SNL Transcripts: James Franco: 09/20/08: James and Willam Dafoe

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 2

08b: James Franco / Kings of Leon

James and Willam Dafoe

…..Casey Wilson
…..James Franco
Willem Dafoe…..Bill Hader
…..Andy Samberg

[ open inside Franco’s dressing room. He studies a script as Casey Wilson enters ]

Casey Wilson: Hi, James!

James Franco: [ looking up ] Oh, hi, Casey.

Casey Wilson: I hate to bother you… but would you mind signing this “Spider-Man” DVD?

James Franco: Oh, sure.

Casey Wilson: It’s for my Mom, she’s a huge fan… of… Willem Dafoe.

James Franco: [ as he autographs the DVD ] Oh… okay. Here you go.

Casey Wilson: Thanks! I’ll see you out there! [ she exits the dressing room ] [ a maniacal laugh can be heard over Franco’s left shoulder ]

James Franco: Hello?

[ the dressing room dims ]

James Franco: Who’s there?!

Willem Dafoe: It’s me, James! [ Franco turns to face the man in his mirror ] Willem Dafoe. You look surprised to see me!

James Franco: [ rubbing his eyes] I must be seeing things, uh — the pressure of the show is getting to me…

Willem Dafoe: Yeah, it must be real tough wearing wigs and aquinting at cue cards for ninety minutes. [ he lets out another maniacal laugh ]

James Franco: What do you WANT from me?!

Willem Dafoe: [ sinister ] I want you to KILL Spider-Man!

James Franco: What? Spider-Man’s a fictional character!

Willem Dafoe: I’m sorry, did I say Spider-Man? I meant Samberg! I want you to KILL Andy Samberg!

James Franco: Andy? Why?

Willem Dafoe: I’ll tell you why: we did a movie together, and I had to share a limo with him. And he kept popping his head out of the moon roof and screaming, “Woo-ooh, look at me! I’m in a ca-arrr!!” The guy’s a Grade-A chooch!

James Franco: I’m not gonna KILL him!

Willem Dafoe: James… I played your father in a movie. You OWE me!

James Franco: I won’t do it!! He’s my BEST FRIEND!!

Willem Dafoe: [ angered ] HOW DARE — [ he drops his voice ] Wait. He’s your best friend? Really?

James Franco: Well… maybe not BEST friend! He’s… A friend! We met on Monday. WHATEVER!! He’s FINE!! I’m not gonna KILL Andy Samberg!!

[ Andy Samberg enters the dressing room, smiling ]

Andy Samberg: Hey, James!

James Franco: [ nervous ] Andy!

Andy Samberg: Hey! You want to see my impression of Willem Dafoe? “Hi, I’m Willem Dafoe! I was in ‘Mississippi Burning’, remember! Bloop-blippity-bloop-bloop! La-terrr!!” [ he exits the dressing room ]

James Franco: You see what I’m talking about?! You don’t need a road map to know that guy deserves to DIIIEE!! Avenge me!

[ music sting ]

James Franco: NO!!! YOU’RE NOT REAL!!!


James Franco: NO!!!

[ Franco throws a coffee cup at the mirror, but it bounces off of Dafoe’s face ]

Willem Dafoe: OWWW!! OWW!!! What gives?!

James Franco: I’m sorry!! I — I — I thought there was a mirror there!

Willem Dafoe: No, I took it out! How else could I GET back here?!

James Franco: Willem, look! I-I-I-I gotta go, I’m late for my next sketch!

Willem Dafoe: James!! Get back here!! I’m Williem Dafoe!! I was in “Mississippi Burning”, remember!! [ proving Samberg’s impression correct: ] Bloop-blippity-bloop-bloop!! La-terrr!!

[ fade ]

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