Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 2
The Cougar Den
Deidre Nicks….Amy Poehler
Jacqueline Seka….Kristen Wiig
Toni Ward….Casey Wilson
Kiki Deamore….Cameron Diaz
(Opens with Santana´s hit “Smooth” playing and the cougars from The Cougar Den dance with some difficulty.)
Caption: The Cougar Den
(logo is scratched)
Announcer: Its time for The Cougar Den with Deidre Nicks, Toni Ward and Jacqueline Seka.
All three: Whoo, oooh, oohhh.
(Song fades, the over 50 trio sit down)
(All three cougars have very deep voices)
Deidre Nicks: Welcome to The Cougar Den. I´m Deidre Nicks and to my left are two of my best friends, Jacqueline and Toni.
Jacqueline and Toni: Hi-i-i.
Deidre Nicks: Now, we met at a Boz Scaggs concert as you know. It seems like 30 years ago.
Toni Ward: Because it has.
Deidre Nicks: So, what did you do this weekend Jacqueline?
Jacqueline Seka: The usual, I hung out at David and Busters near the “Dance, Dance Revolution” game where I met Toshiro.
Deidre Nicks: How did it go?
Jacqueline Seka: Great. I met Toshiro, a 19 year old from the island of Japan.
Deidre Nicks: How´s that going?
Jacqueline Seka: He´s smart, very focused in bed and unfortunately looks better in my skinny jeans than I do.
Toni Ward: Come on, Jackie. You know you can rock out a skinny jean.
Jacqueline Seka: Deidre, you didn´t tell me you got a new ankle tat.
Deidre Nicks: Oh, I didn´t. I broke a spider vein when I hit the brakes too hard in my Miata. I thought I saw the Jonas Brothers outside Big Berry. Bellini break!
Jacqueline Seka: Bellini break!
Toni Ward: Bellini break!
(They pick up their drinks and toast)
Deidre Nicks: Cheers.
Jacqueline Seka: Cheers.
Toni Ward: Cheers.
Jacqueline Seka: I think the champagne in this Bellini is flat.
Deidre Nicks: It taste flat, it does.
Toni Ward: Is the champagne flat, Kenneth?
Deidre Nicks: Kenneth, Kenneth, why is the champagne flat?
Jacqueline Seka: Is it flat?
Toni Ward: Why is it flat?
(Kenneth is an old black man with gray hair and mustache. He´s the show´s director, headphones on, clipboard on hand)
Kenneth: (angry) It’s flat because you opened it at 9:00 a.m. this morning! (turns his back)
All: Thank you, Kenneth.
Deidre Nicks: Well, our first guest is our good friend and our favorite little Cuban cougar, Kiki Deamore!
(Latin music beat plays. Cougar roars. Kiki comes out with her big ass and wild blonde hair. She dances and bumps hips with Toni a few times. Music fades, they sit down)
Kiki Deamore: Hola chicas! Como estan?
Deidre Nicks: Oh, you look great Kiki.
Kiki Deamore: Gracias.
Deidre Nicks: Oh, what have you done? Did you take your butt fat and inject it into your lips?
Kiki Deamore: No. I am wearing a new make-up. Its for the cougars. Its called “Hide your face”.
Toni Ward: I need that.
Kiki Deamore: And you put it on with this little shovel. (Opens compact and demonstrates how to apply) The spackle, you put it all on.
Jacqueline Seka: Okay.
Deidre Nicks: Yeah.
Toni Ward: I need that. I need it.
Kiki Deamore: But you know, you don´t put it on–you got to be very careful ok, because you can´t get it in your eyes, your nose or your mouths.
Deidre Nicks: Oh, yeah.
Kiki Deamore: Its very toxic.
Jacqueline Seka: So basically….basically, everywhere in your face.
Toni Ward: Yeah.
Kiki Deamore: Si.
Deidre Nicks: Well, that sounds great. Kiki, Kiki, I hear you have a new bag of cougar nip?
Kiki Deamore: Yes, I do. He´s in a band.
Deidre Nicks: Ah, he´s in a band? Oh, let´s bring him out. Let´s welcome this boy, Madison.
