SNL Transcripts: Michael Phelps: 09/13/08: Jar Glove


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 1

08a: Michael Phelps / Lil Wayne

Jar Glove

Wife…..Kristen Wiig
Husband…..Jason Sudeikis
Officers…..Fred Armisen, Bobby Moynihan
Judge…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on suburban kitchen, as Wife, fixing breakfast, grabs a jar ]

Announcer: Opening jars. Every time, it’s the same old story…

[ footage turns black and white, with “Dramatization” tag, as Wife twists and turns the jar’s lid ]

Announcer: The twisting and turning…

[ cut to Wife rubbing her sore wrists ]

Announcer: The aching and straining…

[ cut to Wife trying to loosen the jar’s lid with hot water from the sink, burning her hands in the process ]

Announcer: The scalding and burning…

[ cut to wife smacking the jar against the counter ]

Announcer: The swinging and striking…

[ the jar ricochets off the counter, striking her Husband across the head and knocking him to the floor ]

Announcer: The panicking…

[ cut to Wife dragging her Husband’s dead, bloodies body across the floor ]

Announcer: The dragging…

[ cut to Wife, frustrated, digging her Husband’s grave in the back yard ]

Announcer: The digging and burying…

[ cut to two police officers at the front door, questioning the Wife on her missing husband’s whereabouts ]

Announcer: The lying and stalling…

[ she shoves one of the officers aside and runs for it, as he returns fire with his tazer ]

Announcer: The resisting and tazing…

[ cut to Judge banging gavel ]

Announcer: The sentencing and convicting…

[ cut to Wife being locked up in jail cell ]

Announcer: The shackling and imprisonment…

[ cut to Wife in jail cell hitting all-nighters with stacks of law books ]

Announcer: The studying and appealing…

[ cut to Wife carving a gun out of a bar of soap ]

Announcer: The plotting and scheming…

[ cut to Wife leading foot chase, as officers pursue her with dogs ]

Announcer: The barking and the shooting…

[ cut to Wife hiding inside a sewage pipe ]

Wife: There’s got to be a better way!

[ product slide rises ]

Announcer: Now there is — thanks to Jar Glove!

[ cut to Wife holding a jar with one hand, and wearing a jar glove on the other ]

Announcer: Jar Glove. The better way.

[ she gently twists the lid off the jar and smiles ] [ return to product slide ]

Announcer: Now only $19.95, plus shipping and handling.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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