Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 11
The dildo in Merrill’s backpack was a gadget for his buddy!
He’s totally hetero, and gets all kinds of poontang!
Thank God my son won’t burn in Hell!
Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!![CUT to angel dust production lab at night. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Angel Dust Production Lab.” CUT to a sign marked “A.D.P.L. Control Room” as sirens wail.]
Merrill: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber! The door’s padlocked from the outside!
Vicky: There’s more, Macgruber — this C4 explosive is set to blow in twenty seconds!
MacGruber: Calm down, we are gonna be ju — [ looks across the room ] What is he doing here?[ Scott enters the scene ]
Merrill: You guys remember Scott, right?
MacGruber: Yeah… I do.
Merrill: Dad, Scott is merely a platonic friend. [ Scott rubs his finger over Merrill’s clothes ] Scott, stop tickling me!
MacGruber: Do we really need Scott here?
Merrill: Relax, okay? [ nudges Vicky’s breast ] Vicky and I are still very much an item.
MacGruber: [ unconvinced ] Really?
Merrill: In fact, I’m having a really hard time concentrating right now… because all I keep thinking about is her chest… and her fanny… and her… womb.
MacGruber: [ smiles sarcastically ] Oh. That sounds very convincing.
Merrill: What do I have to do to prove it to you — kiss her?
MacGruber: Yeah! I do want to see you kiss her!
Merrill: Fine. [ turns to Scott ] Scott, you be Vicky for a second —
MacGruber: No, no, no, no!! Let’s let Vicky be Vicky.[ Scott shrugs ]
Merrill: Fine. [ to Vicky ] Come here, you. [ Vicky pats her hair expectantly ] This going to be really romantic.[ Merrill closes his lips onto Vicky’s, then spews vomit on her face at the moment of impact ] [CUT to the production lab exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]
Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!![FADE to black over applause.]