Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 2
O.J. Simpson Jury Selection
Judge Jackie Glass…..Casey Wilson
O.J. Simpson…..Kenan Thompson
Gabriel Grasso…..Bill Hader
Juror #1…..Will Forte
Juror #2…..James Franco
Juror #3…..Fred Armisen
Juror #4…..Kristen Wiig
Professor Davenport…..Bobby Moynihan
Juror $5…..Andy Samberg
Juror #6…..Jason Sudeikis
[ open on exterior, courthouse ] [ SUPER: “Jury Selection, O.J. Simpson Robbery Trial, September 12, 2008” ] [ sound effect: gavel banging ] [ dissolve to interior, courtroom ]
Judge Jackie Glass: Now, Counselor! It — it wasn’t easy, but after a three-month search and thousands of interviews, we were finally able to collect twelve unbiased jurors. These men and women have NO knowledge of O.J. Simpson or the past events of his life.
Gabriel Grasso: Your Honor, I find that hard to believe. I’d like to question these potential jurors one last time.[ O.J. pats him on the back as he rises ]
Judge Jackie Glass: Very well, Counselor.
Gabriel Grasso: Juror #1: how is it possible that you’ve “never” heard of O.J. Simpson?
Juror #1: Well, as I explained… I just awoke from a 22-year coma, and… was driven directly from the hospital to this courthouse.
Gabriel Grasso: [ smiles ] Very well! He’s acceptable, Your Honor. [ she nods ]
Juror #1: Is there any way I can see my family?
Gabriel Grasso: After the trial. Juror #2: please state your name.
Juror #2: Uhhh… I can’t remember… they told me I was in an accident…
Gabriel Grasso: Do you remember anything?
Juror #2: Yeah. I remember thinking… “Hey, it’s hot out here… I’d better take off this hardhat to cool off…” And then there was a whooshing sound… like a box of wrenches falling through the air. Then, blackness… and when I woke up I was in this jury box.
Gabriel Grasso: So, you have no knowledge of O.J. Simpson?
Juror #2: [ alarmed ] Oh, my God!! Am I O.J. Simpson?!! Am I that horrible murderer?!!
Gabriel Grasso: Your Honor!!
Judge Jackie Glass: Juror #2, you’re dismissed!
Juror #2: Seriously, though: AM I?!!!
Gabriel Grasso: [ annoyed ] NO! Juror #3: it says here that you were locked inside a bomb shelter from 1967 until this morning.
Juror #3: [ still dressed in 1967-era fashions ] That’s correct.
Gabriel Grasso: Great! Now… have you ever heard of O.J. Simpson?
Juror #3: O.J. Simpson… wait! Yes, isn’t he that running back from USC who won the Heisman Trophy?[ O.J. waves a thumbs-up ]
Gabriel Grasso: He sure is!
Juror #3: [ cheerfully ] And he murdered that lady, right?
Gabriel Grasso: Come on!!! I thought you were in a bomb shelter?!
Juror #3: Well, yeah, but he’s O.J.!
Judge Jackie Glass: Dismissed!
Gabriel Grasso: Alright. Juror #4?[a woman with wild, frizzy hair responds by making weird grunting noises ]
Gabriel Grasso: [ confused ] Your Honor…?
Professor Davenport: Perhaps I can explain. My name is Professor Davenport, and I just discovered this woman in the Arctic tundra. She was raised by wolves and has no knowledge of human language or culture.
Gabriel Grasso: [ he smiles ] Excellent![ Juror #4 barks ferociously ]
Gabriel Grasso: Wait… what does that barking mean?
Professor Davenport: It means she smells a murderer.
O.J. Simpson: Ohhhh, man!
Judge Jackie Glass: Dismissed.
Gabriel Grasso: Juror #5, uh, where are you from, originally?
Juror #5: [ a space alien ] Zorbanos. It’s a gaseous planet near the Hexadron Galaxy.
Gabriel Grasso: Have you ever visited Earth before?
Juror #5: No.
Gabriel Grasso: So, twenty minutes ago, you landed on the steps of this courthouse, and you entered the building without speaking to anyone?
Juror #5: Yes.
Gabriel Grasso: Perfect! Now, out of curiosity, why did you come to Earth?
Juror #5: I was sent here to stop O.J. Simpson from murdering those people. I’m not too late, am I?
Gabriel Grasso: Your Honor![ the man seated next to him, with long white hair, turns to face him ]
Juror #6: Hey, Space Dude, you’re WAY too late! He did it, like, TEN years ago!
Gabriel Grasso: Hey! I — I thought you were stranded on a desert island?
Juror #6: I was! But this book washed up on shore. [ he holds up a copy of “If I Did It” ]
O.J. Simpson: [ chuckling ] Hey, man! That’s my book: “I Did It”!
Juror #6: [ looks at the cover ] Don’t you mean, “IF I Did It”?
O.J. Simpson: Yeahhh, something like that.
Judge Jackie Glass: Alright, Counselor. We’re adjourned. We’ll try this again tomorrow.[ she slams her gavel and closes the session ] [ fade ]