Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 10
07j: Ashton Kutcher / Gnarls Barkley
“Amie”
Jason…..Jason Sudeikis
Bill…..Bill Hader
Will…..Will Forte
Amie…..Ashton Kutcher
[ open on interior, barroom, as Jason, carrying bottles of beer, approaches table to rejoin Bill and Will ]
Jason: Anybody ready for another round?
Bill: Yeah!
Will: Yeah!
Amie: [ stepping up ] Hey, hey, hey, nice! You came through!
[ everyone happily grabs a bottle of beer ]
Amy: Gentlemen — for the next five songs, that jukebox is all ours!
[ the buddies clink their beer bottles together ]
Buddies: Alright! Whoo!
[ “Amie”, by the Pure Prairie League, begins to emanate from the jukebox ]
Jason: Perfect.
Bill: Great song.
Will: I love this!
Jason: Uh — uh — this is “Amie”, right? The song “Amie”?
Amie: Yeah, you noticed!
Will: I haven’t heard this osng in years.
Bill: It’s a classic!
Jason: Oh, man! You know, I just downloaded this last week! This song is the best! Hey, you know who this song reminds me of?
Amie: Amie.
Jason: No, no — Heather!
Bill: Hey, yeah — have things gotten better?
Jason: much better. I mean, you guys know we had that rough patch, what, like four months ago? Then, all of a sudden, things changed. You know? She’s so? laid-back now, and… she’s finally listening to me.
Will: [ smiles ] Well, that’s great.
Jason: Yeah! the SEX has been awesome! She doesn’t say no to anything any more! And, I gotta be honest — I actualy went out and looked at engagement rings last week.
Bill: [ impressed ] Man! You’re gonna ask her to marry you?
Jason: I think I will — right after she comes out of the coma.
Buddies: [ singing to the chorus ]
“Amie, what you wanna do
I think I could stay with you
For a while, maybe longer if I do.”
Jason: [ gazing into his beer ] Man, oh man — I love being a doctor!
[ they all drink from their beers ]
Bill: You know you this song reminds me of/
Amie: Amie?
Bill: Nope — Connie Chung.
Jason: Mmm…
Bill: You guys know I have two fetishes — Asians, and broadcast journalists. So, in my mind, the name “Connie Chung” translates to “the perfect storm”.
Jason: [ clinking bottles with Amie ] Hurricane Connie!
Bill: Well, I’ve been writing her letters for years, then I finally got to meet her face-to-face. I’ll never forget it.
Jason: Oh, yeah? Wow! What’d she say?
Bill: It was great. She said, “You can keep the panties… just get the hell out of my shower before I call the cops!”
Jason: Yep!
Buddies: [ singing to the chorus ]
“Amie, what you wanna do
I think I could stay with you
For a while, maybe longer if I do-oo-oo-oo!”
Bill: Great panties — they fit my face perfectly!
[ the buddies all smile ]
Will: Well… I’ll tell you who this song reminds me of.
Amie: Amie!
Bill: No — Courtney.
Buddies: Aw, come on!
Bill: Did you finally ask her out?
Will: I did. I remember this song was playing that night. and I finally worked up the nerve to talk to her, and she just stonewalled me. And I said, “What’s wrong?” and she said she could never go out with me. I asked why, and she said, “I found out you’re a pedophile.” And I was, like, “A pedophile? A pedophile?! That’s a pretty big word for a ten year-old!”
Buddies: [ singing to the chorus ]
“Amie, what you wanna do
I think I could stay with you
For a while, maybe longer if I do-oo-oo-oo!”
Will: [ scowls ] That little tattletale! Her mom broke up with me!
[ some of the buddies sip their beers ]
Amie: I’ll tell you what this song reminds me of — that time I had that, uh, prostate scare. I had to get those estrogent treatments?
Bill: Mmm-hmm… yeah.
Amie: Yeah, the side effects were TERRIBLE! I had nausea, vomiting… I ballooned up to, like, 300 pounds!
Bill: Uh-huh… yeah.
Amie: I remember I was in the shower, washing myself with a loofah tied to the end of a stick?
Bill: Yeah.
Amie: That’s when I realized I had to make a change. I looked down, and I couldn’t even see my own vagina!
Jason: Oh, man…
Buddies: [ singing to the chorus ]
“Amie, what you wanna do
I think I could stay with you
For a while, maybe longer if I — longer if I do-oo-oo-oo!”
Amie: Yeah… you guys know I’m a chick, right?
Buddies: Oh, yeah, yeah… of course… yeah, yeah…
Amie: And you’re aware my name is “Amie”?
Buddies: [ as the realization hits ] Ohhhhhh!!
That’s why I picked this song!
Jason: I just got it! Oh, man, it’s good to finally see you guys again!
Will: Yeah, good times!
Buddies: Good times! Good times!
[ they all clink their beer bottles together ]
Amie: Good song!
Buddies: I love that song… yeah…
Amie: [ as he puts his bottle down ] So… you guys ready to do this?
Jason: Yeah, let’s do it!
[ they all reach below the table to pull out costumed hats, which make them look like the Village People ]
[ a disco ball lights up in the background, as “Y.M.C.A.” begins to blast from the jukebox and the four buddies dance to the music ]
[ SUPER: “THE END” ]
[ fade ]
There’s another skit like amie where it turns out they’re at a funeral right???