Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 11
The Suze Orman Show
Suze Orman…..Kristen Wiig
Josiah from Miami…..Shia LeBeouf
Announcer: It’s “The Suze Orman Show”.
Suze Orman: Welcome back, my friends. Now… before we get started… I need to answer a VERY important question I have been asked ALL month long… and yesterday… while I was at a playdate… for… my cat. “Suze: how do you keep your highlighted wedge haircut looking so full of volume… at… the root?” Well, my dear friends, this lady is about to spill… the beauty… beans. Twice a month, I borrow my friend’s speedboat and go 180 miles an hour, all the way around Mexico… to California. Then, I buy a compact car and drive… directly… to Pam & Jan’s female-specific barber shop and color house… in Phoenix, Arizona. [ show photo ] And that… is… Pam… and… Jan.
Moving on. Now, a lot of you have gotten something in the mail… this month… that looks… just… like this. [ holds up Treasury check ] Looks familiar, my dears? It’s your economic stimulus check, and Uncle Sam… wants you… to blow it… full-tilt — boom! I know you’re probably thinking I’m gonna tell you to take that check… put it in a rusty Sucrest tin… and hide it in a hatbox that is meant to look old, but is new, and you got it at TJ Max! Ohhhh, no! Listen, my sweet dearies… I’m gonna say something… that I have never… said before — and it is not “I love the smell of a man.” It is… go ahead and spend this money… on whatever you like. I did. I bought this: [ grabs at her jacket collar ] not the jacket, just the snap-on collar. [ she removes the collar ] I can add it on to any jacket… or even my evening loungewear robe, which, in essence, is… a Western… chenille-style… floor-length jacket.
Now, we have time for one guest today, and I am very excited to meet him. Joasiah? How are you… my luscious… sweet… dipsy doodle?
Josiah from Miami: I’m not so freakin’ good.
Suze Orman: Okay, boyfriend… lay it on me like a lead X-ray bib… at… the dentist.
Josiah from Miami: Okay. I live in Miami. I’m a clu — I’m an owner of a nightclub/sensual buffett called Regrets. And, let’s just say it’s not as packed as it used to be, Suze.
Suze Orman: [ grinning ear to ear ] That, my friends, is what she said!
Josiah from Miami: That’s a good one… that’s a good one. Anyway, I got my stimulus check — I can’t decide if I should boost morale, give my employees bonuses, or get a five-o’clock shadow tattooed to my face.
Suze Orman: Okay, Josiah — hold your hot dog, ’cause here comes… a scoop… of chili-cheese… advice. Many years ago, I lived in Miami and [ makes quote signs ] “shared expenses” with a girl named Bert. She was the spitting image of Military Elvis, so I know alllll about how hard it is to keep up with… the beautiful people… of Miami. So… to that, I say YES to the face tattoo. Not many people know this… but I’ve got a tattoo of decorative buttons going down my chest, so, no matter what, I look like I’m always… wearing… a jacket!
Josiah from Miami: Well, thank you, Suze. And, listen: if you’re ever in Miami, come over to Regrets; I’ll introduce you to my Mom, she’s a Fonzie impersonator.
Suze Orman: Sorry, Josiah… but I am spoken for… so tell your mom… to “sit on it”! [ she laughs ]
Josiah from Miami: You’re good with the money… you’re good with the funny, you old nut bag!
Suze Orman: Well… that’s all for this week, my sweet lover angels. I’m going to leave you with a few money-saving tips… just for the ladies… that I… cannot… live without.
#1: Don’t waste your money on expensive self-tanners. Do what I do: sit in a bath tub with twelve beef bullion cubes… overnight.
#2: You need a hot stone massage? Don’t go to the parlor. Slather on some I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter… and roll around on a gravel driveway.
And, finally: instead of buying fancy maxi-pads… you… can make… your own. Go to the Dollar Store… buy a twenty-four pack of baby socks… and… some double-sided tape.
Tune in next week, and, in the meantime, remember: people first… then money… then things. Then, homemade maxi-pads.[ fade ]