(Latin beat plays, cougars dance with difficulty. Enters Emo Madison, all dressed in black, black glove, black hair, head hanging down low, sits next to Kiki who is all over him)
Kiki Deamore: He´s so cute! Darling, purr for me! Purr, come on, darling purr, purr, come on darling! purrr-r-r.
(Madison eyes closed just blows air flapping his lips a little)
Kiki Deamore: Oh, see, he´s so cute!
Jacqueline Seka: Yeah.
Deidre Nicks: Adorable.
Toni Ward: Yeah.
Deidre Nicks: So, Madison what is the name of your band?
Madison: We´re called “Edge of Confusion”.
Jacqueline Seka: I get that, I get that.
Toni Ward: Edgy, edgy.
Deidre Nicks: Take your shirt off.
Toni Ward: So, Madison do you sing songs about secretly wanting to see older women in their shapewear?
Madison: No. Most of my songs are about staying out of my room, not standing outside the door of my room and not texting me if I´ve been in my room for a very long time. I also got one song about how dorky archery is.
Deidre Nicks: Sure, it makes sense. Would you like to sing one?
(Madison gets up and sings his semi-punk rock tune)
Madison:(sings) Hey, mom! Get out…of my…bedroom…I need… some space(Cougars dance robotically to the punkish beat) to triangulate my misplaced emotionality! (Kiki dances some) My dreams…dark box (Kenneth looks surprised) Dad screams…botox…about…leaving…this cage and flying very, very far away.
(tune ends, Madison sits)
Jacqueline Seka: This lyrics, gave me chills.
Madison: Thank you very much.
Toni Ward: You have an Eddie Money sound.
Madison: I have no idea what that means.
Deidre Nicks: So, how did you guys meet?
Kiki Deamore: At “Urban Outfitters”.
Madison: I was buying a belt.
Kiki Deamore: And I was following him.
Deidre Nicks: So, Madison, what do you feel is most important in a relationship?
Madison: Well, some of my friends are like, you know, there has to be a spiritual connection but I´m all about the sex.
(The three cougars cross their legs at the same time)
Kiki Deamore: He has a lot of stamina in bed.
Toni Ward: What´s your secret?
Madison: I´m young.
Deidre Nicks: Yeah, yeah…
Toni Ward: Yeah.
Deidre Nicks: That´s good. You know what I´ve just read in “More” magazine? A woman´s sexual peak is when she´s in her 50´s. Have you heard that Kenneth?
Toni Ward: Kenneth?
Kenneth: It may be the sexual peak but it is definitely the beauty trench.
(Looks back and forth between the cougars and Kenneth)
Jacqueline Seka: So, Madison are there any more hot peeps in your band?
Madison: There´s four of us.
Kiki Deamore: There´s cuatro. Muy caliente! Yi, yi, yi, yi! (shakes her boobs)
Jacqueline Seka: Say I knew somebody who had some money from a third marriage and she wanted to back your band. Would maybe your drummer be interested in a strings-attached relationship?
Madison: What do she looks like?
Jacqueline Seka: How do I put this? She looks like me.
Madison: You mind if I take a closer look?
Jacqueline Seka: Not at all.
(Madison barely moves from his chair)
Deidre Nicks: Xanax break! Xanax break.
(takes pills, shares them with the cougars)
Toni Ward: To feeling dead inside.
Deidre Nicks: To not feeling feely, to not feeling feely. Madison? Xanax?
Kiki Deamore: I´ll take his.
(Deidre throws a handful to Kiki and she gobbles them up)
Madison: You know, there´s one thing I super-love about older women.
Deidre Nicks: Tell us.
Toni Ward: Tell us.
Jacqueline Seka: I´m listening.
Madison: Well, I´m freaky this way but I love a big old pair of saggy boobies.
(Makes hand gestures like he´s fondling big saggy boobies)
Deidre Nicks: Join us next week when Hulk Hogan´s wife will be showing us how to make brownies with brandy.
(Santana´s “Smooth” plays.)
(Logo The Cougar Den)
(Cheers and applause)
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel