SNL Transcripts: Shia LaBeouf: 05/10/08: MacGruber



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 11



07k: Shia LaBeouf / My Morning Jacket

MacGruber

MacGruber…..Will Forte
Vicky…..Kristen Wiig
Merrill…..Shia LaBeouf

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

Singers:
MacGruber!
Making life-saving inventions out of household materials!
MacGruber!
He’s working with his son now, and they’ve never been closer!
MacGruber!
It’s like they never were estranged!

[CUT to MacGruber and his son, Merrill, performing punching pose against footage of flames.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[CUT to a chemical warfare silo. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Chemical Warfare Silo.” CUT to a sign marked “Silo Control Room” as sirens wail.]

Merrill: [struggling with locked door] Dad! I mean… MacGruber! The silo door is welded shut!

Vicky: That’s not our only problem, Macgruber — by the looks of that pipe bomb, this place is gonna blow in twenty seconds!

MacGruber: Well, one person’s problem is another person’s “No problem at all.” Well, calm down, because we will get out of here.

Vicky: [ looking at her watch ] FIFTEEN seconds, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Okay! Vicky! [ pointing ] Hand me that battery!

Vicky: Coming right up, Macgruber!

MacGruber: Merrill! That bottle cap!

Merrill: You got it, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Vicky! That rubber band!

Vicky: Coming right up, Macgruber!

MacGruber: Okay, now has anybody see any oil, or grease, or any petroleum-based substance?

[ Merrill stares silently, mouth agape ]

Vicky: TEN SECONDS!!

MacGruber: Come on, dig deep — we need this NOW!!

Merrill: [ reluctantly digs in his pocket, pulls out small tube ] Here you go, MacGruber! [ tosses it over ]

MacGruber: Nice job, son! [ examines the tube and frowns ] Anal lubricant?

[ Merrill lowers his head in shame ]

Vicky: [ checking her watch ] SEVEN seconds, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Okay, right, right! Uhh — [ distracted, turns to face Merrill ] So, you just kinda have this?

Merrill: I’ve been doing some experimenting.

MacGruber: So, who’s the lucky girl?

Merrill: [ a beat ] Scott.

[ MacGruber stares in shock ] [ Vicky grimaces ] [ MacGruber continues to stare in shock ] [CUT to the silo exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[FADE to black over applause.]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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