SNL Transcripts: Shia LaBeouf: 05/10/08: It’s A Match


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 33: Episode 11

07k: Shia LaBeouf / My Morning Jacket

It’s A Match

Pam Sumpter…..Amy Poehler
Steven Nielsen Perry…..Fred Armisen
Sarah Annette Boob…..Casey Wilson
Nancy Nan George…..Kristen Wiig
Chipsey Boday…..Kenan Thompson
Dirk Densten…..Shia LeBeouf
Detective…..Bill Hader

[ open on bouncy “Match Game” style music and graphics ]

Announcer: Get ready to match the staaaaars!

[ show Pam Sumpter (a Brett Somers spoof) inside graphics ]

…Pam Sumpter!

[ show Steven Nielsen Perry (a Paul Lynde/Charles Nelson Reilly spoof) playing with his ascot inside graphics ]

…Steven Nielsen Perry!

[ show Sarah Annette Boob (a Debralee Scott spoof) covering her eye playfully inside graphics ]

…Sarah Annette Boob!

[ show Nancy Nan George (a Marcia Wallace spoof) choking on mouth spray inside graphics ]

…Nancy Nan George!

[ show Chipsey Boday a Nipsey Russell spoof) patting his afro inside graphics ]

…Chipsey Boday!

[ show Dirk Densten (a Doug Henning spoof) magically making a bouquet of flowers appear inside graphics ]

…and, Master of Illusion, Dirk Densten!

[ show title graphics over set ]

…as we play the star-studded, big-money game: It’s A Match!

And now, here’s your host: Guy Lang!

[ the set door rises, but no emcee appears ]

Announcer: And now, here’s your host: Guy Lang!

[ no emcee appears, but a woman’s voice can be heard backstage as the celebrity panelists grimace ]

Woman’s Voice: Oh, nooooo!! Oh, my God! Aaaggggghhhhh!!!

[ a trenchcoat detective with an early 1970’s Gene Rayburn-style haircut enters the set from the emcee door ]

Detective: Sorry to interrupt the show. Detective Rob Perkins, from the Burbank Police Department. It appears that Guy Lang has been murdered in his dressing room.

[ Sarah Annette gasps, as Pat and Steven chuckle amongst themselves ]

Dirk Densten: Oh, my word! Life is full of surprises! [ he grabs three magic rings and makes an unsuccessful attempt to link them together ] Thank you

Detective: Sir, please — Guy Lang is DEAD!

Pat Sumnter: Not as dead as Steven’s pool party last night! [ she sips her booze while laughing, then holds up two cards with horns drawn up to her ears ]

Steven Neilsen Perry: [ shaking with nervous laughter through clenched teeth ] The only thing dead ay MY party was the salisbury stea-ea-ea-eakkk!

[ Pat claps her hands and smacks Steven across the back ]

Detective: All kidding aside, a man’s been murdered here. I’m afraid I can’t let any of you go until you’ve answered a couple of questions. What were each of you doing at 2:30 this afternoon?

[ the celebrity panelists stare blankly at the detective ] [ suddenly, the “Think” music pots up, and the celebrity panelists quickly scribble their responses onto the blue cards ]

Detective: [ he shrugs at this reaction ] Uh… Pam?

Pat Sumnter: I do it everyday at 2:30, whether I’m with someone or not. It’s “Making Whoopie”!

[ bell dings ]

Steven Nielsen Perry: I also said “Making Whoopee” with my very desirable wi-i-i-i-ife!

[ bell dings ]

Sarah Annette Boob: I was eating pound cake, and crying on my waterbed!

[ buzzer sounds ]

Nancy Nan George: I said “Making Whoopie in the Kitchen”, Rob — but, like everything I make in the kitchen, I ruined it. [ she tosses her card away ] [ bell dings ]

Chipsey Boday: “Makin’ Whoopie” is what I wanted to write / Because that’s what I was doin’ all night. But my wife’s out of town / And I knew she would frown / So I wrote: “Getting My Hair Done.”

[ buzzer sounds ]

Dirk Densten: I seem to have lost my cards. Would you mind checking your inside coat pocket?

Detective: [ he relunctantly checks inaside his coat and pulls out Doug’s card ] Okay, “Making Whoopie”. Alright. [ Doug waves ] Very good. Alright. I need to remind everyoe that this is a murder investigation. I need answers! Where was the last place you saw Mr. Lang?

[ the celebrity panelists stare blankly at the detective once again ] [ suddenly, the “Think” music pots up, and the celebrity panelists again quickly scribble their responses onto the blue cards ]

Detective: [ he shrugs again ] Pam.

Pam Sumpter: I said “In Steven’s Bedroom”.

[ bell dings ]

Steven Nielsen Perry: [ laughing nervously ] Hey-ey-ey-ey!

Detective: Nancy Nan?

Nancy Nan George: I thought I saw him at a whore house, but then I realzied it was “Steven’s Boudior”.

[ bell dings ]

Steven Nielsen Perry: [ laughing nervously ] Excuse me! I’m ha-appily ma-a-arrie-ied!

Detective: Sarah Annette?

Sarah Annette Boob: The same place I auditioned for this show! “Steven’s Bedroom”!

[ bell dings ]

Steven Nielsen Perry: [ laughing nervously ] I ho-ope my wife’s not wa-a-atching-g-g!!

Detective: Chipsey.

Chipsey Boday: “Steven’s Bedroom”! Over one million served!

[ bell dings ]

Steven Nielsen Perry: [ laughing nervously ] I have chi-i-i-ldre-en!!

Detective: Steven.

Steven Nielsen Perry: [ a beat ] “In My Bedroom”!

[ bell dings ]

Steven Nielsen Perry: I have a secret li-i-ife!

Chipsey Boday: Oh, it’s no secret!

Fellow Panelists: Chipsey!! Chipsey!! [ they ball up their blue cards and throw them at him while laughing ]

Detective: Hey! Hey! I know you’re all a bunch of rum-soaked, oversexed, washouts. Okay?

Nancy Nan George: Thank you for noticing!

[ bell dings ] [ a bodybag is wheeled forward ]

Detective: Your long-time host has been brutally murdered! Don’t you get it? He’s inside this bodybag! [ looks at the panel ] Hey! Where’d the little magic guy go?

[ Dirk Densten pops out from under the bodybag ]

Dirk Densten: I’ve been in here, through the power… of MAGIC!!

[ the panelists applaud his trick ]

Detective: Okay. [ chuckles ] I gotta give it to you — that was a pretty neat trick.

Dirk Densten: Uh, it wasn’t. It’s pretty gross. There’s actually a dead body in here.

Steven Nielsen Perry: [ laughing nervously ] How dead is he-e-e-e?!

Panelists: Steven!!

[ end music pots up ] [ title card ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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