SNL Transcripts: Shia LaBeouf: 05/10/08: The Suze Orman Show


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 33: Episode 11

07k: Shia LaBeouf / My Morning Jacket

The Suze Orman Show

Suze Orman…..Kristen Wiig
Josiah from Miami…..Shia LeBeouf

Announcer: It’s “The Suze Orman Show”.

Suze Orman: Welcome back, my friends. Now… before we get started… I need to answer a VERY important question I have been asked ALL month long… and yesterday… while I was at a playdate… for… my cat. “Suze: how do you keep your highlighted wedge haircut looking so full of volume… at… the root?” Well, my dear friends, this lady is about to spill… the beauty… beans. Twice a month, I borrow my friend’s speedboat and go 180 miles an hour, all the way around Mexico… to California. Then, I buy a compact car and drive… directly… to Pam & Jan’s female-specific barber shop and color house… in Phoenix, Arizona. [ show photo ] And that… is… Pam… and… Jan.

Moving on. Now, a lot of you have gotten something in the mail… this month… that looks… just… like this. [ holds up Treasury check ] Looks familiar, my dears? It’s your economic stimulus check, and Uncle Sam… wants you… to blow it… full-tilt — boom! I know you’re probably thinking I’m gonna tell you to take that check… put it in a rusty Sucrest tin… and hide it in a hatbox that is meant to look old, but is new, and you got it at TJ Max! Ohhhh, no! Listen, my sweet dearies… I’m gonna say something… that I have never… said before — and it is not “I love the smell of a man.” It is… go ahead and spend this money… on whatever you like. I did. I bought this: [ grabs at her jacket collar ] not the jacket, just the snap-on collar. [ she removes the collar ] I can add it on to any jacket… or even my evening loungewear robe, which, in essence, is… a Western… chenille-style… floor-length jacket.

Now, we have time for one guest today, and I am very excited to meet him. Joasiah? How are you… my luscious… sweet… dipsy doodle?

Josiah from Miami: I’m not so freakin’ good.

Suze Orman: Okay, boyfriend… lay it on me like a lead X-ray bib… at… the dentist.

Josiah from Miami: Okay. I live in Miami. I’m a clu — I’m an owner of a nightclub/sensual buffett called Regrets. And, let’s just say it’s not as packed as it used to be, Suze.

Suze Orman: [ grinning ear to ear ] That, my friends, is what she said!

Josiah from Miami: That’s a good one… that’s a good one. Anyway, I got my stimulus check — I can’t decide if I should boost morale, give my employees bonuses, or get a five-o’clock shadow tattooed to my face.

Suze Orman: Okay, Josiah — hold your hot dog, ’cause here comes… a scoop… of chili-cheese… advice. Many years ago, I lived in Miami and [ makes quote signs ] “shared expenses” with a girl named Bert. She was the spitting image of Military Elvis, so I know alllll about how hard it is to keep up with… the beautiful people… of Miami. So… to that, I say YES to the face tattoo. Not many people know this… but I’ve got a tattoo of decorative buttons going down my chest, so, no matter what, I look like I’m always… wearing… a jacket!

Josiah from Miami: Well, thank you, Suze. And, listen: if you’re ever in Miami, come over to Regrets; I’ll introduce you to my Mom, she’s a Fonzie impersonator.

Suze Orman: Sorry, Josiah… but I am spoken for… so tell your mom… to “sit on it”! [ she laughs ]

Josiah from Miami: You’re good with the money… you’re good with the funny, you old nut bag!

Suze Orman: Well… that’s all for this week, my sweet lover angels. I’m going to leave you with a few money-saving tips… just for the ladies… that I… cannot… live without.

#1: Don’t waste your money on expensive self-tanners. Do what I do: sit in a bath tub with twelve beef bullion cubes… overnight.

#2: You need a hot stone massage? Don’t go to the parlor. Slather on some I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter… and roll around on a gravel driveway.

And, finally: instead of buying fancy maxi-pads… you… can make… your own. Go to the Dollar Store… buy a twenty-four pack of baby socks… and… some double-sided tape.

Tune in next week, and, in the meantime, remember: people first… then money… then things. Then, homemade maxi-pads.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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