Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers
Richard Fuld…..Jason Sudeikis
Dov Charney…..Fred Armisen
Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Amy Poehler and Seth Meyers.
Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers.
Amy Poehler: And I’m Amy Poehler, and here are tonight’s top stories:
Hey, guess what! It turns out, the free market… not so free!
Wall Street was hit hard Monday, when Lehman Brothers filed for bankruptcy, Merrill Lynch was sold to Bank of America, and insurance giant AIG neared a collapse of its own. Basically: if your commercials air during golf tournaments, you’re done!
Seth Meyers: Monday was one of the worst days in the history of the Stock Market, with the Dow dropping over 500 points. They should really be more careful about who they get to ring the opening bell. [ image: Grim Reaper ]
Pope Benedict delivered an anti-euthanasia speech this week, saying that people must accept death at the hour chosen by God. And then he rode away in a heavily-armoured, bulletproof car.
Amy Poehler: A top McCain policy adviser claimed, this week, that McCain’s work in the Senate helped create the BlackBerry, saying, “You’re looking at the miracle that John McCain helped create.” He then handed the BlackBerry to McCain, who attempted to withdraw $20 from it.
Seth Meyers: It’s been a terrible week for Wall Street, with several major companies in financial crisis. On Monday, Lehman Brothers filed for bankruptcy — the largest bankruptcy filing in U.S. history. Here to comment on the week, is Lehman Brothers CEO Richard Fuld.[ Fuld steps over draped in a barrel ]
Richard Fuld: Hey, Seth! Amy! Wow, what a week, huh?
Seth Meyers: Hey, uh — hey, Mr. Fuld, I’m really sorry about Lehman Brothers.
Richard Fuld: Awww, that’s okay! Life’s a crazy ride, huh? A lot of ups and downs! One week, you’re tucking in to a $60 steak at Del Monico’s… the next, you find yourself in a Greyhound bus station wrestling a TODDLER for his Lunchables!
Seth Meyers: Well, I’m sorry to hear that.
Richard Fuld: Ahhh, well, I gotta be frank with you, Seth — I’m going a little NUTS here!! [ he laughs maniacally ] A little nuts! Oh, it’s getting so bad all over, huh? I just… awwwww! I mean, we were the first to go, but I don’t know what these other companies are gonna do!
Seth Meyers: Yeah, how do you feel about the bailout?
Richard Fuld: [ perplexed ] What, now?
Seth Meyers: You know, the government plan to bail out companies like AIG, so they won’t face a similar situation like yours.
Richard Fuld: [ stunned ] Really? A bailout?!
Seth Meyers: Yeah. I guess they’re giving out something like $700 billion in federal aid.
Richard Fuld: Nope! No, haven’t heard about that! Oh, wow! Wow! [ he laughs ] Yeah, I guess I haven’t been watching the news lately, because I’ve been BUSY rebottling New York City tapwater and selling it on the street!
Seth Meyers: Didn’t you save, like, any of your money..?
Richard Fuld: Nooooo!! No, no, no, heavens no! No, that’s the ONE thing I did not do, actually! No, I’ve gotta say I’ve made some pretty stupid purchases in my life, you know? NOBODY needs more than ONE hot air balloon! You know? I mean, you THINK you’re gonna get your buddies together to race, but, you know, it just never happens! It doesn’t pan out! Oh, man! Well, when did they announce this bailout thing? When was that?
Seth Meyers: Yeah, they announced it Friday…
Richard Fuld: [ flabbergasted ] FRIDAY?!! I mean, alright. So, if I would have waited four days, I wouldn’t be in THIS mess?
Seth Meyers: Yeah…
Richard Fuld: ‘Cause, I don’t know if you noticed this, Seth, but, uh — I’M WEARING A BARREL!! I’m in a BARELL, big guy!!
Seth Meyers: No, I noticed because you didn’t sit down when you came out!
Richard Fuld: Yeah! Yeah, chairs won’t take me!
Seth Meyers: Yeah.
Richard Fuld: Nope! FOUR DAYS!! Oh, man! You know what I did last night, Seth?
Seth Meyers: No, I —
Richard Fuld: No, I french-kissed a HOMELESS MAN for an Egg McMuffin! Yeah, where’s MY bailout?!
Seth Meyers: Wow. Alright, Richard Fuld, everyone!
Richard Fuld: FOUR DAYS!!
Seth Meyers: Four days.
Amy Poehler: Big trouble. He’s wearing a barrel.
NBC Universal, this week, bought the Weather Channel for $3.5 billion. NBC executives wanted to reach the elusive “Let’s leave the TV on for the dog” demographic.
Seth Meyers: Bill Gates, Warren Buffett, and Lawrence Ellison topped the Forbes list of the top ten richest people in the U.S., having a combined wealth, as of Friday, of nearly $8,000.
“Star Trek”‘s George Takai, and his long-time partner, Brad Ullman, were married this past Sunday. Set your phasers on stunninnnnnngggg!!
The couple vowed to boldly go where no man has gone before — except the both of them with each other many, many times.[ Seth chuckles ]
Seth Meyers: Stunninnnnnngggg!!
Amy Poehler: [ joining in ] Stunning!! [ she bursts out laughing ]
A cat in England has adopted a baby chicken, after it became the sole survivor of a fox attack. Or: a baby chicken laid down kinda near a cat, and a farmer wanted to be on the news!
A new study showed that social networking sites have become more popular than internet pornography sites. So, mixed feelings for the staff over at sit-on-my-facebook.com.
