SNL Transcripts: Ashton Kutcher: 04/12/08: An SNL Digital Short


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 33: Episode 10

07j: Ashton Kutcher / Gnarls Barkley

An SNL Digital Short

Clementine….Andy Samberg

[Opens with a terrible early 80’s video production. A guy with a bad perm of curly red hair is sitting in his apartment playing a Casio synthesizer. He plays a sorry, lame electronic beat]

Daiquiri Girl
Songs to Funk To
Broadway Video Records

Clementine: [sings horribly] Daiquiri Girl, you’re my entire world…Daiquiri Groove, gonna make you move….

[All throughout the video Clementine and the Daiquiri girl with long curly red hair dance pathetically around the apartment holding Margarita glasses with red daiquiri in them, they toast. She occasionally blows kisses to the camera. Special effects are color faded split screens, weird angles and close-ups. Sometimes animated daiquiris appear, one in each corner of the screen]

Clementine: [sings] Daiquiri Girl, you’re made out of daiquiri, when I first met you you were not a daiquiri, then you went and had a scientific discovery….one part rum, two parts ice, three parts love, you are so nice…

[Caption words scroll up the screen]

Caption: We at Digital Shorts would like to apologize for this video. We pride ourselves on making quality work and recognize that this one’s just not up to par. In our defense we had a whole other video lined up with a famous musical act, but they bailed at the last minute. So we did what anyone would do in that situation. We got drunk.

Clementine: [sings] Daiquiri Girl, you are freaky, Daiquiri Dreams and I love you-u-u-u….

Caption: You know what though? Have you been watching this? It actually might be pretty good.

Clementine: [sings] I love you so much, drib, di, di, di, di, di, di-i–i-i-i-i, bleeop!

Caption: Nope. Still terrible.

Caption: But, you know what’s cool about working for SNL? The top brass here really “get it”. They don’t care if you fail, as long as you gave it your best effort. They certainly wouldn’t fire you for something that’s not your fault. Like if the stars of your video never showed up even though you had a verbal agreement, Gnarls Barkley. Once again, our deepest apologies. Please, enjoy the rest of “Daiquiri Girl”.

Clementine: [sings with arms up in the air] Daiquiri Girl, Daiquiri Girl, Daiquiri Girl, Daiquiri Girl, oh,oh,oh,oh, o-o-o-o-o-o-o-oh!

Daiquiri Girl
Songs to Funk To
Broadway Video Records

[fade] [Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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