Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 3
Making New Friends
[Exterior shot of car driving in night approaches the screen]
Husband: Beautiful, just a beautiful neighborhood. It’s really nice. You guys are very very lucky. I’m sure you know that. Wow. You know, it was nice to finally get to hang out with you guys.
Wife: Yes, thank you guys again for buying dinner!
Cheryl: Oh, no problem! Thanks for driving.
Wife: You know, we should really do this again some time.
Mark: Yeah, yeah! It was fun! This is us right here!
Husband: Alright, there you go!
Cheryl: See you guys! [The four say their goodbyes; Mark and Cheryl exit the car]
Husband: And there you have it! Wow. Well, that wasn’t too bad.
Wife: No, not at all! I had a blast. Cheryl is so funny.
Husband: Oh my god, she’s hilarious!
Wife: When she was talking about coupons, I was choking on my penne!
Husband: I love her! I literally fell in love with her! And how about that story about Mark saving those kids’ lives?
Wife: Oh! Unbelievable!
Husband: The man is a hero!
Wife: A true American hero!
Husband: He’s a saint!
Wife: His power, his effortlessness, his hand shake…
Husband: Incredibly firm.
Wife: Do you think they liked us?
Husband: No way! No way! They hated us!
Wife: Unfiltered contempt, that’s what I was thinking.
Husband: A disgust usually reserved for that of pedophiles, I’d say.
Wife: How did we let that happen?
Husband: I don’t know. I don’t know where we went wrong. Honestly.
Wife: Am I crazy?
Wife: We started out fine, right?
Husband: Absolutely! We got here on time…
Wife: I mean I complimented them on their home…
Husband: Yeah, and who doesn’t love compliments?!
Husband: I mean, was it rude of me to ask him how much money he makes?
Wife: Don’t be silly! I thought it was rude to make you ask like 20 times!
Husband: I agree!
Wife: If I made that money, I would love to talk about it!
Husband: That’s how I feel!
Wife: Do you think she knew I was joking when I called her a bitch?
Husband: Of course!
Wife: Are you sure?
Husband: Are you kidding me?!
Wife: I just get, you know, so goofy after three glasses of wine!
Husband: Oh, who doesn’t?!
Wife: Not to mention the four at dinner.
Wife: And the four at dessert.
Wife: I should’ve eaten something tonight.
Husband: Well you’re on a cleanse, you know? Hey, was there a weird moment when I mentioned the wife swap?
Wife: I didn’t notice that!
Husband: Yeah, I couldn’t tell!
Wife: Except them getting horny!
Husband: Oh, I saw that!
Wife: I think both of them got really horny!
Husband: Definitely got horny! Really, really horny!
Wife: Yeah! But not horny enough to let you take a picture of his penis!
Husband: Oh, exactly! Tacky!
Wife: What was that all about?
Husband: I had no idea!
Wife: [pantomiming] Oh, like his penis is too perfect for you to take a picture of!
Husband: Yeah, Mr. Perfect Penis! It’s just a penis, buddy! I got one too, pal! I mean he was going to the bathroom anyway, right!
Wife: I know… did I say the N-word too much?
Husband: No! Why?!
Wife: Are you sure?
Husband: Of course I’m sure! Why would you say that?
Wife: I don’t know! I just get a little insecure some times. I just felt like it was one time too many.
Husband: What, the one with the waiter? Since when is eight times too much?!
Wife: I don’t know!
Husband: I don’t know either! Oh man… Mark got really mad when I made that joke about his sister’s suicide, huh?
Wife: Oh, he overreacted!
Husband: I agree.
Wife: It was just a pun.
Husband: Yeah, yeah… maybe he hates puns. Gosh, making new friends is so hard!
Wife: It sure is. Hey, turn here real quick!
(The car turns off a cliff, bounces off the ground, then explodes when it lands back on the street)
Submitted by: Joe Murray