Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 1
08a: Michael Phelps / Lil Wayne
Jar Glove
Wife…..Kristen Wiig
Husband…..Jason Sudeikis
Officers…..Fred Armisen, Bobby Moynihan
Judge…..Kenan Thompson
[ open on suburban kitchen, as Wife, fixing breakfast, grabs a jar ]
Announcer: Opening jars. Every time, it’s the same old story…
[ footage turns black and white, with “Dramatization” tag, as Wife twists and turns the jar’s lid ]
Announcer: The twisting and turning…
[ cut to Wife rubbing her sore wrists ]
Announcer: The aching and straining…
[ cut to Wife trying to loosen the jar’s lid with hot water from the sink, burning her hands in the process ]
Announcer: The scalding and burning…
[ cut to wife smacking the jar against the counter ]
Announcer: The swinging and striking…
[ the jar ricochets off the counter, striking her Husband across the head and knocking him to the floor ]
Announcer: The panicking…
[ cut to Wife dragging her Husband’s dead, bloodies body across the floor ]
Announcer: The dragging…
[ cut to Wife, frustrated, digging her Husband’s grave in the back yard ]
Announcer: The digging and burying…
[ cut to two police officers at the front door, questioning the Wife on her missing husband’s whereabouts ]
Announcer: The lying and stalling…
[ she shoves one of the officers aside and runs for it, as he returns fire with his tazer ]
Announcer: The resisting and tazing…
[ cut to Judge banging gavel ]
Announcer: The sentencing and convicting…
[ cut to Wife being locked up in jail cell ]
Announcer: The shackling and imprisonment…
[ cut to Wife in jail cell hitting all-nighters with stacks of law books ]
Announcer: The studying and appealing…
[ cut to Wife carving a gun out of a bar of soap ]
Announcer: The plotting and scheming…
[ cut to Wife leading foot chase, as officers pursue her with dogs ]
Announcer: The barking and the shooting…
[ cut to Wife hiding inside a sewage pipe ]
Wife: There’s got to be a better way!
[ product slide rises ]
Announcer: Now there is — thanks to Jar Glove!
[ cut to Wife holding a jar with one hand, and wearing a jar glove on the other ]
Announcer: Jar Glove. The better way.
[ she gently twists the lid off the jar and smiles ]
[ return to product slide ]
Announcer: Now only $19.95, plus shipping and handling.
[ fade ]
