Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 1
Derrick’s sister….Casey Wilson
[Opens with a house at night. Cut into the dining room. They’ve finished dinner. A couple of teens sit at the table with their parents. Dad reads a paper]
Mom: So, did you kids pick who’s gonna be in your five?
Derrick’s Sister: I picked Stacey, Beth, Ashley, Rachel and Jenny.
Derrick: That’s funny. I also picked Stacey, Beth, Ashley, Rachel and Jenny. Your friends are hot.
Derrick’s Sister: Mom? Dad? Are you gonna do anything?
Dad:[being sly] Well, maybe you shouldn’t have such hot friends.[cut to T-Mobile. Stick Together]
Announcer: Who’s in your five? Introducing my faves for families.[Back to the table]
Mom:[troubled] I’m sorry. What did you just say? You think her friends are hot?
Dad:[off guard] No, I…, I mean, you know, come on. They’re attractive young women.
Mom: Oh, so you’re attracted to them?
Dad: I didn’t say I was attracted to them. I just said that they were attractive.
Mom: Michael, these are fifteen year old girls!
Dad:[angry] What are you implying?![cut to T-Mobile. Stick Together]
Announcer: Each person gets an unlimited number of calls to any five people. That’s right. All the calls you want to make.[Back at the table. Later at night, kids gone]
Dad: Jeez Amanda! Its like you think I’m some kind of sicko!
Mom: What am I suppose to think? You think girls our daughter’s age are sexy?
Dad: What would you know about sexy? Huh? I mean, you’ve been so cold to me. So cold to my touch for so long.[cut to T-Mobile. Stick Together]
Announcer: That goes to any number. Even land lines.[Back at the table. Michael and Amanda resume their tense discussion]
Dad: Well, you know, at least they ask me how my day went.
Mom: What? So, you’ve been talking to them?[uncomfortable silence] Have you? [another uncomfortable silence] Michael, who’s in your five?
Dad: Um, Stacey, Beth, Ashley, Rachel and now Jenny.
Derrick: That’s funny. I also picked Stacey, Beth,—
Mom: Not now!
Dad: DERRICK, GET OUT OF HERE![cut to T-Mobile. Stick Together]
Announcer: Only $39.99 a month and if you act now you’ll get 10,000 free messages with unlimited minutes on nights and weekends.[Cut to dining room. Kids are bummed out. Michael has a suitcase. Amanda has her back to him]
Dad: If anyone needs me I’ll be at the Travelodge.
Mom: Leave the phone.[Michael pouts and angrily gives her the phone] [cut to T-Mobile. Stick Together]
Announcer: T-Mobile. Stick together.[cheers and applause] [fade]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel