SNL Transcripts: Ashton Kutcher: 04/12/08: “Amie”

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 33: Episode 10

07j: Ashton Kutcher / Gnarls Barkley


Jason…..Jason Sudeikis
Bill…..Bill Hader
Will…..Will Forte
Amie…..Ashton Kutcher

[ open on interior, barroom, as Jason, carrying bottles of beer, approaches table to rejoin Bill and Will ]

Jason: Anybody ready for another round?

Bill: Yeah!

Will: Yeah!

Amie: [ stepping up ] Hey, hey, hey, nice! You came through!

[ everyone happily grabs a bottle of beer ]

Amy: Gentlemen — for the next five songs, that jukebox is all ours!

[ the buddies clink their beer bottles together ]

Buddies: Alright! Whoo!

[ “Amie”, by the Pure Prairie League, begins to emanate from the jukebox ]

Jason: Perfect.

Bill: Great song.

Will: I love this!

Jason: Uh — uh — this is “Amie”, right? The song “Amie”?

Amie: Yeah, you noticed!

Will: I haven’t heard this osng in years.

Bill: It’s a classic!

Jason: Oh, man! You know, I just downloaded this last week! This song is the best! Hey, you know who this song reminds me of?

Amie: Amie.

Jason: No, no — Heather!

Bill: Hey, yeah — have things gotten better?

Jason: much better. I mean, you guys know we had that rough patch, what, like four months ago? Then, all of a sudden, things changed. You know? She’s so? laid-back now, and… she’s finally listening to me.

Will: [ smiles ] Well, that’s great.

Jason: Yeah! the SEX has been awesome! She doesn’t say no to anything any more! And, I gotta be honest — I actualy went out and looked at engagement rings last week.

Bill: [ impressed ] Man! You’re gonna ask her to marry you?

Jason: I think I will — right after she comes out of the coma.

Buddies: [ singing to the chorus ]
“Amie, what you wanna do
I think I could stay with you
For a while, maybe longer if I do.”

Jason: [ gazing into his beer ] Man, oh man — I love being a doctor!

[ they all drink from their beers ]

Bill: You know you this song reminds me of/

Amie: Amie?

Bill: Nope — Connie Chung.

Jason: Mmm…

Bill: You guys know I have two fetishes — Asians, and broadcast journalists. So, in my mind, the name “Connie Chung” translates to “the perfect storm”.

Jason: [ clinking bottles with Amie ] Hurricane Connie!

Bill: Well, I’ve been writing her letters for years, then I finally got to meet her face-to-face. I’ll never forget it.

Jason: Oh, yeah? Wow! What’d she say?

Bill: It was great. She said, “You can keep the panties… just get the hell out of my shower before I call the cops!”

Jason: Yep!

Buddies: [ singing to the chorus ]
“Amie, what you wanna do
I think I could stay with you
For a while, maybe longer if I do-oo-oo-oo!”

Bill: Great panties — they fit my face perfectly!

[ the buddies all smile ]

Will: Well… I’ll tell you who this song reminds me of.

Amie: Amie!

Bill: No — Courtney.

Buddies: Aw, come on!

Bill: Did you finally ask her out?

Will: I did. I remember this song was playing that night. and I finally worked up the nerve to talk to her, and she just stonewalled me. And I said, “What’s wrong?” and she said she could never go out with me. I asked why, and she said, “I found out you’re a pedophile.” And I was, like, “A pedophile? A pedophile?! That’s a pretty big word for a ten year-old!”

Buddies: [ singing to the chorus ]
“Amie, what you wanna do
I think I could stay with you
For a while, maybe longer if I do-oo-oo-oo!”

Will: [ scowls ] That little tattletale! Her mom broke up with me!

[ some of the buddies sip their beers ]

Amie: I’ll tell you what this song reminds me of — that time I had that, uh, prostate scare. I had to get those estrogent treatments?

Bill: Mmm-hmm… yeah.

Amie: Yeah, the side effects were TERRIBLE! I had nausea, vomiting… I ballooned up to, like, 300 pounds!

Bill: Uh-huh… yeah.

Amie: I remember I was in the shower, washing myself with a loofah tied to the end of a stick?

Bill: Yeah.

Amie: That’s when I realized I had to make a change. I looked down, and I couldn’t even see my own vagina!

Jason: Oh, man…

Buddies: [ singing to the chorus ]
“Amie, what you wanna do
I think I could stay with you
For a while, maybe longer if I — longer if I do-oo-oo-oo!”

Amie: Yeah… you guys know I’m a chick, right?

Buddies: Oh, yeah, yeah… of course… yeah, yeah…

Amie: And you’re aware my name is “Amie”?

Buddies: [ as the realization hits ] Ohhhhhh!!

That’s why I picked this song!

Jason: I just got it! Oh, man, it’s good to finally see you guys again!

Will: Yeah, good times!

Buddies: Good times! Good times!

[ they all clink their beer bottles together ]

Amie: Good song!

Buddies: I love that song… yeah…

Amie: [ as he puts his bottle down ] So… you guys ready to do this?

Jason: Yeah, let’s do it!

[ they all reach below the table to pull out costumed hats, which make them look like the Village People ]

[ a disco ball lights up in the background, as “Y.M.C.A.” begins to blast from the jukebox and the four buddies dance to the music ]


[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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