Seth Meyers: The new season of “Dora the Explorer” kicks off next week, and, for the first time since the show’s inception, the character of Dora will have a new voice. Oddly, it’s Rosie Perez’s:[ cut to animated scene from Dora the Explorer ]
Rosie Perez V/O as Dora: We need to find the Kobe River! Oh my God, I’m tired! I’m done exploring, I want a cwoo-kie![ cut back to the news desk ]
Seth Meyers: That seems remarkably less educational![ Amy chuckles ]
Seth Meyers: A man in Michigan stole nearly 250 empty beer cans from a 7-11 store, and then told police that his crack cocaine habit drove him to do it. So they had you on stealing empty cans, and you gave them a major drug charge? That’s like saying: “Sorry about the litter, Officer, I’ve been so distracted ever since I killed my wife!”
Amy Poehler: Dov Charney, CEO of the clothing company American Apparel, is being sued for sexual harrassment for the fifth time. Details of the lawsuit include Mr. Charney using offensive language and parading around in his underwear. Here to talk about that is — oh, boy — Dov Charney. Here we go.[ Dov Charney ambles across the set in skimpy clothing and sits next to Amy ]
Dov Charney: So what?! So what?! What’d I say?
Amy Poehler: Alright, Mr. Charney. Okay. I have to say, Mr. Charney, the details of this suit are incredible. [ Charney stretches his legs over the desk ] Alright…
Dov Charney: Yeah? Such as what, Amy?
Amy Poehler: Okay.
Dov Charney: Go ahead, you can tell me — what’d I do so wrong?
Amy Poehler: Well, um — I’ll tell you. [ she turns her head ] A former employee of yours is claiming that you used offensive language in the workplace.
Dov Charney: Well — who said that? Yuo tell me right now, who said something like that. [ he angles his legs closer to Amy ]
Amy Poehler: Um — someone, uh — someone named Tiffany Freedman.
Dov Charney: Oh, Asspants? Yeah, she’s a slut! [ he hangs his tongue out and bounces in his seat ]
Amy Poehler: Alright, Mr. Charney! It’s probably that kind of language that got you in trouble.
Dov Charney: What’d I say?! Alright, look — give me one, one example of something that’s sexual harrassment.
Amy Poehler: Okay, you put a woman’s size, extra small tank top on your penis, and then referred to your penis as “The Wife Beater”.
Dov Charney: [ proudly ] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! That sounds like me! [he hangs his tongue out ]
Amy Poehler: Okay. Okay. Alright, Mr. Charney… [ Charney gets his legs caught on the desk, causing Amy to laugh ] Alright, come on, don’t do that! Don’t do that!
Dov Charney: What’s the matter? You sluts don’t like that?
Seth Meyers: Hey, stop calling us “sluts”! Alright? Mr. Charney, it’s further alleged that, during a lunch break, you spread your buttocks and told one of your employees: “Hey, it’s for you!” as though your buttocks were a phone.
Dov Charney: Look, hey — look! Hold on! Hold on a minute! [ he stands ] Look. Look. [ he steps over to Seth ] I’m beautiful. Alright? Sex is beautiful. Sluts are beautiful. [ he props one leg on the desk ] And, in order for me to run an effective company, I have to open up a line of physical communication. That’s just the way it is. And you guys think about things like thighs… and butts… and body hair… and boobs… and, you know — no, no, on a serious note —
Seth Meyers: On a serious note?
Dov Charney: No, no, honestly — tank tops, you know… panties, you know… t-shirts, and they got headbands, belts… you know? And if my employees don’t like it, you know what? SUE ME!!
Amy Poehler: Well, they — they don’t like it, and they are suing you.
Dov Charney: Alright, well, you know what? I learned a little something, so I want to thank you very much. It’s very sweet of you to say. Alright, I’m gonna call my lawyers right away.
Amy Poehler: Great.
Dov Charney: Alright?
Amy Poehler: Thank you.[ Charney places his hand on Amy’s breast, and she doesn’t resist ]
Seth Meyers: Amy?
Amy Poehler: Oh. Hey! Stop! Get outta here! Dov Charney, everyone!
Seth Meyers: A dog in France is believed to be the first animal to appear as a witness in a murder inquiry, when he barked furiously at a potential susect during a preliminary hearing. Yet another setback for defendant Paul “Catface” Edwards.
Amy Poehler: You know, Seth, I’m really looking forward to seeing that story on “Paw & Order”.[ Amy motions her finger for a combined sound effect of a dog barking and the “Law & Order” thump ] [ Seth muffles his laughter, then motions his finger to hear the sound effect ] [ Amy again motions her finger to hear the sound effect ]
Amy Poehler: That was fine! [ she motions her finger again for the sound effect, but nothing happens ] Nope. Push it. [ she motions her finger again; nothing, but then comes the sound effect and she laughs ] Better late than never!
To mark Europe’s day of languages, a radio station in Berlin will broadcast its morning show next week entirely in Latin. Which should be fun to listen to for about XV minutes. That’s fifteen minutes.
“Sex in the City” author, Candace Bushnell, is writing a pair of prequel teen novels called “The Carrie Diaries”, that explore Carrie Bradshaw’s formative years in high school. Including how she ditched schol one day and befriended a 40-year old drifter named Samantha.
Seth Meyers: A tailor in Serbia is planning to make a pair of pants that are large enough to fit one hundred men. The story is detailed in the new movie: “The Brotherhood of the Jostling Weiners”.
For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers!
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler. Good night.