Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 2
James and Willam Dafoe
Willem Dafoe…..Bill Hader
[ open inside Franco’s dressing room. He studies a script as Casey Wilson enters ]
Casey Wilson: Hi, James!
James Franco: [ looking up ] Oh, hi, Casey.
Casey Wilson: I hate to bother you… but would you mind signing this “Spider-Man” DVD?
James Franco: Oh, sure.
Casey Wilson: It’s for my Mom, she’s a huge fan… of… Willem Dafoe.
James Franco: [ as he autographs the DVD ] Oh… okay. Here you go.
Casey Wilson: Thanks! I’ll see you out there! [ she exits the dressing room ]
[ a maniacal laugh can be heard over Franco’s left shoulder ]
James Franco: Hello?
[ the dressing room dims ]
James Franco: Who’s there?!
Willem Dafoe: It’s me, James! [ Franco turns to face the man in his mirror ] Willem Dafoe. You look surprised to see me!
James Franco: [ rubbing his eyes] I must be seeing things, uh — the pressure of the show is getting to me…
Willem Dafoe: Yeah, it must be real tough wearing wigs and aquinting at cue cards for ninety minutes. [ he lets out another maniacal laugh ]
James Franco: What do you WANT from me?!
Willem Dafoe: [ sinister ] I want you to KILL Spider-Man!
James Franco: What? Spider-Man’s a fictional character!
Willem Dafoe: I’m sorry, did I say Spider-Man? I meant Samberg! I want you to KILL Andy Samberg!
James Franco: Andy? Why?
Willem Dafoe: I’ll tell you why: we did a movie together, and I had to share a limo with him. And he kept popping his head out of the moon roof and screaming, “Woo-ooh, look at me! I’m in a ca-arrr!!” The guy’s a Grade-A chooch!
James Franco: I’m not gonna KILL him!
Willem Dafoe: James… I played your father in a movie. You OWE me!
James Franco: I won’t do it!! He’s my BEST FRIEND!!
Willem Dafoe: [ angered ] HOW DARE — [ he drops his voice ] Wait. He’s your best friend? Really?
James Franco: Well… maybe not BEST friend! He’s… A friend! We met on Monday. WHATEVER!! He’s FINE!! I’m not gonna KILL Andy Samberg!!
[ Andy Samberg enters the dressing room, smiling ]
Andy Samberg: Hey, James!
James Franco: [ nervous ] Andy!
Andy Samberg: Hey! You want to see my impression of Willem Dafoe? “Hi, I’m Willem Dafoe! I was in ‘Mississippi Burning’, remember! Bloop-blippity-bloop-bloop! La-terrr!!” [ he exits the dressing room ]
James Franco: You see what I’m talking about?! You don’t need a road map to know that guy deserves to DIIIEE!! Avenge me!
[ music sting ]
James Franco: NO!!! YOU’RE NOT REAL!!!
Willem Dafoe: AVENGE MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
James Franco: NO!!!
[ Franco throws a coffee cup at the mirror, but it bounces off of Dafoe’s face ]
Willem Dafoe: OWWW!! OWW!!! What gives?!
James Franco: I’m sorry!! I — I — I thought there was a mirror there!
Willem Dafoe: No, I took it out! How else could I GET back here?!
James Franco: Willem, look! I-I-I-I gotta go, I’m late for my next sketch!
Willem Dafoe: James!! Get back here!! I’m Williem Dafoe!! I was in “Mississippi Burning”, remember!! [ proving Samberg’s impression correct: ] Bloop-blippity-bloop-bloop!! La-terrr!!
[ fade ]