SNL Transcripts: Shia LaBeouf: 05/10/08: MacGruber III

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 33: Episode 11

07k: Shia LaBeouf / My Morning Jacket

MacGruber III

MacGruber…..Will Forte
Vicky…..Kristen Wiig
Merrill…..Shia LaBeouf
Scott…..Andy Samberg

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

The dildo in Merrill’s backpack was a gadget for his buddy!
He’s totally hetero, and gets all kinds of poontang!
Thank God my son won’t burn in Hell!

[CUT to MacGruber and his son, Merrill, standing against footage of flames.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[CUT to angel dust production lab at night. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Angel Dust Production Lab.” CUT to a sign marked “A.D.P.L. Control Room” as sirens wail.]

Merrill: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber! The door’s padlocked from the outside!

Vicky: There’s more, Macgruber — this C4 explosive is set to blow in twenty seconds!

MacGruber: Calm down, we are gonna be ju — [ looks across the room ] What is he doing here?

[ Scott enters the scene ]

Merrill: You guys remember Scott, right?

MacGruber: Yeah… I do.

Merrill: Dad, Scott is merely a platonic friend. [ Scott rubs his finger over Merrill’s clothes ] Scott, stop tickling me!

MacGruber: Do we really need Scott here?

Merrill: Relax, okay? [ nudges Vicky’s breast ] Vicky and I are still very much an item.

MacGruber: [ unconvinced ] Really?

Merrill: In fact, I’m having a really hard time concentrating right now… because all I keep thinking about is her chest… and her fanny… and her… womb.

MacGruber: [ smiles sarcastically ] Oh. That sounds very convincing.

Merrill: What do I have to do to prove it to you — kiss her?

MacGruber: Yeah! I do want to see you kiss her!

Merrill: Fine. [ turns to Scott ] Scott, you be Vicky for a second —

MacGruber: No, no, no, no!! Let’s let Vicky be Vicky.

[ Scott shrugs ]

Merrill: Fine. [ to Vicky ] Come here, you. [ Vicky pats her hair expectantly ] This going to be really romantic.

[ Merrill closes his lips onto Vicky’s, then spews vomit on her face at the moment of impact ] [CUT to the production lab exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[FADE to black over applause.]

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