Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 11
Shia LaBeouf’s Monologue
Man in Audience…..Jason Sudeikis
Sean Connery…..Darrell Hammond
Short Round…..Amy Poehler
Major Toht…..Will Forte
Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Shia LaBeouf!
(cheers and applause)
Shia LaBeouf: Okay! Thank you! Thank you very much! It’s really awesome to be back here hosting Saturday Night Live again. As some of you might know, I’m lucky enough to have a role in the new “Indiana Jones” movie, which is absolutely a dream come true. [ audience cheers ] It’s called “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.” Now, there have been a lot of rumors on the Internet about the plot, but I am sworn to secrecy. All I can tell you is that it stars Harrison Ford as a white male between the ages of 10 and 100, and that’s it. So, I can take questions, but nothing else about the movie, okay?
Man in Audience: [ raises hand ] Hey, how’s the movie end?
Shia LaBeouf: I obviously can’t tell you that.
Man in Audience: Okay, okay, all right. What if I guessed the ending? Would you tell me if I’m right?
Shia LaBeouf: Yeah, sure. I mean, George Lucas and Steven Spielberg have been working on this ending for 15 years, but go ahead. Guess away.
Man in Audience: Okay. Well, I have no idea who they are, but let me give it a shot. Okay, I think you’re actually the son of Indiana Jones.
Shia LaBeouf: Uh-huh.
Man in Audience: Yeah, and you’ve got a cryptic tattoo on your back that reveals the location of the crystal skull, but it turns out “crystal skull” is actually an anagram for “All our sky cults,” which refers to an ancient secret society living in a magical cloud city.
Shia LaBeouf: [ nervous ] Um…we’re going to stop playing this game now, okay? We’re wasting everyone’s time. Ah, we’re going to leave it a secret. The ending’s a secret. We’ll leave it at that.
Sean Connery: [ enters ] Well, well, well. I got a question for ya. [ audience cheers ] I got a question for ya, LaBeouf.
Shia LaBeouf: Mm?
Sean Connery: Why did they send a boy to do a man’s job?
Shia LaBeouf: Unfortunately, Mr. Connery won’t be joining us in the latest Indiana Jones adventure.
Sean Connery: Ah, well, not until you and your elk apologize.
Shia LaBeouf: Mr. Connery, I’ve already told you a million times; I had nothing to do with your face being left off “The Last Crusade” lunch box, okay? I was four years old when that happened.
Sean Connery: Well, you understand my chagrin. It’s just about the only box my face hasn’t been on! Hahahahahaha! [ audience cheers ] Pow!
Shia LaBeouf: Okay. So, yeah, there’s no Sean Connery. But I think everyone else is back.
Short Round: [ enters ] Dr. Jones! Dr. Jones! Dr. Jones! They…they forgot me too! Why didn’t you cast Shorty?
Shia LaBeouf: Yeah, well, I don’t think it makes a whole lot of sense for your character to be in this movie, Shorty.
Short Round: So what? I got range! I could play soldier. [ marches] I could play monster. [ does a scary pose ] I could even play Indiana Jones! You throw me idol; I throw you whip!
Shia LaBeouf: …Right! So Shorty’s not in the movie, but otherwise, we’ve got all your favorites.
Major Toht: [ enters with melted face ] I guess I didn’t make ze cut.
Shia LaBeouf: Oh my God! Oh my God, you’re that Nazi whose face melted when you looked at the Covenant.
Major Toht: Ah, vhat gave me avay? [ hold up scarred hand ]
Shia LaBeouf: Well, what are you up to now?
Major Toht: Vell, still acting. Although zese days, it’s mostly voiceovers.
Shia LaBeouf: I’m sorry about that. [ looks at others ] I’m sorry none of you are in the new movie. But look, we should all be excited. We’re all part of the Indiana Jones legacy. Right? [ gestures to Toht ] I mean, you’re in the first one. [ gestures to Shorty ] You’re in the second. [ gestures to Sean ] You’re in the third. I’m in the one where Indiana Jones dies- [ looks panicked ] Oh my God…
Short Round: Wow, you screwed that up, lady!
Sean Connery: Yeah, you messed that up worse than this guy’s face! [ jerks thumb at Toht ] Hahahahahaha!
Short Round: Hahahahaha!
Sean Connery: Pow!
Shia LaBeouf: Okay! Listen, that doesn’t leave this room, alright? We have a great show — My Morning Jacket is here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!
[ Short Round does a high-kick in the air ]
Submitted by: Laura Fanjoy