Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 8
07i: Christopher Walken / Panic at the Disco
[ open on exterior, office building, as office staffers can be heard singing “For He’s A Jolly Good Fellow” ] [ dissolve to interior, office going-away party, Nathan at the center of the room ]
Nathan: Thanks! Thank you, everybody, that’s really nice of you! I’m — I-I-I don’t know what to say, really, I mean — I’ve enjoyed working here, and I’m gonna miss all of you.[ the crowd “Awwww”s ]
Nathan: Now, please — have some cake! Dig in![ Nathan starts to make his way through the room, as Kathy steps closer to him. Eric can be seen lingering off to the side, waiting for a private moment with Nathan. ]
Kathy: Oh. Hey, Nathan, um —
Kathy: Uh — a few of us chipped in and got you a gift certificate to Starbucks. [ she hands him the card ]
Nathan: [ touched ] Ohhh, thanks, Kathy! That’s really nice of you.
Kathy: Well, we all know how much you love your Ethos Water!
Nathan: Yeah, well — [ he chuckles ]
Kathy: Best of luck!
Nathan: Thank you. Thank you.[ Kathy steps away, as Eric finally sidles forward ]
Eric: Hey, Nathan…
Nathan: [ not recognizing Eric ] Hey… man?
Nathan: Eric! Right, right! Yeah, I’m — I’m sorry. How — how you doin’?
Eric: [ with great sorrow ] Alright.
Eric: I’m down in the dumps, I can’t believe you’re leaving…
Nathan: Yeah, yeah —
Eric: It SUCKS!
Nathan: [ smiling politely ] Yeah, I know, I’m — I’m really gonna miss it here.
Eric: I feel like… we never got… to hang out.
Nathan: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, that — that stinks.
Eric: Yeah. We… bump into each other, in the bathroom and stuff… like, when you… you’d be washing your hands and I’d be… going Number One, and… when you’d… you’d be going Number One, and I’d be washing my hands, and… like, that one time when… Ron was going Number One, and… we were both washing our hands then. We were… out of towels, and you were like… “Geez! With… with as little as they pay us here, you’d think they’d be able to afford TOWELS!” [ he laughs maniacally ] Remember that?
Nathan: Uh, I — no, actually. No, I don’t.
Eric: It was hilarious! The point is… I’ll miss our talks.
Nathan: [ he really doesn’t know who this guy is ] Yeah. Yeah, me, too. uhhh — well, luckily, they’ve got those blowers in the bathroom, now —
Nathan: Yeah, so —
Eric: [ he laughs ] You are SO positive. You’re like a breath… of fresh air… or… a moist… towelette… at the end of a large… delicious plate of ribs.
Nathan: [ not sure how to respond ] Uhhh — thank you. Thank you.
Mark: Hey, Nathan, sorry to interrupt you two — [ shakes Nathan’s hand ]
Nathan: No, no, no, no — it’s alright.
Mark: I just wanted to say good luck.
Nathan: Yeah! Thank you, Mark, I appreciate it. Thank you.
Mark: I’ll let you guys get back to your little heart-to-heart, okay?
Nathan: [ shaking his head ] Oh, no! No, it’s not really like that, uh —[ as Mark walks away, Eric moves closer and thrusts a CD toward Nathan’s face ]
Eric: I made you a mix CD… It’s a compilation of all the different songs I’ve heard you… playing in your car when you… arrive at work.
Nathan: [ stunned ] Oh! Wow, Eric, that’s — that’s really nice of you. [ takes the CD ] You know, I — you know, I really just listen to the radio!
Eric: Me, too. I love the radio, it’s… so random! Gosh, dammit… we’re like the same guy, you and me.
Nathan: Yeah, well, uh — [ itching to get as far away as he can ] Thanks for the CD! [ starts to turn away ]
Eric: Yeah… I also made a portrait of you.
Nathan: [ more stunned ] Great…
Eric: [ he shrugs ] It’s just a doodle. I did it from memory, so… I don’t know… how accurate it is.[ Eric turns around and pulls out an oil portrait of Nathan’s exact lifeness ]
Nathan: [ floored ] Wow!! That’s — that’s — that’s — that’s really good.[ Maggie approaches from behind and places her hand on Nathan’s shoulder ]
Maggie: Hey, Nathan…
Nathan: [ eagerly ] Hi! Hi!
Maggie: Real quick.
Nathan: No, no!
Maggie: I don’t want to bother you two in the middle of your goodbyes.
Nathan: [ whispering ] I don’t know this guy, I —
Maggie: Awww! I just wanted to thank you for all the advice.
Nathan: Thank you.
Eric: [ peeking in ] Maggie… look at — look at what I made for Nathan. [ he holds up the oil portrait ]
Maggie: [ impressed ] Wow! That’s… that’s amazing! You two are so lucky! You know what? I don’t even want to interrupt.[ Maggie steps away ]
Nathan: [ desperately ] No! You’re not interrupting at all!
Eric: [ shoves the oil portrait into Nathan’s hands ] I hate this… I hate this. I have better… drawings of you, but I… figure the nude… would be tacky… for a going-away gift. Not to mention, sexual harrassment charges, like… pssh! The last thing I need, considering my… recent… sexual harrassment charge.
Nathan: No, that’s, uh — that’s a good instinct. I — I — well, I appreciate it, Eric. That’s very nice of you.
Eric: I’d give you a BIG hug —
Nathan: Well, no, I —[ Eric gives Nathan a big hug ]
Nathan: There you go! Quick one! There you go!
Eric: Dammit! These suits really hide your… firm… athletic… body. I mean… I knew it was in there… because of all the… working out you do, and all… the softball you play. [ sniffling ] Oh, boy! Here come the water works! [ he whips out a handkerchief ] A lot of stuff goin’ on in this big ol’ goofy heart of mine… [ he blows his nose ]
Eric: [ starts to sing: ] “I’ll be seeing you… in al the old, familiar places… that this heart of mine embraces all day through…[ Nathan chuckles nervously, as Eric suddenly leans toward him with his mouth open and tongue extended ]
Nathan: What are you doing..?![ Eric jabs his tongue into Nathan’s ear and frenches his lobes ]
Nathan: [ jumping ] HEY!! GET YOUR TONGUE OUT OF MY EAR!! [ he takes a giant step away from Eric ] THANK YOU, EVERYONE, FOR THEm UH — UH — THE NICE PARTY!! AH — I’M GONNA GO!! THANK YOU! I’M GONNA MISS YOU GUYS![ Eric waves goodbye as Nathan tosses the oil portrait into the trash can and exits the room ] [ Mark, Maggie, and Kathy step toward Eric ]
Kathy: You gonna be okay, Eric?
Eric: [ with a low moan ] I don’t know…[ “Make Someone Happy” pots up in the background ]
Eric: Part of me wants to let him go — yet… another part of me wants to chase him in the parking lot… run up behind him… and choke him to death. Then… make love to his corpse… for the rest of my life. Oh, Kathy… what’s wrong with me?
Kathy: I’ll tell you what’s wrong: you’re in love, Eric. [ Eric nods ] Go! Go to him! If you don’t, you’ll regret it for the rest of your life.
Eric: You’re right. [ he nods ] Yeah. [ he gives it some thought ] I’m gonna go choke him![ Mark, Maggie, and Kathy watch with tears in their eyes as Eric exits the room to chase after his beloved ] [ fade ]