SNL Transcripts: Shia LaBeouf: 05/10/08: MacGruber II



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 11




07k: Shia LaBeouf / My Morning Jacket

MacGruber II

MacGruber…..Will Forte
Vicky…..Kristen Wiig
Merrill…..Shia LaBeouf

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

Singers:
MacGruber!
He sent Merrill to a camp, where they turned him back to normal!
MacGruber!
Merrill harbors no bad feelings, ’cause he knows he did a bad thing!
MacGruber!
He’s batting for the right team now!

[CUT to Merrill staring at a long-haired dude’s ass, as MacGruber steps forwrd and they pose against footage of flames.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[CUT to a rebel training camp tower. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Rebel Training Camp.” CUT to a sign marked “Rebel Training Camp Control Room” as sirens wail.]

Vicky: [struggling with locked door] The door won’t budge, MacGruber! And, by the looks of this chemical bomb, we’ve got exactly TWENTY seconds!

MacGruber: Okay, calm down! If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the last two months, it’s that you can do — [ glances at Merrill ] or undoanything, if you set your mind to it!

Merrill: [ muttering to himself ] Freakin’ dick..

MacGruber: [ defensive ] What’s that, Merrill?

Vicky: [ looking at her watch ] FIFTEEN seconds!

MacGruber: Okay! Vicky! [ pointing ] Hand me that thumbtack!

Vicky: You got it, Macgruber!

MacGruber: Merrill! Leviticus 18:22!

Merrill: “Thou shal not lie with mankind, as with womankind.”

MacGruber: Vicky! Hand me that shoelace!

Vicky: On the way, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Merrill! What’s your favorite thing about a woman?

Merrill: [ half-heartedly ] The vagina, MacGruber…

MacGruber: Don’t forget the breasts. Vicky! Hand me that copper filament!

Merrill: [sighs] Screw this.

MacGruber: Look, where do you think you’re going?

Merrill: Well, you’re not letting me do anything anyways, MacGruber.

MacGruber: [grabbing at Merrill’s bag] Hold on there, mister!

[ Merrill’s bag falls to the floor, as something begins to rattle along the floor ] [ Vicky turns away at the sight, as Merrill whistles nonchalantly ] [ MacGruber watches as a pixellated dildo rotating counter-clockwise around the floor ] [ MacGruber holds a look of shock on his face ] [CUT to the training camp exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[FADE to black over applause.]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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