Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 12
McCain in One
Written by: Jim Downey
…..Sen. John McCain
[ open on John McCain slide ]
Sen. John McCain V/O: I’m John McCain. And I approved this message.
[ dissolve to Sen. John McCain seated in front of a mock Oval Office setting ]
Sen. John McCain: Good evening, my fellow Americans —
[ the audience drowns him out with their applause ]
Sen. John McCain: Good evening, my fellow Americans. I ask you, what should we be looking for in our next president? Certainly, someone who is very, very, very old.
But just as important, we will need a leader of courage and principle. Someone who is willing to do what is best for this country. Even when doing so is unpopular. Such as putting an end to runaway government spending, and, especially, congressional earmarks, those wasteful pork barrel projects sneaked anonymously into bills by members of Congress as a favor to campaign contributors for powerful local interests.
Most of these projects are at best unnecessary, such as $15 million to the U.S. Postal Service for a commemorative stamp honoring Tom Delays appellate lawyers. [ show photo of the stamp ] Whose idea was that? Or this bit of pork: $160 million to the Department of Defense for developing a device that can jam gaydar. [ show photo of the device ] Now, I dont know if this is anti-gay, or pro-gay, or if such a device would even work. But I do know this: jamming gaydar is NOT a federal responsibility. Thats something best left to state and local governments.
My friends, I’ve fought waste in government my entire career. And during more than twenty years, representing Arizona in both the House and Senate, I have not once sought to bring pork-barrel spending back to my state. Not even highway funds. When I entered the Senate in 1987, Arizona had forty-seven thousand miles of paved roadway. Today, it’s less than nine hundred.
I’ve also opposed federal water projects, even when they bnefitted my state. Thats why, thanks to me, 15% of Arizona citizens must get their drinking water from cactus. 25 years! I haven’t even brought a post office to my state. And Im proud of the fact that, because of my work, when residents of Flagstaff want to mail a letter, or to pick up a package, they have to drive to New Mexico.
My friends, controlling government spending isn’t just about Republicans or Democrats, it’s about being able to look your children in the eye. Or, in my case… my children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, great-great grandchildren, and great-great-great grandchildren - the youngest of whom are nearing retirement. And tell them: “We have left you the same things we were left: a future free from debt.” As your president, I will guarantee it.
I have the courage, the wisdom, the experience, and, most importantly, the oldness necessary. The oldness it takes to protect America, to honor her, to love her, and tell her about what cute things the cat did.
Thank you, and good night.
[ cut to John McCain slide ]
[ fade ]