Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 11
07k: Shia LaBeouf / My Morning Jacket
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers
Jean K. Jean…..Kenan Thompson
Announcer: Weekend Update, with Amy Poehler and Seth Meyers.
Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers
Amy Poehler: And I’m Amy Poehler, and here are tonight’s top stories:
The state of Israel turned 60 on Thursday, meaning it won’t be long until it moves to Florida.
The price of stamps next week is going up from 41 cents to 42 cents. “Aw, that’s cute.” said oil.
Monday was Cinco de Mayo, the holiday that celebrates the battle of Peublo, in which the outnumbered Mexican army defeated invading French forces by hurling empty Corona bottles at them.
Seth Meyers: This week, congressman Vito Fossella was arrested for drunk driving, then caught having an extramarital affair, then exposed for having a secret child with his mistress, or as it’s known in Washington, the “Trifecta”.
New York’s Edward Cardinal Eagan celebrated mass at St Patrick’s cathedral on Sunday, wearing a new golden globe given to him by Pope Benedict. So, looks like it’s getting pretty serious.
Amy Poehler: Ten fraternity members from Tulane University were arrested after allegedly burning pledges with hot water and pepper spray during a hell-night initiation. On the up side, the hazing led to the capture of two Al-Queda operatives.
Seth Meyers: Last week, Rock Star games released Grand Theft Auto 4; a violent video game set in Liberty City. The game has sold over 6 million copies and won praise from critics and gamers alike. The only ones unhappy with the game are residents of Liberty City, who say it presents an unfair image of their home town. Here now are two of those residents, Vlad and Niko.[Vlad and Niko slide over]
Both: What are you looking at? What are you looking at? [They float their hands like digitalized video game characters would]
Seth Meyers: So… you guys, if I’m not mistaken, you guys are upset by the way your city is portrayed in Grand Theft Auto?[They both talk in same voice pattern, like digitalized characters would]
Niko: Yes! It’s completely unrealistic.
Vlad: People see this game and think all we do is beat eachother![his fist hits his other hand, slowly like a video game character would]
Seth Meyers: Well, um, is their any truth to that?
Both: Shut up! Shut up!
Vlad: I will beat you! And kill you!
Seth Meyers: Guys, I do gotta be honest, you two do seem pretty aggressive.
Niko: I apologize! We just hear so much criticism about our city, and it makes us defensive.
Vlad: We are very sensitive.[Vlad’s arm hits Niko’s arm]
Niko: Hey! Watch your arm!
Vlad: You watch your arm![They punch each other, as if in slow-motion]
Vlad: I will beat you!
Niko: I will kill you!
Vlad: Kill you!
Niko: Beat you!
Amy Poehler: Okay, guys! Guys! Guys! Take it easy! Take it easy!
Vlad: Heyy! Pretty, pretty lady!
Both: Mmmm, why, hello!
Seth Meyers: Hey, guys! Leave her alone, guys.
Amy Poehler: Hey, Seth, I can take this, thank you. You know, guys, I’ve never been to Liberty City, maybe you could give me a tour.
Niko: Great! Follow the yellow line to Roman’s ware house!
Seth Meyers: Vlad and Niko, everybody![applause]
Both: Shut up!
Amy Poehler: Tomorrow is Mother’s Day, according to five recent voice messages from my mother. But, if you still haven’t gotten your mom flowers or anything, you still have… oh no… wait… 12:30, you blew it.
Three teenagers were arrested, after they dug up a secluded grave, north of Houston, removed the skull from its grave, and converted it into a bomb. Then one of the teen said, “Oh wait, I do have papers!”
Seth Meyers: The national average price for gasoline has risen close to fifteen cents, in the last two weeks, meaning that if gas gets any more expensive, rappers will start to drink it.
Hillary Andrews, a former Weather Channel anchor-woman, has won a sexual harassment charge, against Bob Stokes, her male co-anchor, who she accused him of repeatedly asking her about her sex life, and saying crude remarks, such as “Will you lick my swizzle stick?”
Amy Poehler: Ugh, that’s just awful.
Seth Meyers: I know! He could have done so much better!
Amy Poehler: Oh know.
Seth Meyers: Hey, pretty lady, check out this area of high pressure, in m’pants!
