Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 1
Mrs. Jasper…..Kristen Wiig
Host: Hello, and welcome back to Quiz Bowl. We’re about to start round two, but before we do, let’s get to know our contestants. First is the team from Richmond High.
Craig: Hi. I’m Craig.
Rachel: I’m Rachel.
Jim: And I’m excited. Nah, just joking. I’m Jim. Go bulldogs!
Host: Alright, next we have the Jasper family from the Brethren of Ezekiel Compound.
Zachariah: Hi I’m Zachariah.
Zaraya: I’m Zeraya.
Zebediah: And I’m Zebediah.
All Jaspers: We’re home schooled.
Host: Ah, that’s just great. Now the Jasper family dominated in the first round…spelling, to take a one hundred and sixty point lead. Let’s see if Richmond can turn it around in our second round…the topic…biology. Alright…for ten points… during ovulation, the egg passes through what tubes?
Host: Right. Next question. What two things can be found in the nucleus of the atom?
Zachariah: Jesus and Angels?
Host: No, we were actually looking for neutrons and protons. Alright. What substance in your body transfers oxygen from your lungs to your body?
Zebediah: Tiny gremlins?
Host: Wow, uh, no.
Ms. Jasper: Yes it is. Tiny gremlins, there’s tiny gremlins in our bodies. I’ve seen them in my microscope.
Host: Ms. Jasper, I asked you to stay with the other mothers.
Ms. Jasper: Tiny gremlins.
Host: Okay, we’ll get away from science here…Richmond, I encourage you to get to your buzzers quicker…Alright, how bout history? What was the last international war fought on U.S. soil? Jasper family.
Zarayah: The dinosaur caveman war?
Host: Uh, no.
Ms. Jasper: Yes, it was.
Host: No, it’s not.
Ms. Jasper: Okay, then where are all of the dinosaurs, huh? They’re dead ’cause the cavemen killed them and then they built the White House.
Host: Okay, Ms. Jasper. Ms. Jasper, please leave.
Ms. Jasper: The St. Louis Arcj is a giant magnet.
Host: Okay, can we try to keep her away from here?
Ms. Jasper: It’s pulling us.
Host: Alright, that’s a free steal for Richmond. What was the last international war fought on U.S. soil?
(Richmond students huddle)
Jim: I believe it was the dinosaur neanderthal war.
Host: No, no! What are you, home schooled too?
Jim: Uh, no, we go to public school.
Host: Alright, let’s just do this…Let’s go to the lightning round instead. What force discovered by Isaac Newton causes objects to fall at a unified rate?
Zebediah: Lack of faith?
Host: No, no, wrong. It’s gravity. What triggered World War One?
Zaraya: Boys and Girls swimming together?
Host: No, it’s the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand. (to Richmond) You guys can jump in anytime here. Okay, what ingredient causes bread to rise?
Zachariah: Swear words.
Zachariah: Swear words.
Host: No, it’s yeast. Richmond, guys, come on! Yeast…doesn’t ring a bell? No? Okay. What religious holiday is celebrated for eight days and eight nights?
All Jaspers: Chi Chi Mon Greenus.
Host: Chi Chi Mon Greenus? Okay…what do you do on Chi Chi Mon Greeenus?
Ms. Jasper: You study spelling.
Host: Okay. Ding ding ding. That means we are out of time. The final score is Richmond – 20. Jasper family – 80. But don’t worry Jasper family, you won’t be going home empty handed. You won’t be going home at all. Social Services is waiting outside with orders from multiple judges to take you away. And that’s all for Quiz Bowl. See you next time.
Submitted by: JMan