SNL Transcripts: Ashton Kutcher: 04/12/08: The Cougar Den


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 33: Episode 10

07j: Ashton Kutcher / Gnarls Barkley

The Cougar Den

Deidre Nicks….Amy Poehler
Toni Ward….Casey Wilson
Jacqueline Seka….Kristen Wiig
Kenneth….Kenan Thompson
Kiki Deamore….Cameron Diaz
Jaden….Ashton Kutcher

[Cougar roars]

Caption: The Cougar Den.[Show’s logo is scratched] [TV studio with Cougar photos on the wall. Three over the age of 50 year old women dance with some difficulty to Santana’s hit song “Smooth”. They are all dressed in younger women’s clothes. The make-up looks too much on them.]

Announcer: It’s The Cougar Den with Deidre Nicks, Toni Ward And Jacqueline Seka.

All Three: Woo!, yeah!

[Music fades, they sit down on a couch]

Deidre: [deep voice] I love that song! Oh, wow! Hey there! Welcome to the Cougar Den. I’m Deidre and to my left is one of my best friends since I was 40, Jacqueline. And next to her is Toni. Toni, you look great.

Toni: [deep voice] I feel great.

Jacqueline: [deep voice] You look great too, Deidre.

[The threesome have deep voices]

Deidre: Really? I feel like my spray tan is too orangey.

Toni: No, its not a bad orangey.

Jacqueline: No, its orangey in a really great way.

Deidre: Oh, you guys are the best. So what did you do this weekend?

Jacqueline: I took my boyfriend Kobe to see “The Ruins” for his 22nd birthday.

Toni: I think we know what you did afterwards.

Jacqueline: Afterwards? Try during.

Deidre: You are one hot cougar, friend.

Jacqueline: Then later, I gave him a blow joy on my wicker fan chair.

Toni: Joy?

Jacqueline: Well, its certainly not a job.

Deidre: Ladies, Boniva break.

Toni: Oh, Boniva.

Jacqueline: [raises glass]To Sally Field.

Toni: [raises glass] And to strong bones

Deidre: Hear, hear.

[Deidre gives the pills to her cougar friends. They chase them down with some red liquor from their cocktail glasses]

Deidre: Oh, that’s tart.

Jacqueline: That’s very,very tart.

Toni: Why is this drink so tart?

Deidre: Kenneth, Kenneth? Why is this drink so tart?

[Kenneth is the show’s director. He’s an old black man wearing a headset mic, clipboard]

Kenneth: [angry] It’s a Tartini! Tartini’s are tart![turns his back]

Jacqueline and Toni: Thanks, Kenneth.

Deidre: Our first guest has written a book about the cougar lifestyle. Please welcome, Kiki Deamore.

Toni: Oh, Kiki.

[Kiki is a cougar with dirty blond hair, a big ass and wearing a feline tight-suit. Gloria Estefan’s “Rhythm is gonna get you” plays. The three cougar women dance with some difficulty and Kiki moves around provocatively]

Kiki: [Spanish accent] Well, chicas! Hola!

[Music fades. They all sit down]

Deidre: Oh, I’m tired. That wore me out, that wore me out. Kiki, you look great. Tell us about your new book.

Kiki: Its called “Pounce on it”.[holds book up] Its the older lady’s guide to bagging the younger mens.

Toni: That book is a gift.

Deidre: It is, it is. What made you write it?

Kiki: Well, I absolutely love…bagging…the younger mens.

Deidre: Absolutely. That’s why we’re cougars.

Kiki: I love to make them purrrrrr! But there are a lot of clueless ladies that don’t have the game. So I broke it down into 3 easy steps. OK. Step one: lighting. Ladies, stay away from the lights! Steer clear. Don’t even get into it!

Jacqueline: Don’t I know it.

Toni: Ladies, every light in my house has a silk scarf over it.

Kiki: Dos, a-two. Hit the bars at closing time. Or what I like to call “open season”.

Jacqueline: I met my current boyfriend at 1:50 a.m. at Bennigans. I drove him to his dorm and we’ve been together ever since.

Kiki: Someone has read the book! Ok! And last and this is muy importante. Be direct.

Deidre: You know, that’s what I do. I just walk up and say “Look, its not gonna be as gross as you think”.

Jacqueline: Keigel break!

Toni: Oh, Keigels.

[They all bounce lightly while sitting]

Toni: Kenneth, are you doing your Keigels?

Kenneth: [fed-up] Why? Why would I be doing Keigel exercises? You dusty old bags of stuff.

Deidre: So Kiki, I heard you brought your new boy biscuit.

Kiki: This is right! He was my tennis coach. And now, he is my little cougar cub.

Deidre: Bring him out. Please welcome, Jaden, everyone.

[Jaden is a twenty-something guy. He wears tennis shorts and shirt, bandanna. Kiki is all over him]

Kiki: Oh, Jaden![hugs him] He is so good! He is so good to me baby!

Deidre: Jaden, what is it like to date an older woman?

[Kiki hugs him fiercely. He pulls back a little]

Jaden: I love it.

Toni: We can see that.

Jacqueline: You guys can’t keep your hands off one another.

Deidre: So, what’s the attraction? The sex?

Jaden: Well, there’s so many reasons I prefer older women. Um, they usually have tricked out kitchens and sometimes they got those doughnut makers. Those are good. And, uh, the ex-husbands have been pretty cool so far, so.

Jacqueline: What else? Are they more satisfying sexually?

Jaden: Umm, let me see, umm, I also like how you can be all mean to them and they still buy you junk.[holds up a watch]

Deidre: Anything about how hot they are?

Jaden: Well, they’re kinda like your favorite pair of shoes.

Toni: Like a really sexy pair?

Jaden: No. Like a real comfortable worn-out pair.[to Kiki] What do you think, babe?

Kiki: Well, you guys have seen that he’s so cute! Isn’t he so cute? But beware! I’m marking my territory.[into Jaden’s ear] Let me hear you purr! Come on baby, purr! Come one, purr! Come on baby, purr! Purr!, purr!

Jaden: [not very convincing purrs] P-p-p-p-u-u-u-urr…

Deidre: Wow, that is good purring. Great purring. Cougar to cougar, you look great together. That’s all that matters, Kiki.

Jacqueline: Jaden and Kiki….

Toni: Together forever.

Jacqueline: Great.

Jaden: Actually, I don’t even think you guys are cougars.

Toni: I like that.

Jacqueline: Thank you.

Jaden: No, no, no. You’re more like….

Kenneth: Mountain goats?

[Silence and looks back and forth between Kenneth and the Cougar Den]

Deidre: Join us next year when we’re going to be doing our annual Barbara Hershey tribute.

Toni: Oh, I saw her down the street!

Jacqueline: How did she look?

Toni: Worried.

Jacqueline: Until next time we’ll be waiting for you on The Cougar Den.

[Santana’s “Smooth” plays. They get up and dance again with some difficulty.]

Caption: The Cougar Den.

[fade] [cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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