SNL Transcripts: Michael Phelps: 09/13/08: Michael Phelps’ Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 1

08a: Michael Phelps / Lil Wayne

Michael Phelps’ Monologue

…..Michael Phelps
Michael’s Mom…..Amy Poehler
Male Audience Member…..Will Forte
…..William Shatner
…..Debbie Phelps

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Michael Phelps!

Michael Phelps: Thank you! Thank you very much! It’s so great to be here, hosting “Saturday Night Live” — uh, this seriously is, like, the ninth greatest moment of my life.

Voice: Whoo!!

[ cut to Michael’s Mom in the audience, waving a pair of small American flags ]

Michael’s Mom: Yeah! Good job, Michael!! Whoo!!

Michael Phelps: For those of you who don’t know, uh — I set a world record this summer by becoming the first person to appear on NBC for 390 consecutive hours.

Michael’s Mom: [ laughing hysterically ] That’s my boy!! That’s my son up there!! Whoo!!

Michael Phelps: Relax, Mom… come on.

Michael’s Mom: What?! A mom can’t be proud of her son?! [ turns to the woman seated next to her ] Do you have children? And how many of them have gold medals?

Michael Phelps: MOM!!

Michael’s Mom: I’m sorry, keep going! You’re in the zone!!

Michael Phelps: Also, I’m very proud to announce that I’m going to be a BIG part of NBC’s Fall schedule, uh — so don’t miss me in the new cop drama: “Swim Cop”.

[ cut to title card ]

Uh — if you commit a crime — and that crime is in the water — you’re gonna have to deal with me. I’ve also been getting a lot of endorsement offers, and… I do realzie how important it is to choose the right kind of products for your image.

Male Audience Member: Uh, excuse me, Mr. Phelps?

Michael Phelps: Uh — yes? You have a question?

Male Audience Member: I do, uh — you mentioned endorsements, and I do believe that I have the PERFECT product for the Michael Phelps name.

Michael Phelps: Well… I don’t think now is the best time.

Male Audience Member: [ holding box up ] It’s “My First Meth Lab”! It’s the only meth lab kit on the market that is specifically marketed to pre-teens. [ turns box around ] I’ve already put your face on the box!

Michael Phelps: Wow, uh — I would NOT want to endorse stuff like that, I don’t care HOW much you paid me.

Male Audience Member: Pay you? [ chuckles at the thought ]

Michael Phelps: Yeah, thanks, but no thanks. [ to the audience ] See, that’s a good example of a product I should NOT endorse. I’m looking for endorsements that make sense for someone like me.

William Shatner stands in the audience ]

William Shatner: Yeah, yeah, it’s TRUE! You can’t be too careful!

[ the audience cheers ]

Michael Phelps: William Shatner! What are you doing here?

William Shatner: Michael, I’m here to give you some advice! Nothing is more important than integrity! You earned your integrity in the Olympic arena, and I was born with mine! So, you must be vigilant! We can’t just throw our face on any second-rate product, we have to SAVE ourselves… for the high-end brands! Brands like, uh — [ stares into the camera ] Priceline! I mean, the only online way to book flights, hotels, cars, you name it!

Michael Phelps: Are you — are you just here to talk about Priceline?

William Shatner: No, no, no! I would never do that! And you know why I would never do that? Integrity! [ stares into camera ] And Priceline!

Michael Phelps: Thank you. Uh — we have a great show for you tonight. Mom, are you excited?

Michael’s Mom: Yes! Yes! Yes!

Michael Phelps: And how about you, Mom?

[ cut to Debbie Phelps, Michael’s real mom, who hugs her doppleganger as the audience cheers ]

Michael Phelps: Well, we have a great show tonight — Lil Wayne is here, so stick around, we’ll be right back.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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