Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 11
He Likes You
Written by: Andy Samberg & Akiva Schaffer
Admirer 1….Andy Samberg
Admirer 2….Shia Labouf
Admirer 3….Fred Armisen
Admirer 4….Kenan Thompson
Admirer 5….Will Forte
Admirer 6….Bill Hader
[Opens with the outside of Abboccato’s restaurant. Cut to inside of it. Two attractive young women share a table.]
Stacey: Oh, I’m just so glad to be out of that meeting.
Emily: You know, I thought Gladys would never stop talking.
Stacey: Totally. Uh-oh[looking behind Emily]
Stacey: Don’t look now but I think you have an admirer.
Emily: What? Where?
Stacey: Shh! Don’t look. I’ll tell you when its safe. Oh, yeah. He likes you. Ok, look now.[Admirer 1 is a guy in a suit has a desperate frozen smile on his face]
Stacey: Someone’s got a crush.
Emily: Oh, my God! He’s looking at me.
Stacey: He’s cute, right?
Emily: Yeah.[Again we look at Admirer 1, frozen, desperate smile across his face]
Stacey: I like his smile.
Emily: I like how he looks happy but also kind of scared.
Stacey: Totally. God, he’s so my type. You’re so lucky, Emily.
Emily: Oh, Stacey. Don’t look up.
Emily: The new guy scoping you out.
Stacey: Oh, my God. Where?
Emily: Oh, he is so hot and he’s staring straight at you. He’s at the same table. Don’t look until I tell you. Ok, look.[Admirer 2 is a guy in a suit with a loose tie wearing a goofy looking frozen smile]
Emily: Looks like I’m not the only one who might have a love connection.
Stacey: Wow, he’s hot!
Emily: Oh, I know. He’s smokin’ hot.
Stacey: What is going on with all these hunks?
Emily: I know. Did we stumble on a hunk convention or what?[A waitress brings some drinks]
Waitress: Excuse me, ladies. I have 2 glasses of champagne for you.
Stacey: Oh, we didn’t order this.
Emily: Oh, they are compliments of the gentlemen.
Emily: Oh, which one?
Waitress: Uh, all of them.[A table has Admirer 3 wearing a cringing smile, Admirer 4 is a black guy with a tight lipped smile, Admirer 5 has a depressing smile and Admirer 6 has a horrible, frozen, open mouthed smile. Admirer 6 raises his glass slowly.]
Emily: Oh, my gosh! Its like an Abercrombie catalog in here.
Stacey: I know. Talk about free sample day at the butcher shop.
Waitress: Well, you ladies are very beautiful and very, very lucky.[emotional] Enjoy your drinks.
Stacey: Oh, that’s sweet. You heard her, fellow lucky girl. We got our pick of the litter. Who’s it going to be?[Cut to Admirer 1, then to Admirer 2, then to table with Admirer 3, 4, 5 ,6.]
Emily: Oh, God. Its so hard, you know. I mean, they’re clearly beef cake supremes. I wonder what’s on their minds?
Stacey: I know, I wish we could just hear what they’re thinking right now.
Admirer 1: [hums in his mind] Doy da doy doy doy doy doy doy doy do doy do doy! Doy da doy doy doy doy doy doy doy!!!!
Admirer 2: [hums in his mind] Doy da doy doy doy doy doy doy doy doy doy do doy!
Admirer 1 and 2: [humming in their minds] Doy da,doy doy, doy doy doy doy doy doy doy doy doy! Doy da doy doy doy doy doy doy do do do doy!
Admirer 3, 4, 5, 6: [humming in their minds from the their table] Doy do do doy doy doy doy doy doy do do do doy doy! Doy do doy doy doy doy do do do doy!!!
Stacey: Why choose one when you can have ’em all?
Emily: You mean, an eight-way?
Stacey:[drinks] When it rains, it pours.[Cheers and applause] [fade]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel