SNL Transcripts: James Franco: 09/20/08: James Franco’s Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 2

08b: James Franco / Kings of Leon

James Franco’s Monologue

…..James Franco
Ken Wo…..?
Craig the R.A……Jason Sudeikis

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — James Franco!

James Franco: Thank you! Thank you very much! Thank you. It’s great to be hosting “SNL”, here in New York City. I actually live here now. [ the audience cheers ] Some of you may have read, I just enrolled as a student at Columbia University. And… well, I wanted a break from Hollywood, and… just, you know, have the regular college experience. So, for now, I’m not movie star James Franco; I’m just new Columbia student James Franco… the movie star. I’m like any other kid on campus. See, here’s my I.D. — everyone looks bad in these pictures.

[ cut to Franco’s I.D., in which he’s posed as though on the cover of a gossip magazine ]

James Franco: I got a great roommate, named Ken Wo. He’s a Bio-chem major. He’s here tonight.

[ cut to Ken Wo seated in the audience; he waves shyly ]

James Franco: You know, we have our arguments… he, you know, prints out homework while I’m trying to sleep, and I threw away his bed so my publicist could have a desk. But my semester’s off to a great start.

[ Franco’s R.A. runs up on stage ]

Craig the R.A.: Hey, James! Man, I’ve been looking all over the quad for ya’!

James Franco: Oh… hey. Craig. My R.A.

Craig the R.A.: Yeah! [ he waves to the audience ] What’s up? Hey, listen, my man, I don’t mean to blow up your spot, but why weren’t you at Orientation this morning?

James Franco: Aw, I’m so sorry, Craig, uh, I had to rehearse for the show! What did I miss?

Craig the R.A.: Oh, a lot! A LOT, man! We watched a great video about Diversity, called “Choices”.

James Franco: Oh.

Craig the R.A.: Yeah! Then people asked me questions, you know, like: “Where’s the cafeteria?” “Are hotplates allowed?” “Why is James Franco on campus?” One that I got was, “Hey, Craig, why is James Franco talking to your girlfriend Colleen so much?”

James Franco: Ohhh. Is Colleen your girlfriend?

Craig the R.A.: Yeah! Yeah.

James Franco: Oh. She came by my room, late last night, and said she was lost.

Craig the R.A.: [ stunned ] Well, that’s weird. Yeah, she’s a… campus tour guide.

James Franco: Oh.

Craig the R.A.: Well, look, man — hey, look — I know what it’s like to be the cool dude on campus.

James Franco: Yeah.

Craig the R.A.: Yeah, I can’t step fot in Java the Cup without people saying, “Hey, man! There’s that guy who beatboxes for the Funktones!” [ he gives himself a thumbs-up ]

James Franco: Who? Who are the Funktones?

Craig the R.A.: We’re the school’s most popular, no tryout, non-lesbian, a capella group!

James Franco: Sounds great.

Craig the R.A.: Yeah, don’t patronize me, James!

James Franco: Okay.

Craig the R.A.: Come on, man! Until you moved into Livingston Hall, I was Top Dog! It was just ME and a bunch of dorks like Ken Wo!

[ cut to Ken Wo in the audience, looking perturbed ]

Craig the R.A.: My bad. My bad, K-Wo. That’s my bad. [ turns back to Franco ] Seriously, man, how long do I have until you have sex with my girlfriend? [ Franco silently looks to the floor ] AW, COME ON!!

James Franco: Look, Craig, I — I feel like we got off on the wrong foot. I mean, is there anything I can do to smooth things over?

Craig the R.A.: [ whispering ] Let me — let me plug my gig, Franco.

James Franco: Okay.

Craig the R.A.: Yeah?

James Franco: Yeah.

Craig the R.A.: Yeah? Alright! [ to the audience ] Hey, the Funktones are having their Fall jam tomorrow night at Cafe 2-1-2! Yeah! Spoken-word poet, Tolerance, will be there. Tickets are still available — every single one of them.

James Franco: And we also have a great show coming up — Kings of Leon are here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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