SNL Transcripts: Ashton Kutcher: 04/12/08: Dusty Velvet


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 33: Episode 10

07j: Ashton Kutcher / Gnarls Barkley

Dusty Velvet

Jason…..Jason Sudeikis
Will…..Will Forte
Bruce…..Kenan Thompson
Andy…..Andy Samberg
Emcee…..Ashton Kutcher
Dusty Velvet…..Casey Wilson

[ open on exterior, Rusty Pony Exotic Lounge ] [ dissolve to interior, lounge, as a group of four men sit at tow tables closest to the stage ]

Jason: [ into his cell phone ] Yeah, yeah, honey — no, no — the meeting went GREAT! Yeah, we’re just, uh — we’re just grabbing a bite at TGIFriday’s. Yeah. Yeah. Then, straight to bed. Okay, good night. [ hangs up his cell phone, drops it on the table, then turns to his buddies ] Alright, let’s do it up!

[ the buddies get excited ]

Andy: Hey, Bruce, how did you find this place?

Bruce: That weird bellman outside the motel told me about it.

Andy: [ frowns ] That guy’s not a bellman — that’s a homeless dude.

Bruce: Well… no cover, though. Right, guys?

[ the buddies relunctantly agree with Bruce’s theory, as a Waitress approaches with a trayful of shots ]

Waitress: Four shots of Jaeger?

Buddies: [ grabbing their shots ] Alright… yeah… whoo-hoo-oo!!

[ they toast their shots, as the house lights go up and the Emcee takes the stage ]

Emcee: Alright, alright, alri-i-i-i-i-i-ighhhhht!! Welcome to the Rusty Pony, where it’s nothin’ but horseplay! I am your host, Donnie LaMorris, how’s everybody doin’ tonight, huh? [ looks at the buddies ] Gentlemen?

[ the buddies whoop and hollar with excitement ]

Emcee: That’s good, ‘cuz we’ve got such a SWEET piece of cabbage comin’ out here in just a sec — someone so sensational, so erotic, Strip Club magazine gave her four poles! Put your hands together for Miss… Dusty… Velvet!

[ the crowd cheers as the curtains reveal Dusty Velvet sitting at the back of the stage ]

Dusty Velvet: Thank you, thank you!

[ the Emcee stands behind Dusty ]

Dusty Velvet: Before I begin, I just want to thank Donnie for all his love and support these last few months. Y’all, the rumors are tru-u-ue — I was involved in a freak Tilt-a-Whirl accident, rendering me completely paralyzed from the neck down. But that will NOT paralyze my spirit.

[ cut to a close-up of the buddies at the table below, nonplussed by this announcement ]

Andy: What?

Bruce: Did she say “paralyzed”?

Dusty Velvet: I will not let that recent accident define me! I will continue to do what I do best, which is dance erotically. Now, Donnie’s gonna give me a hand up here, but, y’all, you won’t even notice him! Okay? [ she sticks out her tongue and moans for the Emcee to remove her gum; he obliges and throws it away ] Here we go!

[ Irene Cara’s “Flashdance… What A Feeling” begins to play ] [ the Emcee slowly lifts Dusty’s head, then proceeds to rotate it counter-clockwise as Dusty moans and spastically wags her tongue ]

Dusty Velvet: Sens-u-al!

[ the Emcee lifts Dusty’s arms one at a time, catching her gloved finger in her mouth ]

Dusty Velvet: Uh-oh!

[ the Emcee attempts to separate the glove from Dusty’s mouth, even pushing her head back to allow extra pull. When this fails, he quickly rolls her glove off her arm and lets it dangle from her mouth. ]

Dusty Velvet: Yeah! Yeah! Oh, yeah!

[ the Emcee grabs Dusty’s head in his hands and begins to thrust in back and forth ]

Dusty Velvet: Yeah! Here we go, now we’re gettin’ started!

[ Dusty’s dangling glove flies out of her mouth ] [ cut to the buddies at the table below, who are all horrified at this sight ] [ the Emcee lifts Dusty and drags her limp body across the stage in as erotic a manner as he can muster ]

Dusty Velvet: Oohh..! Ooh..! Whoa..! Whoa..! Ooh, you like this..! Uh-oh..!

[ the Emcee lurches Dusty forward and dangles her arms at a frantic pace ]

Dusty Velvet: Ohhh… ohhh… uh-oh..!

[ the Emcee Dusty back up, places each of her hands over each of her breasts, then proceeds to make her paw herself frantically ]

Dusty Velvet: This is sex-u-al and e-rot-ic! [ to the buddies ] Y’all want to be together..?

[ the Emcee bends Dusty to her side and makes her spank herself with a frantic motion ]

Dusty Velvet: Uh-oh..! Uh-oh..!

[ Dusty’s tongue begins to flicker spastically ] [ the Emcee holds her up straight ]

Dusty Velvet: I’m goin’ to the POLE, y’all! I’m goin’ to the pole!

[ the Emcee holds Dusty upright and twists her around the pole as her tongue flickers at it ]

Dusty Velvet: Ooh..! Uh-oh..! Uh-oh..!

[ the Emcee slides Dusty up and down along the pole, then sits her down upon the stage ]

Emcee: You ready, fellas? Here comes the good stuff.

Dusty Velvet: I’m gonna take it all off!

[ the Emcee tears the buttons off her workshirt, revealing part of her studded lingerie underneath ]

Dusty Velvet: Ohhh!

[ the buddies continue to be stunned at this sight ] [ onstage, the Emcee struggles to pull Dusty’s workshirt completely off ]

Emcee: Babe, what, did you gain some weight here, or something?

Dusty Velvet: Leave it! Just leave it! Leave it!

Emcee: Alright, alright, alright!!

Dusty Velvet: Keep it going!

[ the Emcee struggles to lift Dusty off the floor ]

Dusty Velvet: Here I co-o-ome, boys! Y’all want a little piece of Dusty?

[ the Emcee lifts dusty up and holds her out like a battering ram ] [ the buddies shake theirs head no as Dusty is brought towards them ] [ the Emcee shoves Dusty into Andy’s face, as he screams in horror at Dusty’s struggle to lick her tongue across his cheek ] [ the Emcee then drops Dusty into Bruce’s lap and begins to bounce her up and down for his lap dance; Bruce also screams in horror ]

Bruce: Don’t! Don’t! Don’t! Don’t!

[ finally, the Emcee stops bouncing Dusty on Bruce’s knee and just leaves her seated there as he returns to the stage ]

Emcee: Oh! That was a freakin’ workout! [ he catches his breath ] That was a smokin’ HOT babe! Dusty Velvet, everyone!

[ Andy cowers in fear as Dusty lays drooping across Bruce’s lap ]

Dusty Velvet: Hey! Hey, big fella! Could you raise up my arm and put my hand in a fist, honey?

[ Bruce balls her hand into a fist ]

Dusty Velvet: Yeah! Punch it up!

[ Bruce raises her arm in the air ]

Dusty Velvet: Dusty’s back! Whoo-hoo!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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