SNL Transcripts: Ashton Kutcher: 04/12/08


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 33: Episode 10

This free script provided by]]>

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


April 12th, 2008

Ashton Kutcher

Gnarls Barkley


Demi Moore

Cameron Diaz

General Petraeus Report on IraqSummary: General David Petraeus (Will Forte) reports on proceedings in Iraq, then criticizes the books written by John McCain (Darrell Hammond) and Hillary Clinton (Amy Poehler) while praising the one written by Barack Obama (Fred Armisen).

Recurring Characters: John McCain, Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama.


Ashton Kutcher’s MonologueSummary: Having recently produced shows like “Punk’d” and “Beauty & The Geek”, Ashton Kutcher takes this new role seriously enough to wander backstage to make helpful suggestions to SNL’s staff.

First Hosted: 02r.

The Cougar DenSummary: Older gal pals Deidre Nicks (Amy Poehler), Jacqueline Seka (Kristen Wiig), and Toni Ward (Casey Wilson) comment about their college-aged boyfriends before introducing a fellow cougar, Kiki Deamore (Cameron Diaz), and the young stud (Ashton Kutcher) she keeps within her clutches.

Recurring Characters: Deidre Nicks, Toni Ward, Jacqueline Seka, Kenneth, Kiki Deamore.


Outside the NightclubSummary: Ashton Kutcher assumes his prominence as a celebrity will get him right into a hip new nightclub, but the bouncer (Kenan Thompson) forces him to wait outside with gawky Oliver (Fred Armisen) while allowing more questionable patrons immediate access.

Recurring Characters: Lyle Kane.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: A video performance of “Daiquiri Girl” by Clementine is supposedly substandard fare only because musical guest Gnarls Barkley backed out of participating in a Digital Short at the last minute.


Activia Commercial ShootSummary: During a commercial shoot for Activia Yogurt, Jamie Lee Curtis (Kristen Wiig) can’t get enough of the product, nor can she stop pooping in her pants because of it.


Gnarls Barkley performs “Run”Bio: members: Cee-Lo Green (Thomas Callaway), Danger Mouse (Brian Burton).

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Travel writer Judy Grimes (Kristen Wiig) counters her nervousness by constantly kidding around; political comedian Nicholas Fehn (Fred Armisen) is unable to finish his thoughts on current events.

Recurring Characters: Nicholas Fehn.

“Amie”Summary: While in a bar, the sounds of “Amie” on the jukebox spurns memories of unusual life-changing events for four buddies (Jason Sudeikis, Will Forte, Bill Hader, Ashton Kutcher).

Recurring Characters: Buddies.


Death By ChocolateSummary: A chocolate bar (Ashton Kutcher) stabs a homeless bum in the back.


The Mellow ShowSummary: Laid-back singer/songwriter Jack Johnson (Andy Samberg) welcomes fellow casuals Dave Matthews (Bill Hader) and John Mayer (Ashton Kutcher) to his talk show.

Recurring Characters: Jack Johnson, Dave Matthews, Boyd Tinsley, John Mayer.

Death By Chocolate IISummary: A chocolate bar (Ashton Kutcher) shoots a doctor (Jason Sudeikis), then plants the gun on a coma patient before pulling her plugs.


Gnarls Barkley performs “Who’s Gonna Save My Soul”

Dusty VelvetSummary: Paraplegic stripper Dusty Velvet (Casey Wilson) relies on assistance from the club emcee (Ashton Kutcher) to perform her erotic moves.


Death By Chocolate IIISummary: A chocolate bar (Ashton Kutcher) kills Andy Samberg with a chainsaw in his quick-change booth.




SNL Transcripts

How useful was this post?

Click on a star to rate it!

Average rating 0 / 5. Vote count: 0

No votes so far! Be the first to rate this post.

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x