SNL Transcripts: James Franco: 09/20/08: Agent 420

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 2

08b: James Franco / Kings of Leon

Agent 420

Bill Hader…..Department Head
Jason Sudeikis…..Aide
Agent 420…..James Franco
Dancer…..Kristen Wiig
Dr. Huang…..Fred Armisen
Guard 1…..Will Forte
Guard 2…..Andy Samberg

[ open on exterior, MI6 Secret Intelligence Service ] [ dissolve to interior, Department Head’s office ]

Department Head: So, our worst fears have been realized?

Aide: I’m afraid so. It appears Dr. Huang has pointed a high-intensity laser-ray directly at the new Extel communications satellite.

Department Head: If he takes out that satellite, it would cripple the world finiancial market. Dozens, maybe hundreds, of banks would shut down.

Aide: Impossible!!

Department Head: The market could be down 500 points one day, then up 300 the next.

Aide: Good God!!

Department Head: We’re talking total financial chaos. There’s only one man for this job. Get me 007!

[ “James Bond Theme” sting ]

Aide: He’s busy.

Department Head: Oh. Uhhhh… then, get me 008.

Aide: He’s busy, too.

Department Head: 09?

Aide: His wife just had a baby.

Department Head: What about 103?

Aide: All the 100’s are at Six Flags for a corporate retreat.

Department Head: 200’s?

Aide: Nope!

Department Head: 300’s?

Aide: Jammed.

Department Head: Then, who’s left?

Aide: We have one agent on loan from Langley. They call him… Agent 420.

Voice: You called?

[ cut to Agent 420’s clean-cut shoes. Fast pan up his clean-cut tuxedo, until we reach his head, which is covered in long, blond hair and a headband. He blows a stream of pot smoke from his mouth and chokes.]

Agent 420: So…

[ dissolve to opening credits ]

Dancer: [ singing ]“Agent 420
Smoking guns by the plenty
He’s a master of spying
Blazing knobs [?] ’til he’s flying!
There’s a skunky cloud in the air
‘Cause it’s always 4:20 somewherrrrre
Always 4:20
Always 4:20…”

[ dissolve back to Department Head’s office ]

Department Head: Alright, sport-monkey. There’s a laser-ray threatening to destroy the satellite in space that controls ALL communications.

Agent 420: Wait, wait… dude… hold on. [ he snickers ] There’s a satellite in space that controls communication? Whoa! You’re blowing my mind!

Department Head: Right. Uh, the good news is we think we know the exact location of Dr. Huang’s laser. It’s here. [ he taps that portion of the desk map ]

Agent 420: The table?

Department Head: No, this is a map.

Agent 420: Oh. The laser’s in the map.

Department Head: No, no, no. Look where I’m pointing, right here.

Agent 420: Oh, the laser’s in your finger.

Department Head: No, no! It’s located at this point on Earth!

Agent 420: Oh. Oh! Gotcha! [ a beat ] Wait… what?

Department Head: Just get to Dr. Huang’s secret lair and dismantle the laser, okay? [ Agent 420 nods ] Here’s a briefcase with al lthe information you need. [ he hands Agent 420 the briefcase ] Just be sure it doesn’t fall into the wrong hands.

Agent 420: Ah, cool. Wait — who do I give it to?

Department Head: No one! Just get moving! Your flight leaves in 0800 hours! Godspeed, Agent 420!

Agent 420: Right! [ he salutes before exiting ] [ dissolve to toy plane cutting a path down past Europe and Africa on a map ] [ dissolve to Agent 420 sitting in an outer office at MI6, with several discarded pizza boxes on a table as he plays with a Slinky ] [ Department Head enters ]

Department Head: Agent 420! You were supposed to catch an eight o’clock flight!

Agent 420: Uh… no, no, dude, you said, uh… 0800 hours! [ looks at his watch ] I’ve got, like, uh… uh… 792 hours to go.

Department Head: Let’s go, you’ll catch the next one!

Agent 420: Awww, oh, okay. [ he stuffs bags of weed into his pants ]

Department Head: What are you doing?

Agent 420: I gotta crotch my stash, man, get past airport security.

Department Head: 420! [ hands him his briefcase ]

Agent 420: Right! Don’t worry, man, I won’t let you down!

Department Head: Alright. [ Agent 420 exits ] And don’t reveal to anyone that you’re a secret agent!!

[ dissolve again to toy plane cutting a path down past Europe and Africa on a map ] [ dissolve to a mountain setting, Dr. Huang’s Secret Island ] [ dissolve to Dr. Huang’s guards dragging Agent 420 through the lair ]

Guard 1: Hey, we caught this guy playing hackeysack outside the lair!

[ they shackle him to a stone wall ]

Guard 2: Yeah! He immediately revealed that he was a secret agent!

Agent 420: Did I say that? I meant, I’m a, uh, uh… the pizza delivery guy!

Guard 1: What should we do, Dr. Huang?

[ Agent 420 snickers loudly ]

Dr. Huang: What is so funny?

Agent 420: I… I just realized that your name is Dr. Wang! [ he laughs ]

Dr. Huang: [ mocking ] Ah, ha ha ha ha ha ha! But, now — [ he opens Agent 420’s briefcase and pulls out the hackeysack gear ] we have ALL the secrets! [ he laughs nefariously ] Wait! It is just two hackeysacks and a rain stick!

Agent 420: Wait! Wait! Dude, don’t touch that! You don’t know how to use it.

[ Dr. Huang turns the rainstick on its side, as the contents slide in that direction ]

Agent 420: Ohhh. You figured it out. Good work, Dr… Wang! [ he laughs ]

Dr. Huang: That’s it! Activate the laser!

[ the laser, pointed at Agent 420’s crotch, lights up. His weed stash begins to smoke and burn. ]

Guard 2: Hey, what’s that smell?

Guard 1: Is someone burning incense?

Agent 420: No! The laser’s burning my stash!

Dr. Huang: Your what?

[ dissolve to exterior mountain shot, with SUPER: “Dr. Huang’s Secret Island, Five Minutes Later” ] [ dissolve back to interior lair, as Agent 420, Dr. Huang and his guard stand amid the pot smoke chilling ]

Agent 420: It’s crazy, man… there’s, like, this satellite… in SPACE! And it’s, like, beaming these signals into people’s BRAIN!

[ Dr. Huang and his guards ooh with astonishment ]

Agent 420: Yeah!

Guard 2: Hey, should we turn off that laser?

Agent 420: No, I’m sure it’s fine.

[ dissolve to end credits ]

Dancer: “‘Cause it’s always 4:20 somewherrrrrrre!!”

[ cut to Dr. Huang’s Secret Island exploding ] [ fade ]

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