Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 3
CBS Evening News
Katie Couric…..Amy Poehler
Sarah Palin…..Tina Fey
[ open on “CBS Evening News” logo ]
Announcer: And now, part 4 of Katie Couric’s interview with Alaska governor Sarah Palin.
Katie Couric: Gov. Palin, thank you for agreeing to talk with me one more time.
Gov. Sarah Palin: Oh, hey… you know… sure!
Katie Couric: [ blinking massively ] Did you enjoy your week in New York City?
Gov. Sarah Palin: You know, Katie, I did, and I wasn’t sure I would, at first. New York is, of course, home to the Liberal media elite, but Todd and the kids had a great time going to the Central Park and the, and the F.A.O. Schwartz, and that kooky evolution museum!
Katie Couric: So, it sounds like the trip was a success?
Gov. Sarah Palin: There were some funny moments! For instance, I had fifteen or twenty false alarms where I thought I saw Osama bin Laden driving a taxi! And I was embarrassed to be wrong, but, mostly, I was disappointed I wasn’t right! Also, in an area to bone up on foreign policy, I went to the Times Square area to see a film called “The Bush Doctrine” — it was NOT about politics!
Katie Couric: You went to the UN for the first time. How was that experience?
Gov. Sarah Palin: Oh, you know, it was just amazing, so many interesting people, though, I have to say, I was disheartened by how many of them were foreignors! I can promise that, when Sen. McCain and I are elected, we’re gonna get those jobs back in American hands!
Katie Couric: [ stunned into quiet confusion ] How did the world leaders you met… react to you?
Gov. Sarah Palin: They embraced me, Katie! Figuratively and — a couple of those Pakistani guys — literally. [ show footage of Palin shaking hands with various foreign leaders ] But they were all so welcoming. Be it from Hamid Karzai, the President of Afghanistan; Jalal Talabani, the President of Iraq; or Bono, the King of Ireland!
Katie Couric: On foreign policy, I want to give you… one more chance… to explain your claim that you have foreign policy experience, based on Alaska’s proximity to Russia. What did you mean by that?
Gov. Sarah Palin: Well, Alaska and Russia are only separated by a narrow maritime border. [ she holds up her hands ] You’ve got Alaska here, and this right here is water, and, then, that up there is Russia. So we keep an eye on them.
Katie Couric: And how do you do that, exactly?
Gov. Sarah Palin: Every morning, when Alaskans wake up, one of the first things they do is look outside and see if there are any Russians hanging around. If there are, you gotta go up to them and ask, “What are ya’ doing here?” And if they give you a good reason — they can’t — then, it’s our responsibility to say, you know, “Shoo! Get back over there!”
Katie Couric: Sen. McCain shut down his campaign this week, in order to deal with the economic crisis. What’s your opinion of this potential $700 billion bailout?
Gov. Sarah Palin: Like every American I’m speaking with, we are ill about this! We’re saying, “Hey! Why bail out Fannie and Freddie, and not me?” But ultimately, what the bailout does is help those that are concerned about the health care reform that is needed to help shore up our economy. To help, um — it’s gotta be about job creation, too. Also, about shoring up our economy, and putting Fannie and Freddie back on the right track. And, so, health care reform and reducing taxes and reining in spending, ’cause, Barack Obama, you know? You know, we’ve got to accompany tax reduction, and tax relief for Americans. Also, having a dollar value meal at restaurants — that’s gonna help. But, one in five jobs being created today, under the umbrella of job creation. That, you know, also>.
Katie Couric: [ shaking her head ] What lessons have you learned from Iraq, and how, specifically, would you spread democracy abroad?
Gov. Sarah Palin: Specifically, we would make every effort possible to spread democracy abroad to those who want it!
Katie Couric: Yes, but, specifically, what would you do?
Gov. Sarah Palin: We’re gonna promote freedom, usher in democratic values and ideals, and fight terror-loving terrorists.
Katie Couric: But, again — and, not to belabor the point — one specific thing?
Gov. Sarah Palin: [ after an extended silence ] Katie, I’d like to use one of my lifelines!
Katie Couric: I’m sorry?
Gov. Sarah Palin: I want to phone a friend!
Katie Couric: You don’t have any lifelines.
Gov. Sarah Palin: Well, in that case, I’m just gonna have to get back to ya’!
Forgive me, Mrs. Palin, but it seems to me that, when cornered, you become increasingly adorable. Is that fair to say?
Gov. Sarah Palin: [ in a cutesy-pie manner ] I don’t know, is it? [ she fires her fingers like pistols ]
Katie Couric: Gov. Palin, is there anything else you’d like to say, other than “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night”?
Gov. Sarah Palin: Yes — “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiight”!