SNL Transcripts: Michael Phelps: 09/13/08: T-Mobile

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 1

08a: Michael Phelps / Lil Wayne


Michael….Jason Sudeikis
Derrick….Michael Phelps
Amanda….Kristen Wiig
Derrick’s sister….Casey Wilson

[Opens with a house at night. Cut into the dining room. They’ve finished dinner. A couple of teens sit at the table with their parents. Dad reads a paper]

Mom: So, did you kids pick who’s gonna be in your five?

Derrick’s Sister: I picked Stacey, Beth, Ashley, Rachel and Jenny.

Derrick: That’s funny. I also picked Stacey, Beth, Ashley, Rachel and Jenny. Your friends are hot.

Derrick’s Sister: Mom? Dad? Are you gonna do anything?

Dad:[being sly] Well, maybe you shouldn’t have such hot friends.

[cut to T-Mobile. Stick Together]

Announcer: Who’s in your five? Introducing my faves for families.

[Back to the table]

Mom:[troubled] I’m sorry. What did you just say? You think her friends are hot?

Dad:[off guard] No, I…, I mean, you know, come on. They’re attractive young women.

Mom: Oh, so you’re attracted to them?

Dad: I didn’t say I was attracted to them. I just said that they were attractive.

Mom: Michael, these are fifteen year old girls!

Dad:[angry] What are you implying?!

[cut to T-Mobile. Stick Together]

Announcer: Each person gets an unlimited number of calls to any five people. That’s right. All the calls you want to make.

[Back at the table. Later at night, kids gone]

Dad: Jeez Amanda! Its like you think I’m some kind of sicko!

Mom: What am I suppose to think? You think girls our daughter’s age are sexy?

Dad: What would you know about sexy? Huh? I mean, you’ve been so cold to me. So cold to my touch for so long.

[cut to T-Mobile. Stick Together]

Announcer: That goes to any number. Even land lines.

[Back at the table. Michael and Amanda resume their tense discussion]

Dad: Well, you know, at least they ask me how my day went.

Mom: What? So, you’ve been talking to them?[uncomfortable silence] Have you? [another uncomfortable silence] Michael, who’s in your five?

Dad: Um, Stacey, Beth, Ashley, Rachel and now Jenny.

[Sticks his head out the door into the dining room]

Derrick: That’s funny. I also picked Stacey, Beth,—

Mom: Not now!


[cut to T-Mobile. Stick Together]

Announcer: Only $39.99 a month and if you act now you’ll get 10,000 free messages with unlimited minutes on nights and weekends.

[Cut to dining room. Kids are bummed out. Michael has a suitcase. Amanda has her back to him]

Dad: If anyone needs me I’ll be at the Travelodge.

Mom: Leave the phone.

[Michael pouts and angrily gives her the phone]

[cut to T-Mobile. Stick Together]

Announcer: T-Mobile. Stick together.

[cheers and applause]


Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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