Amy Poehler: That’s not what I meant.
Seth Meyers: Yeah, too late. This just in, the national weather service has issued a boner advisory, under my desk!
Amy Poehler: Your not even trying!
Seth Meyers: Yeah, I’m going to try now. The forecast tonight in Amy Town, is a forty percent chance of ding-dongs!
Amy Poehler: Okay, now I’m turned on.[They give high-five]
Seth Meyers: Yeah, sexy, right?
Amy Poehler: Ding-dongs?
Seth Meyers: Yeah, only forty percent chance.
Amy Poehler: Only forty percent chance of ding-dongs? I’ll take those odds!
The rock group, The Police, who will end their world-wide reunion tour this summer, announced Tuesday, plans to donate one million dollars to Mayor Bloomberg’s efforts to plant trees in the city. “Hold on, we’re giving one million dollars?” said the two Police who aren’t Sting.
Seth Meyers: According to researchers, the type of fat that accumulates around the hips and bottom may actually provide some protection against diabetes, though it more than triples your chance of contracting sir mix-a-lot.
An online auction to benefit the Robert F. Kennedy memorial and human rights activist groups, is selling tea with Alan Greenspan for $11,000. Or, for $12,000, you can have the tea alone.
Amy Poehler: You know, Seth, they say that comedy is the universal language, and no one speaks it better than the number one Def Jam comedian in Europe, and the host of Def Jam international. Please welcome Jean K. Jean.
Jean K. Jean: Whoo hoo! Alright! Well, well! Bonjour, Amy! Bon to the jour, Seth!
Amy Poehler: Hey! Hello, Jean, it’s great to see you back in the states!
Jean K. Jean: It’s good to be back, Amy! I love it here in America! Y’all putting ice in your drinks! It’s crazy! Boy, it’s tough over in Europe right now. Price of Petro is going up! Whoo! I can’t even get on the autobomb without feeling like I’m going to the poor house! 1.32 euros a liter! A euro 32?!? For a liter?!? Bitch, for that kind of money I can fill up my side cabriolle with peno nur war! Zut da lour![hip hop music starts up until Jean sweeps his hand over his neck, and it stops]
Jean K. Jean: In creoble. Hey, I was watching the television in my hostile the other day, and I’ll tell you one thing: Kids today have got a million cartoon characters to choose from! Spongebob, Transformers, Dora The Exploree! Man, when I was growing up, all we had was Astrics of Dawn. Y’all remember watching astrics on Saturday morning? Yo mama, he could play some music! I’d be watching Astrics all day long! And Astrics was a pimp, too, right? Brothers would come up all on him, and be like “Bitch, I’m from Gawn. I’ll defend your ass to Gawatawni!” Zut da lour![hip hop music starts, while Jean gets up and starts dancing. Music cuts to an end]
Jean K. Jean: In creoble! Yeah, I was out on a date last night. I ordered up some Frau Grau. Man, brothers be eating up some Frau Grau! You eat Frau Grau, brothers be coming out of the woods, “Bam! Who’s ass has some Frau Grau over there?” And my lady friend said that eating it was inhumane. Inhumane? Bitch, put it on a cracker! Zut da lour![hip hop music stars, while Jean gets up and starts dancing]
Jean K. Jean: Zut da lour!
Amy Poehler: Okay, Jean K. Jean, everybody! Happy 30th birthday, Jean K. Jean! Happy 30th birthday, Jean K. Jean!
Seth Meyers: Whoo, in creoble, in creoble!
Amy Winehouse was arrested Wednesday in connection with a video, that shows her doing drugs at a party. Winehouse could be looking at real jail time, under England’s harsh bizillionth strike law.
Sweedish auto-maker, Saab admitted this week that for certain tests, they used human cadavers as crash test dumbies. Worse, they weren’t cadavers before the test!
Amy Poehler: After six years of delays, the jury selection is set to begin on Friday in R. Kelly’s child porn case. Said R. Kelly, “Six years? That sounds sexy.”
Producers of the hit show, Ugly Betty, are in talks to relocate production of the show, to New York City, where it is set. Which is odd, because I thought it was set on a gay spaceship.
Seth Meyers: For Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers!
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler!
Submitted by: Conner Bourgoin