Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 1
Locker Room Motivation II
Michael Phillips….Michael Phelps
Swimmer 1….Bill Hader
Swimmer 2….Fred Armisen
Swimmer 3….Bobby Moynihan
Swimmer 4….Kenan Thompson
Swimmer 5….Jason Sudeikis
Swimmer 6….Andy Samberg
[Opens with a demoralized swimming team in blue tracksuits entering their locker room. They sit on a bench, some sit on the floor. The coach enters behind them, mustache, clipboard in his hands]
Coach: All right, listen up, listen up! Now I know this season has not been what we had hoped. Yes, we lost every single swim meet that we participated in, all your scholarships have been revoked and we’ve had two deaths by drowning. Hey, but look guys this is our last meet and I think if we give it our all we can win this thing.
Michael Phillips: Coach, can I address the team?
Coach: Yeah, go ahead Phillips. Gentlemen, your team captain, Michael Phillips.
Michael Phillips: I don’t know guys. I just don’t think if I’m cut out for this whole swimming thing. I mean, I just picture myself on that starting block and I got so scared that I thought I fudged my Speedo.
Coach: Oh, hey, hey, hey. That is nothing to be ashamed of Phillips. I soil my pants everyday, ok? With me is not a fear thing, is more of an illness. I’m just saying I can relate. But there’s no reason to be scared of this guys, ok? You’re all the same. You’re just people, ok? Y’all put your clothes on one leg at a time. One arm at a time for shirts. Hats, you just put them up there on top of your heads. Well, you guys know how to put on hats, huh? The point is you can do this and anyone in here that doesn’t think they can, there’s the door.
Michael Phillips: Lets get out of here.
[The swimming team get up to leave]
Coach: Oh, hey, hold on! You come back here![throws clipboard to the floor]Hit the pine,[points to the bench] hit the pine. [Swimming team comes back] Look, I know is tempting to give up. Heck, sometimes the thought even crosses my mind, huh? Well, when it does there’s one thing that always brings me back.[takes a cassette from his pocket and shakes it in front of them]Its a song my father gave me. But its not just any song, ok? See, this is a song played over the loudspeakers as he and his military brethren were about to land in Korea to participate on the battle of Inchon, ok, were they scared? You bet your nose-plugs they were scared, huh? But after hearing this song–it so fired them up,that they won that battle and together changed the course of history. And all I’m asking of you is to listen to this song once and then decide if you want to run away like cowards or if you want to stay here and swim like champions. Champions.
[Coach goes over to a radio and pops cassette in. Song begins. Coach is taking the song in. Song is traveling through him. The team looks at him kind of stunned. Coach starts smiling and starts dancing out of pure joy, dancing and more dancing. Coach dances on one leg. Does a big wave with his hands and makes baby-steps a few times]
Song: Fancy pants![coach points at his pants], Fancy Pants![points again], Fancy Pants![points again] Fancy Pants!, Fancy Pants! Fancy Pants!
Coach: Ahh, can you FEEL IT!
Michael Phillips: I can feel it coach!
[Michael gets up and starts dancing with the coach locked arm in arm. Pinch their noses and make like they’re drowning, bump playfully their hips, swim like they’re underwater]
Coach: Ah, now who is ready to kick some buns?!!
Michael Phillips: USA! USA! USA![goes back out to the pool, Coach follows]
Coach: USA! USA! USA!
Swimmer 1: Let’s get outta here!
[Whole team leaves]
[Cheers and applause]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel