Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 11
A Message from the Next President of the United States
Hillary Clinton…..Amy Poehler
[ open on “Next President of the United States” seal ]
Announcer: The following is a message from the next president of the United States — Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton.[ dissolve to Clinton seated in a chair next to a lamp and endtable ]
Hillary Clinton: [ smiling ] Good evening, my fellow Americans. As we all know, this has already been a long, hard-fought campaign for the Democratic presidential nomination. But, tonight, with my recent victory in Indiana — [ quietly ] and Sen. Obama’s in North Carolina — we remain exactly where we were four months ago: hopelessly deadlocked! Therefore, this nomination is going to be decided — as it should be — by the superdelegates. Based, onot on primary results… or [ makes quotes-signs with fingers ] “caucuses”… or delegate counts… or popular vote. But on their sober assessment of which candidate will be the strongest against Sen. McCain in November. Tonight, I am here to tell you why I… am that candidate.
First: I am a sore loser. [ the words flash across the screen ] If, and when, I am the nominee, I know, as do the superdelegates, that Sen. Obama will work his heart out for my election. If, on the other hand, Sen. Obama is chosen, I will probably refuse to campaign for him! Or, if I do so, it will be in a resentful, half-hearted way, thus ensuring his defeat — so that I can run again in 2012. You see, unlike my opponent, I am just not going to lose gracefully. It’s not a criticism of Sen. Obama… it’s just a fact!
Second: my supporters are racist! [ the words flash across the screen ] If, and when, I am the nominee… Sen. Obama’s African-American supporters will be disappointed, perhaps, but they will still rally to me. If, however, Sen. Obama is the nominee, my supporters will refuse to vote for him. Partly because I will secretly tell them not to, but, mainly, because they are recially biased… and would NEVER vote for any African-American candidate. I’m not bragging, that’s just the way it is!
Now, to those of who that worry, if my opponent is denied the nomination, that African-Americans might simply stay home, I remind you: a. until Sen. Obama shockingly, and, might I add, rudlely and selfishly, won the Iowa caucuses, most African-Americans supported me; b. my husband was the first Black president; and, c. in the days ahead, we expect to receive the endorsement of America’s pre-eminent African-American leader, Rev. Jeremiah Wright. [ show file photo ]
Which brings me to my third and final argument: unlike Sen. Obama, I have no ethical standards. [ the words flash across the screen ] Even my critics would agree that once I get the nomination I will stop at nothing, absolutely nothing, to win. Whereas, with Sen. Obama, there are some things he simply will not do. Take, for example, the race card, which he has been relunctant to play. As in, “Anyone who doesn’t vote for me, is a racist.” I, on the other hand, will be happy to play the gender card… and claim that anyone who doesn’t vote for me, is a sexist! In fact, once Sen. Obama is out of the picture, I look forward to playing the race card myself! As in, “Anyone who doesn’t vote for me, is both a sexist and a racist!” Now, to those of you who say, “She’ll never do that, it doesn’t even make sense.” I answer, “If you believe that, then you don’t know me!”
So, there you have it: sore loser, racist supporters, no ethical standards. Qualities Sen. Obama simply cannot match! That’s not an attack on my opponent, it’s just the truth. When you consider that, the choice is obvious.
Thank you, and “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”