Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 1
Mark Payne….Bobby Moynihan
[Opens with a shot of Pizzeria Uno. Cut to inside it. A couple share a table]
Girlfriend: I’m so excited to see that Pacino-DeNiro movie.
Boyfriend: Me too.
Girlfriend: Are you disappointed we’re not seeing “The Women”?
Boyfriend: I’ll go see it with my guy friends.
Girlfriend: Yeah, excuse me.[She stops a man walking by with an apron] Are you our waiter? We’re kind of in a hurry.
Dan: Oh, no. I’m not your waiter. I’m the assistant manager.[In walks a guy with a do-rag, he plays with two strips of cloth that come from it. He talks with some southern gayness]
Mark Payne: Dan, are you harassing my table?
Dan: No. They just asked me where you were.
Mark Payne: Well then, tell them I’m standing right here.
Dan: He’s right here. [leaves]
Mark Payne: Good evening. How are y’all—oooh! Do you smell that? It smells like pepper up in here. Straight up. It smells like somebody put a big ‘ol pile of pepper in the middle of the room then sprayed that mess with hairspray a lit that junk on fire. It smells like a pepper inferno up in this piece! Oooh!
Girlfriend: We’re ready to order.
Mark Payne: Oh, me too!
Girlfriend: What? I don’t—
Mark Payne:[clears throat] Hey, my name is Mark Payne and I will not be your server tonight. Straight up. I will be your everything, girl. Ok? I will not be your waiter because Mark Payne does not wait. I will not be your server because Mark Payne don’t serve nobody but the Lord Jesus Christ.[Claps his hands above his head] OK, you heard?
Girlfriend: Well, that’s great. We’re kind of in a rush. We got tickets to go see a movie at ten.
Mark Payne: Well, let’s get down to brass tacks. We got over 4 different flavors of soda. Can you believe that? We got brown ones and sure enough we got clear ones. OK?
Girlfriend: I’ll have a Diet Coke.
Mark Payne: I ain’t gonna get you no soda. No, I’m gonna get you a water. Because soda is bad for your weak ass teeth. And water is just right over here. Straight up. So close you can almost wave to it.[Brings pitcher of water] Here you go. Drink that with your mouth. I’ll be back in 3 blinks of a lamb’s eye.[leaves]
Girlfriend: Can’t we eat at Ruby Tuesday’s? Its right next door.
Boyfriend: Let’s just stay here.
Girlfriend: We’ve been here 45 minutes.
Boyfriend: I have a coupon.[takes out coupon]
Girlfriend: You didn’t tell me that…
Boyfriend: It was suppose to be a surprise.[Mark returns]
Mark Payne: Ooooohhh! How do you not smell that pepper?! Straight up! Can I ask you a secret? Is your smeller broke? Because it is overwhelming the smell of pepper up in here! Its like someone hit me over the head with a lead pipe and then dragged me into an establishment that only sells two things–pepper and a fan to blow that pepper around the room. Its blowing around the room like that bag from that movie. Oh, my God, you know that famous bag? Oh, my God girl. That bag was amazing.
Boyfriend: We’re ready to order now.
Mark Payne: So, can I get you some cheese sticks? Because if you like cheese you will enjoy them. Because they are 99% cheese and if you don’t like cheese then I suggest you eat a bowl of hair because you are a dummy.
Girlfriend: We’re gonna go to Ruby Tuesday’s.
Boyfriend: And then we’re gonna see “The Women”.
Mark Payne: Oh, what’s wrong? Is it the pepper smell? You ain’t go to worry about pepper. Pepper ain’t never killed nobody.
Girlfriend: No, its not the pepper. Its—
Mark Payne: Oh, what’s that? Oh, I see what’s going on…oh, so its me? Is that it? So, you are trying to tell me that if you threw a party and invited everyone that you knew, that you wouldn’t see the greatest gift would be from me and the card attached wouldn’t say “thanks for being a friend?”
Girlfriend: That’s from “The Golden Girls”.
Mark Payne: How do you not smell that pepper?! Its like the pepper monster from “Lost” left the island and made a beeline straight up into this Pizzeri-a Uno!
Girlfriend: Lets just go see “The Women”.
Mark Payne: Y’all got a cell phone? Call up Bill Paxton and Helen Hunt and tell them we got a class 5 pepper twister on our hands! Ok?[The couple leave] Where you going? Its an old reference but it still holds up. Oh, snap![grabs his head] Yo’, I left my kid on the bus![leaves but returns to the table] Ooohh! You did not leave a tip![leaves again] [cheers and applause] [fade]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel