SNL Transcripts: Ashton Kutcher: 04/12/08: “Amie”

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 33: Episode 10

07j: Ashton Kutcher / Gnarls Barkley


Jason…..Jason Sudeikis
Bill…..Bill Hader
Will…..Will Forte
Amie…..Ashton Kutcher

[ open on interior, barroom, as Jason, carrying bottles of beer, approaches table to rejoin Bill and Will ]

Jason: Anybody ready for another round?

Bill: Yeah!

Will: Yeah!

Amie: [ stepping up ] Hey, hey, hey, nice! You came through!

[ everyone happily grabs a bottle of beer ]

Amy: Gentlemen — for the next five songs, that jukebox is all ours!

[ the buddies clink their beer bottles together ]

Buddies: Alright! Whoo!

[ “Amie”, by the Pure Prairie League, begins to emanate from the jukebox ]

Jason: Perfect.

Bill: Great song.

Will: I love this!

Jason: Uh — uh — this is “Amie”, right? The song “Amie”?

Amie: Yeah, you noticed!

Will: I haven’t heard this osng in years.

Bill: It’s a classic!

Jason: Oh, man! You know, I just downloaded this last week! This song is the best! Hey, you know who this song reminds me of?

Amie: Amie.

Jason: No, no — Heather!

Bill: Hey, yeah — have things gotten better?

Jason: much better. I mean, you guys know we had that rough patch, what, like four months ago? Then, all of a sudden, things changed. You know? She’s so? laid-back now, and… she’s finally listening to me.

Will: [ smiles ] Well, that’s great.

Jason: Yeah! the SEX has been awesome! She doesn’t say no to anything any more! And, I gotta be honest — I actualy went out and looked at engagement rings last week.

Bill: [ impressed ] Man! You’re gonna ask her to marry you?

Jason: I think I will — right after she comes out of the coma.

Buddies: [ singing to the chorus ]“Amie, what you wanna do
I think I could stay with you
For a while, maybe longer if I do.”

Jason: [ gazing into his beer ] Man, oh man — I love being a doctor!

[ they all drink from their beers ]

Bill: You know you this song reminds me of/

Amie: Amie?

Bill: Nope — Connie Chung.

Jason: Mmm…

Bill: You guys know I have two fetishes — Asians, and broadcast journalists. So, in my mind, the name “Connie Chung” translates to “the perfect storm”.

Jason: [ clinking bottles with Amie ] Hurricane Connie!

Bill: Well, I’ve been writing her letters for years, then I finally got to meet her face-to-face. I’ll never forget it.

Jason: Oh, yeah? Wow! What’d she say?

Bill: It was great. She said, “You can keep the panties… just get the hell out of my shower before I call the cops!”

Jason: Yep!

Buddies: [ singing to the chorus ]“Amie, what you wanna do
I think I could stay with you
For a while, maybe longer if I do-oo-oo-oo!”

Bill: Great panties — they fit my face perfectly!

[ the buddies all smile ]

Will: Well… I’ll tell you who this song reminds me of.

Amie: Amie!

Bill: No — Courtney.

Buddies: Aw, come on!

Bill: Did you finally ask her out?

Will: I did. I remember this song was playing that night. and I finally worked up the nerve to talk to her, and she just stonewalled me. And I said, “What’s wrong?” and she said she could never go out with me. I asked why, and she said, “I found out you’re a pedophile.” And I was, like, “A pedophile? A pedophile?! That’s a pretty big word for a ten year-old!”

Buddies: [ singing to the chorus ]“Amie, what you wanna do
I think I could stay with you
For a while, maybe longer if I do-oo-oo-oo!”

Will: [ scowls ] That little tattletale! Her mom broke up with me!

[ some of the buddies sip their beers ]

Amie: I’ll tell you what this song reminds me of — that time I had that, uh, prostate scare. I had to get those estrogent treatments?

Bill: Mmm-hmm… yeah.

Amie: Yeah, the side effects were TERRIBLE! I had nausea, vomiting… I ballooned up to, like, 300 pounds!

Bill: Uh-huh… yeah.

Amie: I remember I was in the shower, washing myself with a loofah tied to the end of a stick?

Bill: Yeah.

Amie: That’s when I realized I had to make a change. I looked down, and I couldn’t even see my own vagina!

Jason: Oh, man…

Buddies: [ singing to the chorus ]“Amie, what you wanna do
I think I could stay with you
For a while, maybe longer if I — longer if I do-oo-oo-oo!”

Amie: Yeah… you guys know I’m a chick, right?

Buddies: Oh, yeah, yeah… of course… yeah, yeah…

Amie: And you’re aware my name is “Amie”?

Buddies: [ as the realization hits ] Ohhhhhh!!

That’s why I picked this song!

Jason: I just got it! Oh, man, it’s good to finally see you guys again!

Will: Yeah, good times!

Buddies: Good times! Good times!

[ they all clink their beer bottles together ]

Amie: Good song!

Buddies: I love that song… yeah…

Amie: [ as he puts his bottle down ] So… you guys ready to do this?

Jason: Yeah, let’s do it!

[ they all reach below the table to pull out costumed hats, which make them look like the Village People ] [ a disco ball lights up in the background, as “Y.M.C.A.” begins to blast from the jukebox and the four buddies dance to the music ] [ SUPER: “THE END” ] [ fade ]

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