SNL Transcripts: James Franco: 09/20/08: Agent 420


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 2

08b: James Franco / Kings of Leon

Agent 420

Bill Hader…..Department Head
Jason Sudeikis…..Aide
Agent 420…..James Franco
Dancer…..Kristen Wiig
Dr. Huang…..Fred Armisen
Guard 1…..Will Forte
Guard 2…..Andy Samberg

[ open on exterior, MI6 Secret Intelligence Service ] [ dissolve to interior, Department Head’s office ]

Department Head: So, our worst fears have been realized?

Aide: I’m afraid so. It appears Dr. Huang has pointed a high-intensity laser-ray directly at the new Extel communications satellite.

Department Head: If he takes out that satellite, it would cripple the world finiancial market. Dozens, maybe hundreds, of banks would shut down.

Aide: Impossible!!

Department Head: The market could be down 500 points one day, then up 300 the next.

Aide: Good God!!

Department Head: We’re talking total financial chaos. There’s only one man for this job. Get me 007!

[ “James Bond Theme” sting ]

Aide: He’s busy.

Department Head: Oh. Uhhhh… then, get me 008.

Aide: He’s busy, too.

Department Head: 09?

Aide: His wife just had a baby.

Department Head: What about 103?

Aide: All the 100’s are at Six Flags for a corporate retreat.

Department Head: 200’s?

Aide: Nope!

Department Head: 300’s?

Aide: Jammed.

Department Head: Then, who’s left?

Aide: We have one agent on loan from Langley. They call him… Agent 420.

Voice: You called?

[ cut to Agent 420’s clean-cut shoes. Fast pan up his clean-cut tuxedo, until we reach his head, which is covered in long, blond hair and a headband. He blows a stream of pot smoke from his mouth and chokes.]

Agent 420: So…

[ dissolve to opening credits ]

Dancer: [ singing ]“Agent 420
Smoking guns by the plenty
He’s a master of spying
Blazing knobs [?] ’til he’s flying!
There’s a skunky cloud in the air
‘Cause it’s always 4:20 somewherrrrre
Always 4:20
Always 4:20…”

[ dissolve back to Department Head’s office ]

Department Head: Alright, sport-monkey. There’s a laser-ray threatening to destroy the satellite in space that controls ALL communications.

Agent 420: Wait, wait… dude… hold on. [ he snickers ] There’s a satellite in space that controls communication? Whoa! You’re blowing my mind!

Department Head: Right. Uh, the good news is we think we know the exact location of Dr. Huang’s laser. It’s here. [ he taps that portion of the desk map ]

Agent 420: The table?

Department Head: No, this is a map.

Agent 420: Oh. The laser’s in the map.

Department Head: No, no, no. Look where I’m pointing, right here.

Agent 420: Oh, the laser’s in your finger.

Department Head: No, no! It’s located at this point on Earth!

Agent 420: Oh. Oh! Gotcha! [ a beat ] Wait… what?

Department Head: Just get to Dr. Huang’s secret lair and dismantle the laser, okay? [ Agent 420 nods ] Here’s a briefcase with al lthe information you need. [ he hands Agent 420 the briefcase ] Just be sure it doesn’t fall into the wrong hands.

Agent 420: Ah, cool. Wait — who do I give it to?

Department Head: No one! Just get moving! Your flight leaves in 0800 hours! Godspeed, Agent 420!

Agent 420: Right! [ he salutes before exiting ] [ dissolve to toy plane cutting a path down past Europe and Africa on a map ] [ dissolve to Agent 420 sitting in an outer office at MI6, with several discarded pizza boxes on a table as he plays with a Slinky ] [ Department Head enters ]

Department Head: Agent 420! You were supposed to catch an eight o’clock flight!

Agent 420: Uh… no, no, dude, you said, uh… 0800 hours! [ looks at his watch ] I’ve got, like, uh… uh… 792 hours to go.

Department Head: Let’s go, you’ll catch the next one!

Agent 420: Awww, oh, okay. [ he stuffs bags of weed into his pants ]

Department Head: What are you doing?

Agent 420: I gotta crotch my stash, man, get past airport security.

Department Head: 420! [ hands him his briefcase ]

Agent 420: Right! Don’t worry, man, I won’t let you down!

Department Head: Alright. [ Agent 420 exits ] And don’t reveal to anyone that you’re a secret agent!!

[ dissolve again to toy plane cutting a path down past Europe and Africa on a map ] [ dissolve to a mountain setting, Dr. Huang’s Secret Island ] [ dissolve to Dr. Huang’s guards dragging Agent 420 through the lair ]

Guard 1: Hey, we caught this guy playing hackeysack outside the lair!

[ they shackle him to a stone wall ]

Guard 2: Yeah! He immediately revealed that he was a secret agent!

Agent 420: Did I say that? I meant, I’m a, uh, uh… the pizza delivery guy!

Guard 1: What should we do, Dr. Huang?

[ Agent 420 snickers loudly ]

Dr. Huang: What is so funny?

Agent 420: I… I just realized that your name is Dr. Wang! [ he laughs ]

Dr. Huang: [ mocking ] Ah, ha ha ha ha ha ha! But, now — [ he opens Agent 420’s briefcase and pulls out the hackeysack gear ] we have ALL the secrets! [ he laughs nefariously ] Wait! It is just two hackeysacks and a rain stick!

Agent 420: Wait! Wait! Dude, don’t touch that! You don’t know how to use it.

[ Dr. Huang turns the rainstick on its side, as the contents slide in that direction ]

Agent 420: Ohhh. You figured it out. Good work, Dr… Wang! [ he laughs ]

Dr. Huang: That’s it! Activate the laser!

[ the laser, pointed at Agent 420’s crotch, lights up. His weed stash begins to smoke and burn. ]

Guard 2: Hey, what’s that smell?

Guard 1: Is someone burning incense?

Agent 420: No! The laser’s burning my stash!

Dr. Huang: Your what?

[ dissolve to exterior mountain shot, with SUPER: “Dr. Huang’s Secret Island, Five Minutes Later” ] [ dissolve back to interior lair, as Agent 420, Dr. Huang and his guard stand amid the pot smoke chilling ]

Agent 420: It’s crazy, man… there’s, like, this satellite… in SPACE! And it’s, like, beaming these signals into people’s BRAIN!

[ Dr. Huang and his guards ooh with astonishment ]

Agent 420: Yeah!

Guard 2: Hey, should we turn off that laser?

Agent 420: No, I’m sure it’s fine.

[ dissolve to end credits ]

Dancer: “‘Cause it’s always 4:20 somewherrrrrrre!!”

[ cut to Dr. Huang’s Secret Island exploding ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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