SNL Transcripts: Shia LaBeouf: 05/10/08: He Likes You


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 33: Episode 11

07k: Shia LaBeouf / My Morning Jacket

He Likes You

Written by: Andy Samberg & Akiva Schaffer

Stacey….Amy Poehler
Emily….Kristen Wiig
Waitress….Casey Wilson
Admirer 1….Andy Samberg
Admirer 2….Shia Labouf
Admirer 3….Fred Armisen
Admirer 4….Kenan Thompson
Admirer 5….Will Forte
Admirer 6….Bill Hader

[Opens with the outside of Abboccato’s restaurant. Cut to inside of it. Two attractive young women share a table.]

Stacey: Oh, I’m just so glad to be out of that meeting.

Emily: You know, I thought Gladys would never stop talking.

Stacey: Totally. Uh-oh[looking behind Emily]

Emily: What?

Stacey: Don’t look now but I think you have an admirer.

Emily: What? Where?

Stacey: Shh! Don’t look. I’ll tell you when its safe. Oh, yeah. He likes you. Ok, look now.

[Admirer 1 is a guy in a suit has a desperate frozen smile on his face]

Stacey: Someone’s got a crush.

Emily: Oh, my God! He’s looking at me.

Stacey: He’s cute, right?

Emily: Yeah.

[Again we look at Admirer 1, frozen, desperate smile across his face]

Stacey: I like his smile.

Emily: I like how he looks happy but also kind of scared.

Stacey: Totally. God, he’s so my type. You’re so lucky, Emily.

Emily: Oh, Stacey. Don’t look up.

Stacey: What?

Emily: The new guy scoping you out.

Stacey: Oh, my God. Where?

Emily: Oh, he is so hot and he’s staring straight at you. He’s at the same table. Don’t look until I tell you. Ok, look.

[Admirer 2 is a guy in a suit with a loose tie wearing a goofy looking frozen smile]

Emily: Looks like I’m not the only one who might have a love connection.

Stacey: Wow, he’s hot!

Emily: Oh, I know. He’s smokin’ hot.

Stacey: What is going on with all these hunks?

Emily: I know. Did we stumble on a hunk convention or what?

[A waitress brings some drinks]

Waitress: Excuse me, ladies. I have 2 glasses of champagne for you.

Stacey: Oh, we didn’t order this.

Emily: Oh, they are compliments of the gentlemen.

Emily: Oh, which one?

Waitress: Uh, all of them.

[A table has Admirer 3 wearing a cringing smile, Admirer 4 is a black guy with a tight lipped smile, Admirer 5 has a depressing smile and Admirer 6 has a horrible, frozen, open mouthed smile. Admirer 6 raises his glass slowly.]

Emily: Oh, my gosh! Its like an Abercrombie catalog in here.

Stacey: I know. Talk about free sample day at the butcher shop.

Waitress: Well, you ladies are very beautiful and very, very lucky.[emotional] Enjoy your drinks.

Stacey: Oh, that’s sweet. You heard her, fellow lucky girl. We got our pick of the litter. Who’s it going to be?

[Cut to Admirer 1, then to Admirer 2, then to table with Admirer 3, 4, 5 ,6.]

Emily: Oh, God. Its so hard, you know. I mean, they’re clearly beef cake supremes. I wonder what’s on their minds?

Stacey: I know, I wish we could just hear what they’re thinking right now.

Admirer 1: [hums in his mind] Doy da doy doy doy doy doy doy doy do doy do doy! Doy da doy doy doy doy doy doy doy!!!!

Admirer 2: [hums in his mind] Doy da doy doy doy doy doy doy doy doy doy do doy!

Admirer 1 and 2: [humming in their minds] Doy da,doy doy, doy doy doy doy doy doy doy doy doy! Doy da doy doy doy doy doy doy do do do doy!

Admirer 3, 4, 5, 6: [humming in their minds from the their table] Doy do do doy doy doy doy doy doy do do do doy doy! Doy do doy doy doy doy do do do doy!!!

Stacey: Why choose one when you can have ’em all?

Emily: You mean, an eight-way?

Stacey:[drinks] When it rains, it pours.

[Cheers and applause] [fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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