Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 3
Casey: So… Josh is bringing his new girlfriend?
Rob: Yep, yep! And I… think this one’s a keeper. The way he keeps talking about her, I can tell he’s totally in loooove!
Casey: Ohhh! I am so happy for him! You know, after ALL the trouble Josh has had with women, he deserves it.
Rob: Tell me about it.[ Josh enters with Sarah ]
Josh: Heeeeeeyy!! [ they all greet one another ] This is Sarah. Sarah, Rob.
Rob: Hmm. Hi.
Casey: It’s really, really great to meet you! We’ve heard so much about you.
Sarah: Aw, thanks! You know, I just — I love this restaurant! I actually came here once with my ex-boyfriend, and we had SUCH an amazing time! [ everyone laughs ] Yeah, that was — that was ne CRAZY night!
Rob: Yeah, I know. It’s really a cool place.
Casey: Yeah.[ the Waiter steps in ]
Waiter: Guten tag! Uh, can I start you guys off with some beers?
Rob: Yeah. How does four Heffervisens sound?
Josh: Sounds perfect. [ to the waiter ] Do you have those big steins?
Waiter: Yeah. We sure do.
Sarah: Actually, you know what? Just make mine a regular pint. [ to the group ] You know, whenever I drink too much, I get crazy! [ she giggles ]
Josh: Oh, you do?
Sarah: Yeah! Yeah, well… not as much as with you, but I-I used to be a little wild. My ex-boyfriend was a terrible influence… but, you know, terrible in a super-fun way! [ she laughs alone ]
Waiter: I’ll be right back with those beers. [ he exits ]
Rob: Alright… alright, so, uh — how did you two meet?
Josh: At Sarah’s art gallery in Chelsea, uh — I was there for a company party, and we started talking, and we just had an instant connection.
Sarah: Yeah, it was a show with all my ex-boyfriend’s artwork, and, uh — you guys HAVE to come check it out sometime, he is SO incredibly talented. And SO good with his hands![ an uncomfortable silence permeates the table ]
Rob: Hey! The drinks are here! Here we go! [ the waiter returns ] Alright! Yum-yum! [ theyall collect their drinks ] Alright, why don’t we Cheers it up here… [ Sarah gulps her drink down ] You’re gonna dive right in? Alright… okay… fine.
Casey: Uh, so, Sarah, I don’t know — I don’t know if Josh told you, but, uh — Rob and I just got back from sunny Costa Rica.
Sarah: My ex-boyfriend took me there for New Year’s!
Rob: Oh, nice — did you go snorkeling?
Sarah: No. We never even left the hotel! [ she laughs loudly ] Oh, my God, he was SUCH a force of nature in the bedroom! I found out later he had dislocated my pelvis, but… I couldn’t separate the pain from the pleasure!
Josh: Okay, can we try not to talk about something that’s related to your ex-boyfriend? [ he laughs uncomfortably ]
Sarah: Okay, what about hurricanes?
Everyone: Sure! Yeah, hurricanes! Yeah! Hurricanes are great!
Sarah: I was caught in a hurricane five years ago.
Rob: Oh, no…
Sarah: I was with my ex-boyfriend at the time, and… [ Josh shrugs ] we were out in the open with NO protection. The eye of the storm headed STRAIGHT for us. Luckily, Julien — that’s my ex-boyfriend — um — was able to dig a trench for me to lay in. And then he laid his chiseled body on top of mine, and shielded me until the storm passed. [ Josh sighs heavily ] And, the whole time, we kept each other warm with the most tender lovemaking. After a few hours, I couldn’t distinguish between the storm and the writing of our naked bodies.[ Rob chokes on his beer, embarrassed for his friend ]
Rob: Uh — this is a human being we’re talking about, right? [ he forces a chuckle ] [ the Waiter returns carrying a bratwurst on a plate ]
Waiter: He-eyyy! Just thought I’d start you guys off with a signature bratwurst for the table. And, don’t worry — it’s on the house! [ he exits ] [ acknowledging the bratwurst ] You know… this reminds me a lot of my ex-boyfriend!
Josh: Okay, that’s it! Thank you! [ he abruptly leaves the restaurant ]
Sarah: What? You know, I — I just meant that people used to bring my ex-boyfriend free food all the time!
Rob: Oh, right…
Sarah: And, you know? This actually looks a lot like his penis![ Rob and Casey signal for the waiter to bring them the check so they can get away from Sarah as well ] [ fade ]