SNL Transcripts: Shia LaBeouf: 05/10/08: MacGruber III


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 33: Episode 11

07k: Shia LaBeouf / My Morning Jacket

MacGruber III

MacGruber…..Will Forte
Vicky…..Kristen Wiig
Merrill…..Shia LaBeouf
Scott…..Andy Samberg

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

The dildo in Merrill’s backpack was a gadget for his buddy!
He’s totally hetero, and gets all kinds of poontang!
Thank God my son won’t burn in Hell!

[CUT to MacGruber and his son, Merrill, standing against footage of flames.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[CUT to angel dust production lab at night. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Angel Dust Production Lab.” CUT to a sign marked “A.D.P.L. Control Room” as sirens wail.]

Merrill: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber! The door’s padlocked from the outside!

Vicky: There’s more, Macgruber — this C4 explosive is set to blow in twenty seconds!

MacGruber: Calm down, we are gonna be ju — [ looks across the room ] What is he doing here?

[ Scott enters the scene ]

Merrill: You guys remember Scott, right?

MacGruber: Yeah… I do.

Merrill: Dad, Scott is merely a platonic friend. [ Scott rubs his finger over Merrill’s clothes ] Scott, stop tickling me!

MacGruber: Do we really need Scott here?

Merrill: Relax, okay? [ nudges Vicky’s breast ] Vicky and I are still very much an item.

MacGruber: [ unconvinced ] Really?

Merrill: In fact, I’m having a really hard time concentrating right now… because all I keep thinking about is her chest… and her fanny… and her… womb.

MacGruber: [ smiles sarcastically ] Oh. That sounds very convincing.

Merrill: What do I have to do to prove it to you — kiss her?

MacGruber: Yeah! I do want to see you kiss her!

Merrill: Fine. [ turns to Scott ] Scott, you be Vicky for a second —

MacGruber: No, no, no, no!! Let’s let Vicky be Vicky.

[ Scott shrugs ]

Merrill: Fine. [ to Vicky ] Come here, you. [ Vicky pats her hair expectantly ] This going to be really romantic.

[ Merrill closes his lips onto Vicky’s, then spews vomit on her face at the moment of impact ] [CUT to the production lab exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[FADE to black over applause.]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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