Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 2
Bill Hader…..Department Head
Agent 420…..James Franco
Dr. Huang…..Fred Armisen
Guard 1…..Will Forte
Guard 2…..Andy Samberg
Department Head: So, our worst fears have been realized?
Aide: I’m afraid so. It appears Dr. Huang has pointed a high-intensity laser-ray directly at the new Extel communications satellite.
Department Head: If he takes out that satellite, it would cripple the world finiancial market. Dozens, maybe hundreds, of banks would shut down.
Department Head: The market could be down 500 points one day, then up 300 the next.
Aide: Good God!!
Department Head: We’re talking total financial chaos. There’s only one man for this job. Get me 007![ “James Bond Theme” sting ]
Aide: He’s busy.
Department Head: Oh. Uhhhh… then, get me 008.
Aide: He’s busy, too.
Department Head: 09?
Aide: His wife just had a baby.
Department Head: What about 103?
Aide: All the 100’s are at Six Flags for a corporate retreat.
Department Head: 200’s?
Department Head: 300’s?
Department Head: Then, who’s left?
Aide: We have one agent on loan from Langley. They call him… Agent 420.
Voice: You called?[ cut to Agent 420’s clean-cut shoes. Fast pan up his clean-cut tuxedo, until we reach his head, which is covered in long, blond hair and a headband. He blows a stream of pot smoke from his mouth and chokes.]
Agent 420: So…[ dissolve to opening credits ]
Dancer: [ singing ]“Agent 420
Smoking guns by the plenty
He’s a master of spying
Blazing knobs [?] ’til he’s flying!
There’s a skunky cloud in the air
‘Cause it’s always 4:20 somewherrrrre
Department Head: Alright, sport-monkey. There’s a laser-ray threatening to destroy the satellite in space that controls ALL communications.
Agent 420: Wait, wait… dude… hold on. [ he snickers ] There’s a satellite in space that controls communication? Whoa! You’re blowing my mind!
Department Head: Right. Uh, the good news is we think we know the exact location of Dr. Huang’s laser. It’s here. [ he taps that portion of the desk map ]
Agent 420: The table?
Department Head: No, this is a map.
Agent 420: Oh. The laser’s in the map.
Department Head: No, no, no. Look where I’m pointing, right here.
Agent 420: Oh, the laser’s in your finger.
Department Head: No, no! It’s located at this point on Earth!
Agent 420: Oh. Oh! Gotcha! [ a beat ] Wait… what?
Department Head: Just get to Dr. Huang’s secret lair and dismantle the laser, okay? [ Agent 420 nods ] Here’s a briefcase with al lthe information you need. [ he hands Agent 420 the briefcase ] Just be sure it doesn’t fall into the wrong hands.
Agent 420: Ah, cool. Wait — who do I give it to?
Department Head: No one! Just get moving! Your flight leaves in 0800 hours! Godspeed, Agent 420!
Agent 420: Right! [ he salutes before exiting ] [ dissolve to toy plane cutting a path down past Europe and Africa on a map ] [ dissolve to Agent 420 sitting in an outer office at MI6, with several discarded pizza boxes on a table as he plays with a Slinky ] [ Department Head enters ]
Department Head: Agent 420! You were supposed to catch an eight o’clock flight!
Agent 420: Uh… no, no, dude, you said, uh… 0800 hours! [ looks at his watch ] I’ve got, like, uh… uh… 792 hours to go.
Department Head: Let’s go, you’ll catch the next one!
Agent 420: Awww, oh, okay. [ he stuffs bags of weed into his pants ]
Department Head: What are you doing?
Agent 420: I gotta crotch my stash, man, get past airport security.
Department Head: 420! [ hands him his briefcase ]
Agent 420: Right! Don’t worry, man, I won’t let you down!
Department Head: Alright. [ Agent 420 exits ] And don’t reveal to anyone that you’re a secret agent!![ dissolve again to toy plane cutting a path down past Europe and Africa on a map ] [ dissolve to a mountain setting, Dr. Huang’s Secret Island ] [ dissolve to Dr. Huang’s guards dragging Agent 420 through the lair ]
Guard 1: Hey, we caught this guy playing hackeysack outside the lair![ they shackle him to a stone wall ]
Guard 2: Yeah! He immediately revealed that he was a secret agent!
Agent 420: Did I say that? I meant, I’m a, uh, uh… the pizza delivery guy!
Guard 1: What should we do, Dr. Huang?[ Agent 420 snickers loudly ]
Dr. Huang: What is so funny?
Agent 420: I… I just realized that your name is Dr. Wang! [ he laughs ]
Dr. Huang: [ mocking ] Ah, ha ha ha ha ha ha! But, now — [ he opens Agent 420’s briefcase and pulls out the hackeysack gear ] we have ALL the secrets! [ he laughs nefariously ] Wait! It is just two hackeysacks and a rain stick!
Agent 420: Wait! Wait! Dude, don’t touch that! You don’t know how to use it.[ Dr. Huang turns the rainstick on its side, as the contents slide in that direction ]
Agent 420: Ohhh. You figured it out. Good work, Dr… Wang! [ he laughs ]
Dr. Huang: That’s it! Activate the laser![ the laser, pointed at Agent 420’s crotch, lights up. His weed stash begins to smoke and burn. ]
Guard 2: Hey, what’s that smell?
Guard 1: Is someone burning incense?
Agent 420: No! The laser’s burning my stash!
Dr. Huang: Your what?[ dissolve to exterior mountain shot, with SUPER: “Dr. Huang’s Secret Island, Five Minutes Later” ] [ dissolve back to interior lair, as Agent 420, Dr. Huang and his guard stand amid the pot smoke chilling ]
Agent 420: It’s crazy, man… there’s, like, this satellite… in SPACE! And it’s, like, beaming these signals into people’s BRAIN![ Dr. Huang and his guards ooh with astonishment ]
Agent 420: Yeah!
Guard 2: Hey, should we turn off that laser?
Agent 420: No, I’m sure it’s fine.[ dissolve to end credits ]
Dancer: “‘Cause it’s always 4:20 somewherrrrrrre!!”[ cut to Dr. Huang’s Secret Island exploding ] [ fade ]