go with both. I’d be a GIGANTIC… invisible bird/ I’d spend all day flying at top speed… into sliding glass doors. People would hear a big THUMP… and they’d say: “Ohh!! A BIRD… must have hit the sliding… glass door!” Then, they would… run off and look, and… what?! No bird! [ he smiles, as the audience cheers ] Can you imagine their confused face!

[ Audience Member 4 stands in stoned silence ]

Christopher Walken: I’d be a ton of laughs… if I was a… GIGANTIC, invisible bird! And, uh… you were saying?

Audience Member 4: [ confused ] I’m — I’m sorry, what?

Christopher Walken: Flip the corner — flip the corner.

Audience Member 4: [ he flips the card over and reads: ] “Great answer, Mr. Walken.”

Christopher Walken: Thank you! [ he smiles ] You wouldn’t think they’d read off a card so tricky! You look at the words, you read them — that’s how it’s done. At the end of the day… I think the questions went… wonderfully well. I — I think the evening… is gonna go… just as good… if not, worse!

We have a terrific show. Panic at the Disco is here. Stick around… we’ll be right back.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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