SNL Transcripts: Michael Phelps: 09/13/08


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 1

This free script provided by]]>

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

September 13th, 2008

Michael Phelps

Lil Wayne


Tina Fey

William Shatner

Debbie Phelps

Jared Fogel


A Non-Partisan Message From Sarah Palin & Hillary ClintonSummary: Sarah Palin (Tina Fey) and Hillary Clinton (Amy Poehler) strive to deliver a nonpartisan message despite their disparaging feelings toward one another.

Recurring Characters: Hillary Clinton.



Michael Phelps’ MonologueSummary: Michael Phelps tries to avoid hasty endorsements like William Shatner and introduces his mom (Amy Poehler) and his real mom.

Bio: Michael Phelps (1985-). Swimmer; won eight gold medals at the 2008 Olympic Games, surpassing Mark Spitz’s record of seven at the 1972 Olympic Games.

Note: The monologue was originally to have centered around Sen. Barack Obama, who was scheduled to make a cameo appearance but cancelled the night before because of Hurricane Ike’s landfall in Texas. Chuck Norris was also scheduled to make a cameo appearance during the monologue, but likewise cancelled because of Hurricane Ike.


Quiz BowlSummary: The home-schooled Jasper Family competes against the public school-educated students of Richmond High.


Jar GloveSummary: The product that offers a more viable solution for opening a jar that doesn’t involve accidental homicide.


Locker Room MotivationSummary: Coach (Will Forte) tries to inspire his swim team’s impending loss by playing “Dancing Plants”.

Recurring Characters: Coach.


Craig & StaciaSummary: Mr. and Mrs. Triggs (Bill Hader, Amy Poehler) are oblivious to how annoying his employees find their oversized daughter Stacia (Kristen Wiig) and her gangly cousin Craig (Michael Phelps).

Recurring Characters: Mr. Triggs, Mrs. Triggs, Stacia.

Lil Wayne performs “Got Money”Lyrics

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Alaska Pete (Will Forte) takes offense to media bias against Sarah Palin; political comedian Nicholas Fehn (Fred Armisen) is unable to finish his thoughts on current events or Seth Meyers; comics page Cathy (Andy Samberg) frets about her life.

Recurring Characters: Nicholas Fehn.

The Charles Barkley ShowSummary: In order to pay back his gambling debts, Charles Barkley (Kenan Thompson) interviews Bela Karolyi (Darrell Hammond) and Michael Phelps in a Las Vegas’ Wynn Casino’s day care.

Recurring Characters: Charles Barkley, Bela Karolyi.

T-MobileSummary: Dad (Jason Sudeikis) gets in trouble with Mom (Kristen wiig) after agreeing with his son (Michael Phelps) that his daughter’s (Casey Wilson) friends are hot.


An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg sings about the “Space Olympics”.


Pizzeria UnoSummary: Mark Payne (Bobby Moynihan) waits on a couple (Michael Phelps, Amy Poehler).


Lil Wayne performs “Lollipop”Lyrics

The Michael Phelps DietSummary: The fail-safe weight-loss approach that has dieters eating as many calories as Michael Phelps.



Dress Rehearsal Cuts

LoveMatchConnect.comSummary: Yet another online matchmaking ad parody.

The Justice League of AmericaSummary: To downsize their organization, Justice League members decide to let weak link Aquaman (Michael Phelps) go.

Larry KingSummary: Larry King (Fred Armisen) attempts an unsuccessful interview with newspaper reporter Bob Woodward (Darrell Hammond).

Recurring Characters: Larry King.

Budget Bridal GownsSummary: Save money on bridal gowns by buying secondhand apparel complete with stains.

Katy PerrySummary: Singer Katy Perry (Casey Wilson) stresses that she has other songs besides “I Kissed a Girl”.

Old DaysSummary: While watching a football game, a couple of old men (LeBron James, Kenan Thompson) talk about how the game used to be played in the old days.

History’s Greatest Stories

SNL Transcripts

How useful was this post?

Click on a star to rate it!

Average rating 0 / 5. Vote count: 0

No votes so far! Be the first to rate this post.

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

Notify of
1 Comment
Most Voted
Newest Oldest
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Mike Brown
Mike Brown
3 years ago

Add Note: William Shatner and Guy Ferrari can be visible in the audience.

Would love your thoughts, please comment.x