Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 11
It’s A Match
Pam Sumpter…..Amy Poehler
Steven Nielsen Perry…..Fred Armisen
Sarah Annette Boob…..Casey Wilson
Nancy Nan George…..Kristen Wiig
Chipsey Boday…..Kenan Thompson
Dirk Densten…..Shia LeBeouf
[ open on bouncy “Match Game” style music and graphics ]
Announcer: Get ready to match the staaaaars![ show Pam Sumpter (a Brett Somers spoof) inside graphics ]
…Pam Sumpter![ show Steven Nielsen Perry (a Paul Lynde/Charles Nelson Reilly spoof) playing with his ascot inside graphics ]
…Steven Nielsen Perry!
…Sarah Annette Boob![ show Nancy Nan George (a Marcia Wallace spoof) choking on mouth spray inside graphics ]
…Nancy Nan George![ show Chipsey Boday a Nipsey Russell spoof) patting his afro inside graphics ]
…Chipsey Boday![ show Dirk Densten (a Doug Henning spoof) magically making a bouquet of flowers appear inside graphics ]
…and, Master of Illusion, Dirk Densten![ show title graphics over set ]
…as we play the star-studded, big-money game: It’s A Match!
And now, here’s your host: Guy Lang!
Announcer: And now, here’s your host: Guy Lang![ no emcee appears, but a woman’s voice can be heard backstage as the celebrity panelists grimace ]
Woman’s Voice: Oh, nooooo!! Oh, my God! Aaaggggghhhhh!!![ a trenchcoat detective with an early 1970’s Gene Rayburn-style haircut enters the set from the emcee door ]
Detective: Sorry to interrupt the show. Detective Rob Perkins, from the Burbank Police Department. It appears that Guy Lang has been murdered in his dressing room.[ Sarah Annette gasps, as Pat and Steven chuckle amongst themselves ]
Dirk Densten: Oh, my word! Life is full of surprises! [ he grabs three magic rings and makes an unsuccessful attempt to link them together ] Thank you…
Detective: Sir, please — Guy Lang is DEAD!
Pat Sumnter: Not as dead as Steven’s pool party last night! [ she sips her booze while laughing, then holds up two cards with horns drawn up to her ears ]
Steven Neilsen Perry: [ shaking with nervous laughter through clenched teeth ] The only thing dead ay MY party was the salisbury stea-ea-ea-eakkk!
Detective: All kidding aside, a man’s been murdered here. I’m afraid I can’t let any of you go until you’ve answered a couple of questions. What were each of you doing at 2:30 this afternoon?[ the celebrity panelists stare blankly at the detective ] [ suddenly, the “Think” music pots up, and the celebrity panelists quickly scribble their responses onto the blue cards ]
Detective: [ he shrugs at this reaction ] Uh… Pam?
Pat Sumnter: I do it everyday at 2:30, whether I’m with someone or not. It’s “Making Whoopie”![ bell dings ]
Steven Nielsen Perry: I also said “Making Whoopee” with my very desirable wi-i-i-i-ife![ bell dings ]
Sarah Annette Boob: I was eating pound cake, and crying on my waterbed!
Nancy Nan George: I said “Making Whoopie in the Kitchen”, Rob — but, like everything I make in the kitchen, I ruined it. [ she tosses her card away ] [ bell dings ]
Chipsey Boday: “Makin’ Whoopie” is what I wanted to write / Because that’s what I was doin’ all night. But my wife’s out of town / And I knew she would frown / So I wrote: “Getting My Hair Done.”[ buzzer sounds ]
Dirk Densten: I seem to have lost my cards. Would you mind checking your inside coat pocket?
Detective: [ he relunctantly checks inaside his coat and pulls out Doug’s card ] Okay, “Making Whoopie”. Alright. [ Doug waves ] Very good. Alright. I need to remind everyoe that this is a murder investigation. I need answers! Where was the last place you saw Mr. Lang?[ the celebrity panelists stare blankly at the detective once again ] [ suddenly, the “Think” music pots up, and the celebrity panelists again quickly scribble their responses onto the blue cards ]
Detective: [ he shrugs again ] Pam.
Pam Sumpter: I said “In Steven’s Bedroom”.
Steven Nielsen Perry: [ laughing nervously ] Hey-ey-ey-ey!
Detective: Nancy Nan?
Nancy Nan George: I thought I saw him at a whore house, but then I realzied it was “Steven’s Boudior”.[ bell dings ]
Steven Nielsen Perry: [ laughing nervously ] Excuse me! I’m ha-appily ma-a-arrie-ied!
Detective: Sarah Annette?
Sarah Annette Boob: The same place I auditioned for this show! “Steven’s Bedroom”![ bell dings ]
Steven Nielsen Perry: [ laughing nervously ] I ho-ope my wife’s not wa-a-atching-g-g!!
Chipsey Boday: “Steven’s Bedroom”! Over one million served![ bell dings ]
Steven Nielsen Perry: [ laughing nervously ] I have chi-i-i-ldre-en!!
Steven Nielsen Perry: [ a beat ] “In My Bedroom”![ bell dings ]
Steven Nielsen Perry: I have a secret li-i-ife!
Chipsey Boday: Oh, it’s no secret!
Fellow Panelists: Chipsey!! Chipsey!! [ they ball up their blue cards and throw them at him while laughing ]
Detective: Hey! Hey! I know you’re all a bunch of rum-soaked, oversexed, washouts. Okay?
Nancy Nan George: Thank you for noticing![ bell dings ] [ a bodybag is wheeled forward ]
Detective: Your long-time host has been brutally murdered! Don’t you get it? He’s inside this bodybag! [ looks at the panel ] Hey! Where’d the little magic guy go?[ Dirk Densten pops out from under the bodybag ]
Dirk Densten: I’ve been in here, through the power… of MAGIC!![ the panelists applaud his trick ]
Detective: Okay. [ chuckles ] I gotta give it to you — that was a pretty neat trick.
Dirk Densten: Uh, it wasn’t. It’s pretty gross. There’s actually a dead body in here.
Steven Nielsen Perry: [ laughing nervously ] How dead is he-e-e-e?!
Panelists: Steven!![ end music pots up ] [ title card ] [ fade ]