Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 1
The Michael Phelps Diet
Diet guy….Will Forte
Diet Girl 1….Casey Wilson
Diet Girl 2….Amy Poehler
Before and After models….Bill Hader, Jason Sudeikis, Kristen Wiig
[Opens with a girl looking at a jar]
Announcer: Are you tired of counting calories?[Girl nods yes] [A guy is eating a sorry looking plate of food]
Announcer: Are you sick of tiny portions and food that taste like cardboard?[They guy nods yes]
Announcer: What if there were a way to get the results you want without sacrificing the food you love.[Cut to Olympic champion Michael Phelps]
Michael Phelps: Hi, I’m Olympic champion Michael Phelps. You know, I had to sacrifice a lot to earn 8 gold medals at the Beijing Olympics. But one thing I never sacrificed was a good meal. And neither should you. [Camera pans back and reveals a table filled with steaks, hot dogs, donuts, a big jar of Nutella] Introducing the Michael Phelps diet. The only diet that lets you eat whatever Micahel Phelps eats. As you can tell, it works wonders for me.[Photo of Michael screaming while winning the gold at the Olympics games, his body is ripped with muscles] [Cut to the Diet guy]
Announcer: Hungry for a delicious, nutritious breakfast?
Diet guy: I sure am.[Michael gets next to him]
Michael Phelps: Well, how about 3 fried egg sandwiches, a stack of chocolate chip pancakes, a bowl of grits, a 5 egg omelet, french toast with powdered sugar and a gallon of coffee ice cream.[puts the gallon down on the table that is filled with pancakes and all sort of foods]
Diet guy: Wow!
Announcer: Tired of suffering through a salad at lunch?[Diet girl nods yes. Michael gets next to her]
Michael Phelps: Then cozy up to a pound of pasta, 3 Cuban sandwiches smothered in mayonnaise, a fried turkey stuffed with molasses, a barrel of Halloween candy and to wash it all down? A barrel of Hollandaisse sauce.[puts barrel on the table]
Diet girl: Now that’s a lunch!
Michael Phelps: And for dinner a whole pork butt[image of pork butt], two piñatas filled with corned beef hash[image of piñatas], 4 wedding cakes[images of cakes], an actual pig in a blanket[image of roasted pig with a blanket on top], a tub of pasta Alfredo[image of filled tub]. You can eat whatever you like as long as it adds up to 12,000 calories a day.
Caption: Warning: Caloric intake based on 4,000 laps a day at world-record pace.
Michael Phelps: Can you believe it? Is that simple.
Announcer: Imagine the body you always wanted with a diet that seems to good to be true.[Image of a thin guy in a Before picture. The After picture the guy is a fat pig] [Image of a happy go-lucky guy in a Before picture. The After picture is the word DIABETES] [Image of a thin lady in a Before picture. The After picture is a coffin] [A thin lady on a picture. The same lady talks next to the picture]
Diet girl 2: I’ve been on the Michael Phelps diet for almost 2 weeks and people are already coming up to me and saying “Congratulations”[reveals a big-ass stomach] Because they know I found the perfect diet.
Diet Guy: I’ve never felt this full before![Michael gets next to him]
Michael Phelps: And you haven’t even touched your bacon-wrapped sausage, your buttered wrapped meatballs or your two other geese.
Diet guy: Dream body, here I come![grabs a handful of pancake] [cut to famous diet guy from Subway’s commercials]
Jared Fogel: Hey, I’m Jared Fogel for Subway. I know a little something about weight loss and I can honestly say this diet sucks a foot long!
Michael Phelps: Thanks, Jared. The Michael Phelps diet. Because you don’t have to train like an Olympic athlete to have an Olympic body. [ SUPER: “Yes You do” ] [Diet girl is squeezing frosting into her mouth]
Diet Girl: Yumm, cake frosting!
Michael Phelps: Are you gonna finish that?
Diet Girl: Hey! Get your own! I’m on a diet![Image of a smiling Michael Phelps carrying an enormous stack of frosted donuts]
Announcer: The Michael Phelps Diet. Looking this good never tasted so delicious. Almost certainly fatal.[cheers and applause] [fade]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel