SNL Transcripts: Shia LaBeouf: 05/10/08: MacGruber II


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 33: Episode 11

07k: Shia LaBeouf / My Morning Jacket

MacGruber II

MacGruber…..Will Forte
Vicky…..Kristen Wiig
Merrill…..Shia LaBeouf

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

He sent Merrill to a camp, where they turned him back to normal!
Merrill harbors no bad feelings, ’cause he knows he did a bad thing!
He’s batting for the right team now!

[CUT to Merrill staring at a long-haired dude’s ass, as MacGruber steps forwrd and they pose against footage of flames.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[CUT to a rebel training camp tower. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Rebel Training Camp.” CUT to a sign marked “Rebel Training Camp Control Room” as sirens wail.]

Vicky: [struggling with locked door] The door won’t budge, MacGruber! And, by the looks of this chemical bomb, we’ve got exactly TWENTY seconds!

MacGruber: Okay, calm down! If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the last two months, it’s that you can do — [ glances at Merrill ] or undoanything, if you set your mind to it!

Merrill: [ muttering to himself ] Freakin’ dick..

MacGruber: [ defensive ] What’s that, Merrill?

Vicky: [ looking at her watch ] FIFTEEN seconds!

MacGruber: Okay! Vicky! [ pointing ] Hand me that thumbtack!

Vicky: You got it, Macgruber!

MacGruber: Merrill! Leviticus 18:22!

Merrill: “Thou shal not lie with mankind, as with womankind.”

MacGruber: Vicky! Hand me that shoelace!

Vicky: On the way, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Merrill! What’s your favorite thing about a woman?

Merrill: [ half-heartedly ] The vagina, MacGruber…

MacGruber: Don’t forget the breasts. Vicky! Hand me that copper filament!

Merrill: [sighs] Screw this.

MacGruber: Look, where do you think you’re going?

Merrill: Well, you’re not letting me do anything anyways, MacGruber.

MacGruber: [grabbing at Merrill’s bag] Hold on there, mister!

[ Merrill’s bag falls to the floor, as something begins to rattle along the floor ] [ Vicky turns away at the sight, as Merrill whistles nonchalantly ] [ MacGruber watches as a pixellated dildo rotating counter-clockwise around the floor ] [ MacGruber holds a look of shock on his face ] [CUT to the training camp exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[FADE to black over applause.]

SNL Transcripts

How useful was this post?

Click on a star to rate it!

Average rating 0 / 5. Vote count: 0

No votes so far! Be the first to rate this post.

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x