Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 8
07i: Christopher Walken / Panic at the Disco
Guest 1….Amy Poehler
Guest 2….Bill Hader
Guest 3….Will Forte
[Opens with a nice house, cut to the living room. Aman talks to his friends, who sit on sofa. One of them is Sue.She is dressed with a large multicolor sweater.]
Grandpa: Thank you for coming on short notice. As youknow, my granddaughter is staying with us over thespring break and tomorrow is her birthday. So, I’mgoing to throw her a surprise party.
Sue: Oh, my Go-o-o-od!
Guest 1: What a great idea.
Sue: Oh, my Go-o-o-od!
Guest 2: She’ll be surprised.
Sue: Oh, my Go-o-o-o-d!
Guest 1: Sue, what’s wrong?
Grandpa: Sue likes surprise parties.
Sue: I really love surprise parties, I’m freakin’ excited!
Grandpa: I want to ask. Does anyone want to help?
Sue: Oh, yes![Raises her hand high]
Grandpa: Thank you. She’s going to be so happy.[Sue clenches her fists. Excited as hell]
Guest 1: Sue?
Sue: Yes, I’m sorry, I didn’t know this was gonna behappening today! I’m ecstatic to be a part of this!
Guest 2: It’s truly nice that you’re doing this for her.
Grandpa: I’d do anything for her. She’s my peach. Whatdo you think? Should I get balloons?
Guest 3: You know, I know of a party store I could picksome up on the way over tomorrow–
Sue:[overexcited] She’s gonna walk in here and thinkthat nobody’s here! I don’t know what’s she gonna dowhen she sees the balloons! And we’re hidden! And she’s surprised!
Guest 1: That’s how a surprise party works.
Sue: Oh, I know how they work!
Grandpa: That’s the idea. I thought I’d take her tothe park. Tell her we’re coming here for pizza. Now,you should all park far away so she doesn’t see thecars and get suspicious. Sue, what are writing?[Sue writes furiously on a notepad]
Sue: All of it! Everything that you’re saying!Everything that’s happening![Guest 2 takes the notepad from Sue and shows it.]
Guest 2: It’s scribbles. It’s nothing. You act like itsthe first time you’ve ever thrown a surprise party.
Grandpa: Leave her alone. Sue, I love that you’reexcited about this. I am too. I just show it differently.
Guest 1: Oh, my friend owns a bakery. I can swing bytonight and pick up a cake.
Sue: I’m sorry. I feel like I’m gonna pass out. Couldsomeone get me something to eat? Some solid food. I’m so freakin’–[Guest 2 gives her a bag of Ruffles chips]
Guest 2: Excited, excited…yes, we know.
Guest 3: I can’t wait to see her face tomorrow.
Sue: Oh, my Go-o-o-o-o-od! I forgot about her face!! That’s the best part!!
Grandpa: We still have a lot to cover. So let’s talk about–
Sue: Oh, boy. My hands are paralyzed![Can’t open thebag of chips, Guest 2 opens the bag for her]
Grandpa: I thought we could do—I can do somejuggling from back when I was an army clown. I stillhave the nose someplace.
Sue: CLOWN![crams chips in her mouth]
Guest 1: Sue, get a hold of yourself!
Sue: I’m sorry, but I didn’t know this was happening!
Guest 2: Why don’t you go outside and get some air?
Sue: I’m sorry, you know what would make me calm down?A practice surprise. We can all figure out where we’re gonna hide.
Grandpa: Good idea. I don’t want to screw this up. So,everybody hide somewhere.[The guests get up and hide behind the couch]
Grandpa: Ok, I bring her in. I say “Ok, Annie. We’re home.” And then you say—
All except Sue: Surprise!
Sue: SURPRIIIIIISE!!!!!!![Hands up high] gr-r-r-r-r-r-r-r!!!![whisper growl] happybirthday![covers her face, uncovers, unable to contain the excitement]
Guest 3: What is wrong with you?[Annie walks in]
Annie: Hey, grandpa. What’s going on?
Grandpa: Everything’s fine, darling.
Guest 1: Yeah, we’re just hanging out.
Guest 2: Uh-huh.
Guest 3: Just talking.[Sue has her collar over her mouth, bites it. Eyes open wide, ready to explode]
Annie: Hi, Sue.
Sue: I can’t tell you about something!
Guest 1: Oh, shut it, Sue!
Sue: There’s nothing. There’s something that I’m veryexcited that I can’t —is there a party?!, WHAT?! NO!Whose birthday?! What?! Tomorrow?! Nothing! What’shappening?! What time is it?! Park?! Pizza?! Hey, I’mgoing to a party tomorrow! Oh, God! Oh, God! Here itcomes, here it comes! Oh, God! Oh, God!
Grandpa: Sue, don’t! Please![Sue knocks herself out by smashing a light bulb on her head, she falls down.]
Annie: Grandpa, grandpa. What’s going on?
Grandpa: Well, to be honest, we’re talking abouthaving a party for you on your birthday.
Annie: Awww, grandpa. That’s really sweet but I don’tneed a party. But what I would like is for you to getme a Coach bag at the mall.
Guest 3: We could all pitch in on that.[Sue sprints up on her feet]
Sue: OH, THE MALL!![Sue jumps out of a glass window]
Grandpa: Anything. Anything for you, cupcake. We’ll get ice cream—[Sue jumps back in the living room through the busted window]
Sue: ICE CREAM!! THE MALL!![Sue jumps back out the window] [fade] [Cheers and applause]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel