Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 8
Christopher Walken’s Monologue
Audience Member 1…..Jim Downey
Audience Member 2…..Paula Pell
Audience Member 3…..Bryan Tucker
Audience Member 4…..John Lutz
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Christopher Walken!
Christopher Walken: Thank you very much. Thank you. It’s good to be back on “Saturday Night Live”. Tonight… is my one-hundredth time hosting. [ the audience laughs ] Yes… my centennial. People… tell me it’s less than that, but I count reruns.
This time, I want to do something different. I’ve never taken questions from the audience… and I’ve always wanted to… and to make sure they’re good questions, I wrote them myself… and acted them out before the show, so… without… more ado… fist question. [ points ] You, sir.
Audience Member 1: So, just… read, read it off the card?
Christopher Walken: Yes. But… but read it… as if… you thought of it.
Audience Member 1: Okay. [ reading his card ] “Which do you prefer more: acting in film, or live performances?”
Christopher Walken: That’s a good one! Excellent question. I love movies, but, for me, nothing beats the flamboyance… the… the fulfullment of showing off in front of a living audience. [ looks around ] Next?
Audience Member 2: Hi!
Christopher Walken: Hi. Shoot.
Audience Member 2: [ reading her card ] What is your favorite color?
Christopher Walken: I have to be honest: that’s not a good question. I’m sayin’: Here we are… you have a chance to ask me something germaine, and… all you… come up with… is my favorite color? It’s not good.
[ Audience Member 2 is flabbergasted at this reaction ]
Christopher Walken: In any case… to answer your stinky question… my favorite color… is burnt… umber. I hope the next question is better. [ looks around ] Yes? [ points ] You?
Audience Member 3: Hi. [ reading his card ] “What do you like to do when you’re not on camera?”
Christopher Walken: [ shaking his head ] I’m not gonna answer that. Please… don’t come at me… with questions… about my intimate behavior. You know… I have a question for you: You should be ashamed of yourself! [ looks around ] You.
Audience Member 4: [ reading his card ] “Would you rather have the power of invisibility, or the power of flight?”
Christopher Walken: [ stone-faced for a moment ] This is a GOOD one! And it so happens I have the answer: I… would go with both. I’d be a GIGANTIC… invisible bird/ I’d spend all day flying at top speed… into sliding glass doors. People would hear a big THUMP… and they’d say: “Ohh!! A BIRD… must have hit the sliding… glass door!” Then, they would… run off and look, and… what?! No bird! [ he smiles, as the audience cheers ] Can you imagine their confused face!
[ Audience Member 4 stands in stoned silence ]
Christopher Walken: I’d be a ton of laughs… if I was a… GIGANTIC, invisible bird! And, uh… you were saying?
Audience Member 4: [ confused ] I’m — I’m sorry, what?
Christopher Walken: Flip the corner — flip the corner.
Audience Member 4: [ he flips the card over and reads: ] “Great answer, Mr. Walken.”
Christopher Walken: Thank you! [ he smiles ] You wouldn’t think they’d read off a card so tricky! You look at the words, you read them — that’s how it’s done. At the end of the day… I think the questions went… wonderfully well. I — I think the evening… is gonna go… just as good… if not, worse!
We have a terrific show. Panic at the Disco is here. Stick around… we’ll be right back.