Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 2
Written by: Seth Meyers, with Al Franken
Executive 1…..Kristen Wiig
Sen. John McCain…..Darrell Hammond
Executive 2…..Jason Sudeikis
Ken Lewis…..Bill Hader
[ open on exterior, Washington, D.C. ] [ dissolve to exterior, Aquarius Sound Recording studio ]
Executive 1 V/O: Sen. McCain, thanks for stopping by.[ dissolve to interior, recording studio, where Sen. John McCain stands between two executives ]
Sen. John McCain: My friends, I wouldn’t miss it. Recording TV ads is an essential part of the campaign.
Executive 2: As we explained, Senator, we already have a recording of you approving ads.
Sen. John McCain: Well, I know. But we’ve been using it on so many ads, I was worried the tape spools might be scratched, or warped.
Executive 1: Oh. Well, we actually recorded that digitally, Senator.
Sen. John McCain: [ confused ] Digitally? With your fingers?
Executive 2: [ scoffs lightly ] No, sir, it’s a new technology.
Sen. John McCain: [ still confused ] You mean, like 8-track?
Executive 1: [ a beat ] You know what? Let’s just record some.
Executive 2: [ points to Voiceover guy ] Uh, this is Ken Lewis.
Sen. John McCain: Hi, friend. [ they shake hands ]
Executive 2: Uh, he’ll be reading the main body of the ad text. He’s a little bit of a legend around here, for having the most sarcastic voice in the world of campaign ads.
Ken Lewis: [ sarcastically ] Thanks, Doug! That means… the worrrld… to me!
Executive 2: [ chuckles ] Wow! I can’t even tell if he means that!
Executive 1: Are you ready to go?
Sen. John McCain: I’m ready to go, yes, but, let me stress, the goal of these ads are not olny to support my campaign, but also to raise the level of the integrity and the political discourse, my friends. THAT was my promise to America!
Executive 1: Well, that’s so great to hear! Let’s do it!
Ken Lewis: Barack Obama says he wants universal health care. Is that so? Health care for the entiiiire universe? Including Osama bin Laden? I think we’ll passss No way. No how. No-bama!
Sen. John McCain: My friends, can I ask a question?
Executive 1: Of course.
Sen. John McCain: Is this ad true?
Executive 1: Well, “universal” has more than one meaning. We’ve taken it to mean “the entire universe”.
Sen. John McCain: Works for me. [ into the microphone ] I’m John McCain. I approved this message.
Executive 2: Great! Let’s do the next one![ music sting ]
Ken Lewis: Barack Obama plays basketball. Charles Barkley plays basketball. Is Charles Barkely qualified to run our economy? He gambled millions away in Las Vegas. Don’t let Barack Obama gamble with our economy. No way. No how. No-Charack-Obarkley!
Sen. John McCain: Excuse me?
Executive 1: Yes?
Sen. John McCain: Are those facts accurate?
Executive 1: Yes. The senator does play basketball… Charles Barkley also plays basketball… Charles Barkley lost money in Vegas.
Sen. John McCain: I can’t argue with facts. [ into the microphone ] I’m John McCain. I approved this message.
Executive 1: You’re doing great, Senator!
Sen. John McCain: It’s exciting!
Executive 1: It is ! And can I just say how excited I am about Sarah Palin?
Sen. John McCain: Oh, yeah. She’s something, isn’t she?
Executive 2: Yeah, she’s brought so much energy into the campaign! Ken loves her! Isn’t that right, Ken?
Ken Lewis: You bet I do! She has sooo much experrrience!
Executive 2: So, now, we’re gonna do some, you know, quick, five-second radio spots. One after the other.
Sen. John McCain: Sounds good.
Ken Lewis: Obama supports tax cuts for pedophiles.
Sen. John McCain: Does he?
Executive 1: Well… there’s no way to identify ALL pedophiles, but chances are, if you cut taxes, it’s gonna benefit at least a couple of them.
Sen. John McCain: [ into the microphone, somewhat relunctantly ] I’m John McCain. I approved this message.
Ken Lewis: Barack Obama has fathered TWO black children IN WEDLOCK!
Sen. John McCain: My friends, I must say, that reminds me of an attack George Bush made on me in, uh, 2000.
Executive 1: He won that election, right?
Sen. John McCain: [ into the microphone ] I’m John McCain. I approved this message.
Executive 2: And then, this last TV ad has no dialogue. It’s just a hip-hop track with fast cuts back and forth between Obama, Pac Man Jones, Ludacris, Michael Vick, Marion Berry, Al Sharpton, O.J. Simpson, ex-Detroit mayor Kwame Kilpatrick, five minutes of that, uh, Check Berry video, a bunch of blonde strippers, the monster from “Predator”, and, then, Mohamed Atta!
Sen. John McCain: [ confused ] What is that one trying to say?
Executive 2: Ah, you know, it’s not really trying to say anything. people make of it what they will.
Sen. John McCain: [ to Executive 1 ] Do you think it’s fair?
Executive 1: I do.
Sen. John McCain: And what about you, Ken?
Ken Lewis: That’s the fairest thing I’ve ever heard!
Sen. John McCain: In that case: [ into the camera ] I’m John McCain… “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night”!