Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 11
Boy 1….Shia Lebeouf
Boy 2….Andy Samberg
Boy 3….Bill Hader
[Opens with a shot of a police station. Three young kids are sitting in front of a police officer]
Officer: Ok, now seeing that this is a first offense I’m going to let you boys off with a warning. But if I ever catch you shoplifting again from the Game Stop, you’re going to be back here for a little sleepover in a prison cell. You got it?
3 Boys: Yes, officer.
Officer: Well, you might think that this is one big joke but its not. So that’s why I invited a representative from the Scared Straight program to come talk to you kids. He’s an inmate over at Larchmont Maximum Security Prison. He’s here to warn you about the dangers of criminal lifestyle. McIntosh!, you want to come in here![A black inmate in a brown prison uniform with a black glove and do rag enters the room. He shakes hands with the officer]
McIntosh: What’s up, chief?[He stands in front of the kids] All right. Ok, party’s over! Now on your FEET![the kids get up] Now sit DOWN![they sit down]I said on your FEET![they get up again] Wh–Sit your ass DOWN![they sit down]. My name is Lorenzo McIntosh. My friends call me Mack Attack but guess what? That don’t matter cause you ain’t my FRIENDS! Now let me see what you in for. Let me take a look.[picks up the police file]
Officer: No, no, no.[takes the police file from McIntosh] You’re not allowed to look at that.[McIntosh holds his palms up]
McIntosh: Oh, ok, my bad. Rules are rules. I get it.
Officer: Yeah, we caught these smart alecks shoplifting at the mall.
McIntosh: Stealing, huh? Oh, I’ve been down that road. You name it–I stole it. Cookies, hats, newspapers, baby food, hats, newspapers, hats. Yeah, it starts with stealing but let me tell you where it ends. Murder!
Boy 1: We weren’t gonna murder anyone.
McIntosh: Hey boy! Close your damn MOUTH! You know what I’ve been through?! You see this?[points to a not so believable scar on his cheek]Take a good look! Cause this is REAL!
Boy 2: Did you draw that on with a sharpie?[McIntosh is outraged like a bastard. Grabs kid 2 by the shoulders]
McIntosh: HEY! Boy, you keep on that attitude and you’re gonna end up in PRISON! And the only thing they gonna draw on your face is an arrow pointed at your mouth and a sign that says, deposit HERE!
Officer: Hey, no, no, no. You can’t get that graphic with the kids. Ok?[McIntosh backs off, palms up]
McIntosh: Oh, hey, I’ll play the game, chief. You just gotta tell me the rules. Now, what they steal?[Officer gives McIntosh a videogame]
Officer: Right here. Grand Theft Auto.
McIntosh: Grand theft Auto. What you think that’s fun? Um? Stealing cars?
Officer: No, they didn’t actually steal a car…
McIntosh: Let me tell you something. I’ve been there. I stole a car. I stole two cars. Pretty soon I had to steal 50 cars in one night otherwise the Russians were gonna shoot my brother dead in the street! Is that what you want?! A dead brother cause this here is REAL!!
Boy 3: Isn’t that the plot of “Gone in 60 Seconds”?[McIntosh gives the videogame to the Officer. He punches his fist into his hands, walks up and down mad as hell]
McIntosh: Whooo! Whooo! Oh, man![gets right in kid’s 3 face] You gonna be in a cemetery in about 60 seconds BOY! And don’t think that being dead will save you from the other stuff. I know plenty of dudes that will do it with a dead guy!
Officer: Hey, no, no, no McIntosh. Take it easy, just take it easy, all right?[McIntosh backs off, palms up]
McIntosh: Hey, I’ll take it easy, chief. I’ll put it right on cruise control. You just have to tell me when the exits coming, all right? [gets close on boy 1] You got some friends Tom Sawyer? Huh? Um, you’re Mr. Popular? Mr. Popular?
Boy 1: So what?
McIntosh: So what?
Boy 1: I got friends.
McIntosh: What? You think I didn’t have friends? I had a great bunch of friends. And then one day our dads couldn’t pay the bills and the bank was going to take our homes so we had to search for a private treasure in an underground cave, all right! Pretty soon we were dealing with a Baby-Ruth-eating sloth and a whole mess of booby traps from one-eyed Willie! All right! Is that what you want?! Man, my Korean friend Dada almost died! Cause this here is REAL!
Boy 2: Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s the plot of “Goonies”.[McIntosh sees red. He gets close to boy 2]
McIntosh: I got a plot for you, JUNIOR! You smart off I’m gonna pull your face out your BUTT! Roll the credits!
Officer: No, no, no, no McIntosh. You cannot threaten the kids.[McIntosh backs off, palms up]
McIntosh: Oh, hey man. I will drive this train whatever you want to, chief. You just gotta laid out the tracks, all right. Who’s the ringleader?[Boy 2 and 3 point to Boy 1. McIntosh stands him up roughly]Well, well, well, you the boss, huh? Big boss man, huh? Yeah, I used to be the big boss too. And then Bam! Bullet right to the head. And guess what? Two of my employees show up and they got to prop my body up and make it look like I’m still alive. Yeah, yeah, yeah, they want to enjoy a weekend at my summer house! Is that what you want?! Guys dragging your dead body around to beach parties? Cause this here is REAL!
Boy 3: Ok, that’s definitely “Weekend at Bernie’s”.[McIntosh is furious. Gets very close to boy 3, puts his fist up to his face]
McIntosh: Hey! Boy, I said close your damn MOUTH! The only Bernie you gonna meet is my cellmate Bernie! And he’s gonna spend his weekend hosting a beach party IN YOUR ASS!!
Officer: Ok, come on.[McIntosh backs off. Palms up]
McIntosh: What? Was that too far?
McIntosh: Yeah, that was way too far.
Officer: Yeah, we got to let this kids go.
McIntosh: Yeah, I got to go somewhere too. Just remember, you wanna steal? They gonna steal your life! You wanna smoke weed? Somebody’s gonna smoke YOU! You wanna gangbang? You gonna get gangbanged a whole bunch of times! Sometimes 10, 20 guys in a row, rotating through you like a carousel! There ain’t gonna be no grease! There ain’t gonna be NO GREASE!
Officer: McIntosh![McIntosh backs off]
McIntosh: All right, I’m out.[walks away, points to the kids as he goes] There ain’t gonna be no grease.
Officer: They get it.[Boy 3 begins clapping. Boy 1 and 2 look at him, he stops clapping]
Boy 3: Sorry.
Officer: So, you kids learned your lesson?[The trio nod their heads no]
Officer: Yeah, I feel that.[Car engine revs, tires screech]
Boy 1: Wait a minute. Is he driving himself to prison?
Officer:[looks out the window] Oh, no, no, no, no. He’s just stealing my car. That’s all it is.[fade] [cheers and applause]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel