SNL Transcripts: Steve Carell: 05/17/08: A Couple of A-Holes Do Karaoke


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 33: Episode 12

07l: Steve Carell / Usher

A Couple of A-Holes Do Karaoke

Timone…..Kenan Thompson
Peter Pops…..Steve Carell
Male A-Hole…..Jason Sudeikis
Female A-Hole…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on sign: “Karaoke Tonight” ] [ dissolve to Timone singing Bryan Adams’ “Everything I Do (I Do It For You)” onstage ]

Timone: That was for you, Anna Nicole Smith — we miss you, baby! [ he pounds his chest ] [ Peter Popps, the emcee, steps up on stage ]

Peter Pops: Let’s give it up for Timone! so much emotion in that young man every single week! Alright — if you’ve just arrived, I’m your host, Peter Pops. Welcome to Karaoke — and I hope you can carry… a tune. Okie?

Voice: You used that joke last week!

Peter Pops: [ he chuckles ] It’s Random Draw Night, which means it’s not first-come, first-sing. So, next up — and I hope that you are ready — [ he reaches into the fishbowl and pulls out a slip of paper ] And… okay. There’s gum on this. Who did this?

[ cut to the Two A-Holes sitting in their seats chewing gum ]

Male A-Hole: That’s us, bro! [ turns to Female A-Hole ] Ready to sing, babe?

Female A-Hole: [ annoyed ] Yeah!

[ Cut to a slide which looks like a karaoke screen with title captions on it ]

Announcer: [ cheerfully ] And now… Two A-Holes do Karaoke.

[ dissolve back to karaoke bar ]

Peter Pops: Alright. Looks like we got a couple first-timers. You know me — I’m Peter Pops. And you are?

Male A-Hole: [ into the mike ] Bored.

Female A-Hole: It’s so stupid in here.

Male A-Hole: Yeah. Do something to make it SUCK less.

Peter Pops: [ chuckles ] Alright, I’m trying. Um — do you have a song that you would like to sing?

Male A-Hole: You got a song, babe?

Female A-Hole: Where are our outfits?

Male A-Hole: Yeah, where do we change?

Female A-Hole: I won’t wear wool.

Male A-Hole: She’s afraid of sheep.

Peter Pops: Okay. Yeah. No, you don’t change clothes. Have you ever seen karaoke?

Male A-Hole: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We know this stuff.

Peter Pops: Okay, good.

Male A-Hole: So where’s the band?

Female A-Hole: I wanna play bongos.

Peter Pops: Nnnnno. no, this is karaoke, there’s no band.

Male A-Hole: Alright, he fired the band, babe.

Peter Pops: No. No. I didn’t fire anybody.

Male A-Hole: Oh, they quit, huh?

Peter Pops: No. No. Nobdy quit. There’s no band.

Male A-Hole: What, are they on strike? Is there a union thing?

Peter Pops: [ aggravated ] There’s no band!

Male A-Hole: Was it a plane crash, like “La Bamba”? Aaliyah? What, too soon?

Peter Pops: No. Alright, now listen to me: there is no band, the music is played from C… Ds.

Male A-Hole: CDs, huh? Like CDs nuts? [ he laughs smugly ]

Peter Pops: Okay. Okay. You need to give me the name of your song, or we’re gonna have to move on to somebody else.

Male A-Hole: [ turns to Female A-Hole ] You ready, babe? [ she looks at him but doesn’t respond ] Ready to do some karry-okes? [ silence as she chews with her mouth open ] You ready to roke it, babe? Get our roke on? [ she continues chewing silently ] Babe? Roke?

Female A-Hole: [ annoyed ] Yea-ah.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, we’re ready.

Peter Pops: O-kay. Well, then what would you like to do?

Male A-Hole: What do you want to do, babe?

Female A-Hole: I wanna do stand-up.

Male A-Hole: She wants to tell some jokes.

Peter Pops: Okay — no, lady. You’re supposed to sing.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, we’re gonna tell jokes instead. Watch. [ he grabs the microphone and brings it closer ] Hey, babe, what are you afraid of?

Female A-Hole: Sheep.

Male A-Hole: Oh, yeah? What kind of dreams they give ya?

Female A-Hole: Ba-a-a-a-add.

[ people in the crowd begin to laugh ]

Peter Pops: No! Don’t laugh!

Male A-Hole: Yeah, pretty good, huh?

Peter Pops: No, she’s awful, in many ways.

Male A-Hole: You wanna see her impressions?

Peter Pops: I’d rather not.

Male A-Hole: Okay. [ turns to Female A-Hole ] Babe, do a cow eating grass.

Female A-Hole: [ chewing with her mouth open ] “Moo.”

Male A-Hole: [ chuckles ] Huh! Boo-yah! Yeah. Now, do Yoda eating grass.

Female A-Hole: [ chewing with her mouth open, and raises her hands next to her ears ] “Moo.”

Male A-Hole: Yeah! May the force be with you, babe!

Female A-Hole: And also with you.

Peter Pops: Alright, the two of you are going to have to leave! Next!

Male A-Hole: Uh, no — we’re gonna sing now.

Peter Pops: Oh. Okay. Fine, what’s your song?

Male A-Hole: You got a song, babe?

Female A-Hole: Yeah.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, don’t worry, she’s got one.

Peter Pops: [ fuming ] What is it?

Male A-Hole: Tell him, babe.

Female A-Hole: Guess.

Male A-Hole: She wants you to guess.

Peter Pops: Uh — what? I don’t know. “Baby Got Back”?

Female A-Hole: No.

Male A-Hole: No.

Peter Pops: Uhhh — “Since U Been Gone”?

Female A-Hole: Uh-uh.

Male A-Hole: Wrong.

Peter Pops: “Brown Eyed Girl”?

Female A-Hole: Ew!

Male A-Hole: That song’s gross!

Female A-Hole: It’s about butt sex.

Male A-Hole: Yeah.

Peter Pops: NO!! No, it is NOT about — okay, alright, okay… okay. Um — why am I guessing? Just tell me what the song is!

Female A-Hole: I want to sing “Baby Got Back”.

Peter Pops: [ aghast ] I said that! That’s the first one I said!

Female A-Hole: You said “Baby Got Back”.

Peter Pops: Yeah. So?

Female A-Hole: [ annoyed ] It’s “Baby Got Baaaack“.

Peter Pops: Okay. Okay. Whatever. Fine. Ladies and gentlemen — “Baby Got Back”!

[ Peter Pops steps off stage as the song begins ] [ the music plays, but the Two A-Holes don’t say a word ] [ steam blows out of Peter Pops’ ears ] [ suddenly, Peter Pops jumps onstage and begins blurting out lyrics from “Baby Got Back” ]

Peter Pops: Okay, okay — get out! Get out of here!

Male A-Hole: Okay, let’s go, babe, they’re closing.

Peter Pops: No! No! We are NOT closing! YOU’RE closing! I am closing YOU down! You ruined it! You ruined the ONLY thing that I love! What do you have to say for yourselves?

Male A-Hole: What do you think, babe?

Female A-Hole: [ to Peter Pops ] You look like Eddie Rabbitt.

Peter Pops: ROT IN HELL!!!

[ Peter Pops runs off stage ]

Male A-Hole: [ chuckling ] Say good night, babe.

Female A-Hole: [ into the mike ] Good night, babe.

[ the crowd cheers for them ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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