SNL Transcripts: Michael Phelps: 09/13/08: The Michael Phelps Diet

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 1

08a: Michael Phelps / Lil Wayne

The Michael Phelps Diet

…..Michael Phelps
…..Jared Fogle
Diet guy….Will Forte
Diet Girl 1….Casey Wilson
Diet Girl 2….Amy Poehler
Before and After models….Bill Hader, Jason Sudeikis, Kristen Wiig

[Opens with a girl looking at a jar]

Announcer: Are you tired of counting calories?

[Girl nods yes]

[A guy is eating a sorry looking plate of food]

Announcer: Are you sick of tiny portions and food that taste like cardboard?

[They guy nods yes]

Announcer: What if there were a way to get the results you want without sacrificing the food you love.

[Cut to Olympic champion Michael Phelps]

Michael Phelps: Hi, I’m Olympic champion Michael Phelps. You know, I had to sacrifice a lot to earn 8 gold medals at the Beijing Olympics. But one thing I never sacrificed was a good meal. And neither should you. [Camera pans back and reveals a table filled with steaks, hot dogs, donuts, a big jar of Nutella] Introducing the Michael Phelps diet. The only diet that lets you eat whatever Micahel Phelps eats. As you can tell, it works wonders for me.[Photo of Michael screaming while winning the gold at the Olympics games, his body is ripped with muscles]

[Cut to the Diet guy]

Announcer: Hungry for a delicious, nutritious breakfast?

Diet guy: I sure am.

[Michael gets next to him]

Michael Phelps: Well, how about 3 fried egg sandwiches, a stack of chocolate chip pancakes, a bowl of grits, a 5 egg omelet, french toast with powdered sugar and a gallon of coffee ice cream.[puts the gallon down on the table that is filled with pancakes and all sort of foods]

Diet guy: Wow!

Announcer: Tired of suffering through a salad at lunch?

[Diet girl nods yes. Michael gets next to her]

Michael Phelps: Then cozy up to a pound of pasta, 3 Cuban sandwiches smothered in mayonnaise, a fried turkey stuffed with molasses, a barrel of Halloween candy and to wash it all down? A barrel of Hollandaisse sauce.[puts barrel on the table]

Diet girl: Now that’s a lunch!

Michael Phelps: And for dinner a whole pork butt[image of pork butt], two piñatas filled with corned beef hash[image of piñatas], 4 wedding cakes[images of cakes], an actual pig in a blanket[image of roasted pig with a blanket on top], a tub of pasta Alfredo[image of filled tub]. You can eat whatever you like as long as it adds up to 12,000 calories a day.

Caption: Warning: Caloric intake based on 4,000 laps a day at world-record pace.

Michael Phelps: Can you believe it? Is that simple.

Announcer: Imagine the body you always wanted with a diet that seems to good to be true.

[Image of a thin guy in a Before picture. The After picture the guy is a fat pig]

[Image of a happy go-lucky guy in a Before picture. The After picture is the word DIABETES]

[Image of a thin lady in a Before picture. The After picture is a coffin]

[A thin lady on a picture. The same lady talks next to the picture]

Diet girl 2: I’ve been on the Michael Phelps diet for almost 2 weeks and people are already coming up to me and saying “Congratulations”[reveals a big-ass stomach] Because they know I found the perfect diet.

[cut to diet guy]

Diet Guy: I’ve never felt this full before!

[Michael gets next to him]

Michael Phelps: And you haven’t even touched your bacon-wrapped sausage, your buttered wrapped meatballs or your two other geese.

Diet guy: Dream body, here I come![grabs a handful of pancake]

[cut to famous diet guy from Subway’s commercials]

Jared Fogel: Hey, I’m Jared Fogel for Subway. I know a little something about weight loss and I can honestly say this diet sucks a foot long!

Michael Phelps: Thanks, Jared. The Michael Phelps diet. Because you don’t have to train like an Olympic athlete to have an Olympic body. [ SUPER: “Yes You do” ]

[Diet girl is squeezing frosting into her mouth]

Diet Girl: Yumm, cake frosting!

Michael Phelps: Are you gonna finish that?

Diet Girl: Hey! Get your own! I’m on a diet!

[Image of a smiling Michael Phelps carrying an enormous stack of frosted donuts]

Announcer: The Michael Phelps Diet. Looking this good never tasted so delicious. Almost certainly fatal.

[cheers and applause]


Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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