SNL Transcripts: Shia LaBeouf: 05/10/08: He Likes You

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 33: Episode 11

07k: Shia LaBeouf / My Morning Jacket

He Likes You

Written by: Andy Samberg & Akiva Schaffer

Stacey….Amy Poehler
Emily….Kristen Wiig
Waitress….Casey Wilson
Admirer 1….Andy Samberg
Admirer 2….Shia Labouf
Admirer 3….Fred Armisen
Admirer 4….Kenan Thompson
Admirer 5….Will Forte
Admirer 6….Bill Hader

[Opens with the outside of Abboccato’s restaurant. Cut to inside of it. Two attractive young women share a table.]

Stacey: Oh, I’m just so glad to be out of that meeting.

Emily: You know, I thought Gladys would never stop talking.

Stacey: Totally. Uh-oh[looking behind Emily]

Emily: What?

Stacey: Don’t look now but I think you have an admirer.

Emily: What? Where?

Stacey: Shh! Don’t look. I’ll tell you when its safe. Oh, yeah. He likes you. Ok, look now.

[Admirer 1 is a guy in a suit has a desperate frozen smile on his face]

Stacey: Someone’s got a crush.

Emily: Oh, my God! He’s looking at me.

Stacey: He’s cute, right?

Emily: Yeah.

[Again we look at Admirer 1, frozen, desperate smile across his face]

Stacey: I like his smile.

Emily: I like how he looks happy but also kind of scared.

Stacey: Totally. God, he’s so my type. You’re so lucky, Emily.

Emily: Oh, Stacey. Don’t look up.

Stacey: What?

Emily: The new guy scoping you out.

Stacey: Oh, my God. Where?

Emily: Oh, he is so hot and he’s staring straight at you. He’s at the same table. Don’t look until I tell you. Ok, look.

[Admirer 2 is a guy in a suit with a loose tie wearing a goofy looking frozen smile]

Emily: Looks like I’m not the only one who might have a love connection.

Stacey: Wow, he’s hot!

Emily: Oh, I know. He’s smokin’ hot.

Stacey: What is going on with all these hunks?

Emily: I know. Did we stumble on a hunk convention or what?

[A waitress brings some drinks]

Waitress: Excuse me, ladies. I have 2 glasses of champagne for you.

Stacey: Oh, we didn’t order this.

Emily: Oh, they are compliments of the gentlemen.

Emily: Oh, which one?

Waitress: Uh, all of them.

[A table has Admirer 3 wearing a cringing smile, Admirer 4 is a black guy with a tight lipped smile, Admirer 5 has a depressing smile and Admirer 6 has a horrible, frozen, open mouthed smile. Admirer 6 raises his glass slowly.]

Emily: Oh, my gosh! Its like an Abercrombie catalog in here.

Stacey: I know. Talk about free sample day at the butcher shop.

Waitress: Well, you ladies are very beautiful and very, very lucky.[emotional] Enjoy your drinks.

Stacey: Oh, that’s sweet. You heard her, fellow lucky girl. We got our pick of the litter. Who’s it going to be?

[Cut to Admirer 1, then to Admirer 2, then to table with Admirer 3, 4, 5 ,6.]

Emily: Oh, God. Its so hard, you know. I mean, they’re clearly beef cake supremes. I wonder what’s on their minds?

Stacey: I know, I wish we could just hear what they’re thinking right now.

Admirer 1: [hums in his mind] Doy da doy doy doy doy doy doy doy do doy do doy! Doy da doy doy doy doy doy doy doy!!!!

Admirer 2: [hums in his mind] Doy da doy doy doy doy doy doy doy doy doy do doy!

Admirer 1 and 2: [humming in their minds] Doy da,doy doy, doy doy doy doy doy doy doy doy doy! Doy da doy doy doy doy doy doy do do do doy!

Admirer 3, 4, 5, 6: [humming in their minds from the their table] Doy do do doy doy doy doy doy doy do do do doy doy! Doy do doy doy doy doy do do do doy!!!

Stacey: Why choose one when you can have ’em all?

Emily: You mean, an eight-way?

Stacey:[drinks] When it rains, it pours.

[Cheers and applause] [fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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