Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 1
Michael Phelps’ Monologue
Michael’s Mom…..Amy Poehler
Male Audience Member…..Will Forte
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Michael Phelps!
Michael Phelps: Thank you! Thank you very much! It’s so great to be here, hosting “Saturday Night Live” — uh, this seriously is, like, the ninth greatest moment of my life.
[ cut to Michael’s Mom in the audience, waving a pair of small American flags ]
Michael’s Mom: Yeah! Good job, Michael!! Whoo!!
Michael Phelps: For those of you who don’t know, uh — I set a world record this summer by becoming the first person to appear on NBC for 390 consecutive hours.
Michael’s Mom: [ laughing hysterically ] That’s my boy!! That’s my son up there!! Whoo!!
Michael Phelps: Relax, Mom… come on.
Michael’s Mom: What?! A mom can’t be proud of her son?! [ turns to the woman seated next to her ] Do you have children? And how many of them have gold medals?
Michael Phelps: MOM!!
Michael’s Mom: I’m sorry, keep going! You’re in the zone!!
Michael Phelps: Also, I’m very proud to announce that I’m going to be a BIG part of NBC’s Fall schedule, uh — so don’t miss me in the new cop drama: “Swim Cop”.
[ cut to title card ]
Uh — if you commit a crime — and that crime is in the water — you’re gonna have to deal with me. I’ve also been getting a lot of endorsement offers, and… I do realzie how important it is to choose the right kind of products for your image.
Male Audience Member: Uh, excuse me, Mr. Phelps?
Michael Phelps: Uh — yes? You have a question?
Male Audience Member: I do, uh — you mentioned endorsements, and I do believe that I have the PERFECT product for the Michael Phelps name.
Michael Phelps: Well… I don’t think now is the best time.
Male Audience Member: [ holding box up ] It’s “My First Meth Lab”! It’s the only meth lab kit on the market that is specifically marketed to pre-teens. [ turns box around ] I’ve already put your face on the box!
Michael Phelps: Wow, uh — I would NOT want to endorse stuff like that, I don’t care HOW much you paid me.
Male Audience Member: Pay you? [ chuckles at the thought ]
Michael Phelps: Yeah, thanks, but no thanks. [ to the audience ] See, that’s a good example of a product I should NOT endorse. I’m looking for endorsements that make sense for someone like me.
William Shatner stands in the audience ]
William Shatner: Yeah, yeah, it’s TRUE! You can’t be too careful!
[ the audience cheers ]
Michael Phelps: William Shatner! What are you doing here?
William Shatner: Michael, I’m here to give you some advice! Nothing is more important than integrity! You earned your integrity in the Olympic arena, and I was born with mine! So, you must be vigilant! We can’t just throw our face on any second-rate product, we have to SAVE ourselves… for the high-end brands! Brands like, uh — [ stares into the camera ] Priceline! I mean, the only online way to book flights, hotels, cars, you name it!
Michael Phelps: Are you — are you just here to talk about Priceline?
William Shatner: No, no, no! I would never do that! And you know why I would never do that? Integrity! [ stares into camera ] And Priceline!
Michael Phelps: Thank you. Uh — we have a great show for you tonight. Mom, are you excited?
Michael’s Mom: Yes! Yes! Yes!
Michael Phelps: And how about you, Mom?
[ cut to Debbie Phelps, Michael’s real mom, who hugs her doppleganger as the audience cheers ]
Michael Phelps: Well, we have a great show tonight — Lil Wayne is here, so stick around, we’ll be right back.