Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 10
Jamie Lee Curtis….Kristen Wiig
Crystal Sprigg….Amy Poehler
Michael Garret….Ashton Kutcher
A.D. ….Bill Hader
[Opens on a TV studio floor. A stage resembling a nice living room]
Crystal Sprigg: Hi. How are you? Nice to see you. I’m Crystal Sprigg from Activia Yogurt.
Michael Garret: Oh, hi Crystal. I’m Michael Garret. I’m the director. I’m so excited to meet Jamie Lee Curtis. I’m such a fan of hers!
Crystal Sprigg: Yeah, she’s a delight. A real straight shooter. Did you see her on “Oprah”?
Michael Garret: Oh, yes, totally! Did you see her on the cover of AARP magazine? Oooh!
Crystal Sprigg: Yeah, she looked amazing. What an inspiration. It is so refreshing to see a 50 year old woman comfortable with her body.
Michael Garret: Yes, definitely.[Jamie Lee Curtis appears eating an Activia yogurt. She wears a blue jean shirt, has short haircut, gray hair]
Jamie Lee Curtis: Hi, guys! Mind if I take my shoes off?
Crystal Sprigg: Hey, Jamie Lee.
Michael Garret: Jamie Lee.
Jamie Lee Curtis: I got to tell you. I cannot stop eating this Activia yogurt!
Crystal Sprigg: That’s so awesome! That’s what we love to hear!
Jamie Lee Curtis: So, where do you want me?
Michael Garret: Ok, Jamie, let’s just jump on this couch. [Jamie Lee and Michael sit on the couch. Jamie Lee is barefoot on the couch] Ah, you know, make yourself comfortable. Because this is all about you being you.
Jamie Lee Curtis: Ok, do you want my top on or off?
Crystal Sprigg:[confused] You can keep your top on.
Michael Garret: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Its just a yogurt commercial, so we’re good.
Jamie Lee Curtis: ‘Cause when I was on the cover of AARP magazine they were like “are you sure you don’t mind putting on a bathing suit?” and I was like “hell, I’ll take my top off and I’ll take my bottoms off” and I did. And they said “good for you, Jamie Lee” and I said “damn right good for me! I’m getting older and I look good and proud of it!
Michael Garret: Ok, Jamie Lee. Should we….should we try one?
Jamie Lee Curtis:[eating yogurt] Absolutely, absolutely. I mean, if I was 21 and doing this commercial I would have been all about what I look like. Now I’m like, hell yeah! I’ll sit on this couch and eat this yogurt that makes you crap.
Michael Garret: Ok,ok. Here we go. Let’s roll camera.
Jamie Lee Curtis: Ok, I killed this one, guys. Can I get another Activia?
Michael Garret: Oh, yes. Absolutely, let’s make that happen.
Crystal Sprigg: We love your enthusiasm, Jamie Lee!
Jamie Lee Curtis: I love your product![She gets another yogurt]
Michael Garret: Great.
A.D.: Jamie Lee, Activia. Take one. [clack!]
Michael Garret: And, action![Gentle theme music plays. On the top bottom of the screen there is the Dannon logo. On the bottom the Activia logo. Jamie Lee sits casually on the couch, feet up, barefoot]
Jamie Lee Curtis: First, the bad news. 87% of women suffer from digestive issues like ocassional irregularity. Now the good news–[Jamie Lee freezes. Eyes wide open. Chin trembles. Left eye closes a bit]
Crystal Sprigg: You…, you ok Jamie Lee?
Jamie Lee Curtis: Yep, yep. I’m good. Just give me one second. Ok. I’m good. Are we still rolling?
Michael Garret: Yes, ma’am.
Jamie Lee Curtis: Now the good news. I just discovered Activia yogurt. And even better news it tastes—[Jamie Lee freezes again. She stares wide-eyed at the floor]
Michael Garret: Uh, ok, all right. That’s a cut.
Crystal Sprigg: Jamie Lee, are you ok?
Jamie Lee Curtis: Yes, hell yeah! In fact, I am great. And I’ll tell you something else, when I was 18, 19, 20 years old I would have been afraid to say this but not now. I just pooped in my pants.[Michael and Crystal are embarrased. Jamie Lee keeps gulping down the yogurt]
Michael Garret: Oh, no. Ummm…
Jamie Lee Curtis: No, no, no, no. I’m good, I’m good. And you know what else? I’m proud of it! I’ve eaten over 16 Activia yogurts today and I plan to eat at least 4 more. Pooped my pants as an older woman! Proud of it!
Crystal Sprigg: So, do you want to go to the dressing room?
Jamie Lee Curtis: Why, why would I do that? And make all these good people wait around? No way! When I was younger, a poop in my pants in a commercial shoot would have been embarrassing. But not now! I’m proud of it! Let’s go!
A.D.: Jamie Lee. Activia, take two.[clack!]
Michael Garret: Ok, uh, action!
Jamie Lee Curtis: First the bad news. 87% of women—I’m sorry, can we cut?
Michael Garret: Cut, cut!
Jamie Lee Curtis: You know what? I made mistake. I think I need to go to my trailer.
Michael Garret: Ok, all right, everybody. That’s it. Let’s take 10.
Jingle: Activia![Michael helps Jamie Lee stand up from the couch. She puts a hand on her butt and walks away from the set] [fade] [Cheers and applause]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel