SNL Transcripts: Anna Faris: 09/27/08: My Ex-Boyfriend


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 3

08c: Anna Faris / Duffy

My Ex-Boyfriend

Rob…..Jason Sudeikis
Casey…..Casey Wilson
Josh…..Bill Hader
Sarah…..Anna Faris
Waiter…..Will Forte

[ open on exterior, Beer Garden ] [ dissolve to patio area, where Rob and Casey sit ]

Casey: So… Josh is bringing his new girlfriend?

Rob: Yep, yep! And I… think this one’s a keeper. The way he keeps talking about her, I can tell he’s totally in loooove!

Casey: Ohhh! I am so happy for him! You know, after ALL the trouble Josh has had with women, he deserves it.

Rob: Tell me about it.

[ Josh enters with Sarah ]

Josh: Heeeeeeyy!! [ they all greet one another ] This is Sarah. Sarah, Rob.

Rob: Hmm. Hi.

Casey: It’s really, really great to meet you! We’ve heard so much about you.

Sarah: Aw, thanks! You know, I just — I love this restaurant! I actually came here once with my ex-boyfriend, and we had SUCH an amazing time! [ everyone laughs ] Yeah, that was — that was ne CRAZY night!

Rob: Yeah, I know. It’s really a cool place.

Casey: Yeah.

[ the Waiter steps in ]

Waiter: Guten tag! Uh, can I start you guys off with some beers?

Rob: Yeah. How does four Heffervisens sound?

Josh: Sounds perfect. [ to the waiter ] Do you have those big steins?

Waiter: Yeah. We sure do.

Sarah: Actually, you know what? Just make mine a regular pint. [ to the group ] You know, whenever I drink too much, I get crazy! [ she giggles ]

Josh: Oh, you do?

Sarah: Yeah! Yeah, well… not as much as with you, but I-I used to be a little wild. My ex-boyfriend was a terrible influence… but, you know, terrible in a super-fun way! [ she laughs alone ]

Waiter: I’ll be right back with those beers. [ he exits ]

Rob: Alright… alright, so, uh — how did you two meet?

Josh: At Sarah’s art gallery in Chelsea, uh — I was there for a company party, and we started talking, and we just had an instant connection.

Rob: Oh.

Sarah: Yeah, it was a show with all my ex-boyfriend’s artwork, and, uh — you guys HAVE to come check it out sometime, he is SO incredibly talented. And SO good with his hands!

[ an uncomfortable silence permeates the table ]

Rob: Hey! The drinks are here! Here we go! [ the waiter returns ] Alright! Yum-yum! [ theyall collect their drinks ] Alright, why don’t we Cheers it up here… [ Sarah gulps her drink down ] You’re gonna dive right in? Alright… okay… fine.

Casey: Uh, so, Sarah, I don’t know — I don’t know if Josh told you, but, uh — Rob and I just got back from sunny Costa Rica.

Sarah: Ohhh!

Casey: Really.

Rob: Amazing.

Sarah: My ex-boyfriend took me there for New Year’s!

Rob: Oh, nice — did you go snorkeling?

Sarah: No. We never even left the hotel! [ she laughs loudly ] Oh, my God, he was SUCH a force of nature in the bedroom! I found out later he had dislocated my pelvis, but… I couldn’t separate the pain from the pleasure!

Josh: Okay, can we try not to talk about something that’s related to your ex-boyfriend? [ he laughs uncomfortably ]

Sarah: Okay, what about hurricanes?

Everyone: Sure! Yeah, hurricanes! Yeah! Hurricanes are great!

Sarah: I was caught in a hurricane five years ago.

Rob: Oh, no…

Sarah: I was with my ex-boyfriend at the time, and… [ Josh shrugs ] we were out in the open with NO protection. The eye of the storm headed STRAIGHT for us. Luckily, Julien — that’s my ex-boyfriend — um — was able to dig a trench for me to lay in. And then he laid his chiseled body on top of mine, and shielded me until the storm passed. [ Josh sighs heavily ] And, the whole time, we kept each other warm with the most tender lovemaking. After a few hours, I couldn’t distinguish between the storm and the writing of our naked bodies.

[ Rob chokes on his beer, embarrassed for his friend ]

Rob: Uh — this is a human being we’re talking about, right? [ he forces a chuckle ] [ the Waiter returns carrying a bratwurst on a plate ]

Waiter: He-eyyy! Just thought I’d start you guys off with a signature bratwurst for the table. And, don’t worry — it’s on the house! [ he exits ] [ acknowledging the bratwurst ] You know… this reminds me a lot of my ex-boyfriend!

Josh: Okay, that’s it! Thank you! [ he abruptly leaves the restaurant ]

Sarah: What? You know, I — I just meant that people used to bring my ex-boyfriend free food all the time!

Casey: Ohhhhh…

Rob: Oh, right…

Sarah: And, you know? This actually looks a lot like his penis!

[ Rob and Casey signal for the waiter to bring them the check so they can get away from Sarah as well ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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