Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 12
Student 1….Kenan Thompson
Student 2….Jason Sudeikis
Student 3….Kristen Wiig
Thomas: All right. Welcome everyone. This is CPR training. It is actually and exciting day because I’m going to be teaching you the new guidelines for CPR. For over 50 years the American Heart Association has recommended mouth-to-mouth. But now they are recommending hands-only CPR as the new life-saving standard. And that’s what we’re going to learn about. So lets just jump right in. Now, my assistant here, Greg, has hopped up here on the table to give you a better view.[Greg is a young guy, he is laying on a gurney] How are you Greg? Comfortable?
Greg: You know it, Thomas.
Thomas: Great. Now Greg here is a former student of mine and now he is a formidable lifeguard at Crown Beach. Maybe you’ve seen him over there.[Silence from the students]Ok, great. Let’s take a look at the proper way to perform the new technique. Now what the AHA recommends to simply push down on the victim’s chest hard and fast. So I’m just gonna put one hand on top of the other like this and I’m gonna start compressing.[Thomas starts compressing into Greg’s chest]
Greg: You can press harder, Thomas.
Thomas: You sure?
Greg: Yeah, I’m good.
Thomas: Okey-dokey. Now The ideal speed of the compression is about 100 compressions per minute….
Greg: Thomas, you are not gonna hurt me, ok. You can do it right. I’m an adult.
Thomas: Are you sure?
Greg: Yep. I can take it.
Thomas: All right, all right. I’m going to do some very firm compressions here like so….[Thomas presses harder and Crack! His hands go deep into Greg’s chest cavity. Blood spurts Thomas white shirt. The blood sprays Greg and Thomas everywhere]
Greg: AAAAAAAHHH!!!!! WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME????!!!
Thomas: Ok, all right. Nobody panic. This is normal, ok.
Greg:[freaking out] What’s going on down there?!
Thomas: Nothing, nothing. It’s fine.[Thomas pulls out his bloody hands out of Greg’s chest. Students are freaking out]
Thomas: Ok. Looks like we got a little puncture here, got a little blood.
Greg: Oh, God! How’s it look?!
Thomas: Pretty good from where I’m standing. Doesn’t look that bad.
Student 1: Man, where are you standing? That’s bad!
Thomas: Everybody just remain calm. This happens sometimes.
Student 2: Wait, no. When did this happens?
Thomas: It happens! Now, we’re not going to panic. This is fixable. First thing you do in this situation is to gently reach inside the body cavity[Thomas puts his hand deep into Greg’s chest] and you retrieve my wristwatch.
Greg: WHAT?! AAAAAAHHHH!!!!
Thomas: Hey, quit being a baby.
Greg: I can feel that!!!
Thomas: And I can’t find it.[pulls bloody hand out of Greg’s chest] You know what, you can keep the watch. Ok, he’s losing a lot of blood so I’m going to initiate mouth-to-mouth.
Greg: Wait! I thought mouth-to-mouth has been proven ineffective!
Thomas: Proven by who? Doctors? Scientists? All I’m saying is give it a try. Ok, open wide. Here we go.[Thomas gives Greg mouth-to-mouth and a bubble pops out of Greg’s chest, probably his lung]
Student 3:[points] That can’t be good.
Greg: THAT HURT!!
Thomas: Ok, a little pain is normal.[More mouth-to-mouth. Greg pulls away]
Greg: Wait! Stop!, stop! That’s enough, that’s enough. Its over, its over. But its ok.[inspirational music] I’ve had a good life. I graduated from high school.[blood jumps and splashes in Greg’s face during his speech]I worked one summer as a lifeguard. And just recently I found a nickel in a pile of dog turds. So yeah, I think you could say I’ve crossed everything off my bucket list. Goodbye.[he dies]
Thomas: That’s a real shame. In some ways I can’t help but feel responsible.
Student 1: You are responsible![Singer Usher enters the classroom]
Usher: We all are responsible. Hi, I’m Usher. CPR can be a lot of fun, but it can kill someone too.[Usher gives a humble thumbs up and the rest of the class too] [The more you know NBC.com. NBC logo peacock] [fade] [cheers and applause]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel