SNL Transcripts: Shia LaBeouf: 05/10/08: MacGruber

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 11

07k: Shia LaBeouf / My Morning Jacket

MacGruber

MacGruber…..Will Forte
Vicky…..Kristen Wiig
Merrill…..Shia LaBeouf

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

Singers:
MacGruber!
Making life-saving inventions out of household materials!
MacGruber!
He’s working with his son now, and they’ve never been closer!
MacGruber!
It’s like they never were estranged!

[CUT to MacGruber and his son, Merrill, performing punching pose against footage of flames.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[CUT to a chemical warfare silo. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Chemical Warfare Silo.” CUT to a sign marked “Silo Control Room” as sirens wail.]

Merrill: [struggling with locked door] Dad! I mean… MacGruber! The silo door is welded shut!

Vicky: That’s not our only problem, Macgruber — by the looks of that pipe bomb, this place is gonna blow in twenty seconds!

MacGruber: Well, one person’s problem is another person’s “No problem at all.” Well, calm down, because we will get out of here.

Vicky: [ looking at her watch ] FIFTEEN seconds, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Okay! Vicky! [ pointing ] Hand me that battery!

Vicky: Coming right up, Macgruber!

MacGruber: Merrill! That bottle cap!

Merrill: You got it, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Vicky! That rubber band!

Vicky: Coming right up, Macgruber!

MacGruber: Okay, now has anybody see any oil, or grease, or any petroleum-based substance?

[ Merrill stares silently, mouth agape ]

Vicky: TEN SECONDS!!

MacGruber: Come on, dig deep — we need this NOW!!

Merrill: [ reluctantly digs in his pocket, pulls out small tube ] Here you go, MacGruber! [ tosses it over ]

MacGruber: Nice job, son! [ examines the tube and frowns ] Anal lubricant?

[ Merrill lowers his head in shame ]

Vicky: [ checking her watch ] SEVEN seconds, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Okay, right, right! Uhh — [ distracted, turns to face Merrill ] So, you just kinda have this?

Merrill: I’ve been doing some experimenting.

MacGruber: So, who’s the lucky girl?

Merrill: [ a beat ] Scott.

[ MacGruber stares in shock ] [ Vicky grimaces ] [ MacGruber continues to stare in shock ] [CUT to the silo exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[FADE to black over applause.]

SNL Transcripts